Carpe Diem...

multiple rainbows and one bright sunshine after the torrential rain...

=)

that is what i would like to describe 29th of December...

apart from it being...

very beautiful...,

and very peaceful...,

it was also a very heartfelt, genuine and sincere moment of my life...

*giggles*

definitely not the usual roller coaster rides...

there were positive absence of increasing pulses, flushes nor the occasional adrenaline rushes...

like how we usually storm through the railings with sharp intake of breath at every downhill roll!

this time,

it felt as though we were trapped in a time warp...

as if we were lying down side by side on a little dinghy...

in the middle of a moonlit lake...

hands clasped...

starring blankly into the starry night

hearing nothing but the sound of nature

as the breeze scuffled in between the leaves and as the ripples of water hit the shore...

alternating with echoes of our talks and giggles,

other times bursts of laughters ensued...

we stole glances at one another occasionally

but somehow we shy-ed ourselves away after a few seconds...

that carved a smile not only on my lips but also in my heart...

it was a few perfect moments...

that i will treasure till the last breathe of my life... =)

i cannot describe the calmness that surrounds me anymore than i can express...

the rest of the details are probably food for my soul

that resides snugly within me

to keep me safe, warm and protected...

watching the future makes me forget my past...

i feel so happy and liberated...

i see colours everywhere...

but that being said....

things like these will not last...

one day, they will leave me again...

life is a bitch

don't we all already know it damn well...?

and so, as he puts it,

"we can only pursue happiness

but we can never grasp it, hold on to it and make it ours, forever..."

i say: "Carpe diem!"

Life's surprises!

Christmas was magical...

I got what i have wished for this year... =)

*hip hip hurray*

My life just took an unexpected yet exciting detour.

*continues wondering how life is always full of surprises!*

It was suppose to be really crappy and sappy but things turned out really awesome possum.

Ambiguous feelings have been answered too!

*double hurrays!*

Yes! You can love 2 person at one time! Probably more!

After all, we have BIG hearts kan? =))

We are all blessed with that pouch of emotions which knows no boundaries!

Heart felt shout out for this week:

Who said you can't have the best of both worlds? ;)

(self) Discovery Channel

I made 2 self discoveries yesterday night!

1. I am effing mad! One fucking mad woman.

2. I turned maroon LITERALLY after drinking! Like the typical chinaboys/girls! Oh-Em-Geee! That is soooo not proud a change to be having. It might look cute to turn red but i freaking don't want it! Looks alcohol intolerable! In another word - WEAK

People who has been drinking with me would have noticed this change too! I was never like this. NEVER!!! RawR!

Now the best part about this discovery is, ONLY my tanned skin turned maroon. The strip of original fair skin looked perfectly normal. What have i done to my skin? =(((

*sigh...*

*churns churns churns*

My feelings are so volatile...!

Each passing moments, i actually feel a sharp turn of attachments towards things around me.

I only have 24 hours in a day. I used to sleep 12-14 hours previously.

Recently i can only maintain a 6-8hours sleep.

Hence, i have too much of time to kill whilst having no purpose of life. Pfffftt!

Ever wonder how it feels like stepping into a washing machine as it tumbles and spins?

Maybe, the sensation of moving at the speed of other machines might force an absolute desire to stand out as it get detached from the pile of uncertainty... FLASHING the RED warning sign.

It does sound like a cool idea getting thrown around upside down and left side right in there.

At the same time allow my brains get shaken up a bit.

Currently i feel so filthy that i need a good wash.

I want to go whirling... and whirling... and whirling... and whirling... and forget about the whole world....

Shadow of the yesteryears...

I half suspect i am going crazy...

For i tear one moment and then smile in another instance at the thoughts of making this life changing decision...

Well sulin, asylum is not so far away...

Emancipation...

I spoke about this feeling once, not so long ago...

During my study break...

It was a different definition back then...

Perhaps the same feelings...? *shrugs....*

But....,Is this truly the feeling that is attached with a different kind of soaring?

I feel lifted and free when i leave behind a comfort zone yet i know i left behind something very precious...

After all, it is this cocoon that has been providing me a safe sanctuary and also had aided me to reflect all sorts of vulnerabilities the past 4 years...

Currently...

'Future' is the missing word in my dictionary...

I feel hollow, bleak and scared within...

True enough, I have missed my old self...

Because i have been constantly and inadvertently searched for that missing piece of her in these past few years...

And honestly, relocating her makes me feel at peace...

I was under a mislead impression that people change and so do i...

Hence, i convinced myself again and again that she no longer exists,

Guessing i was wrong all these while...

Little did i know I have been yearning to merge back with her...

The me, who enjoys taking a toe-dip depth into that pool of emotions

or maybe drown herself in ripples of thoughts once in a while...

The Sulin who attends to her pouch of emotions, keeping herself in check...

I am sorry i have kept you waited so long...

I am sorry if i have torn a part you away from me..

I swear it was unintentional...

For I am back now and i will not let go of you anymore...

Shadow of my yesteryears casted upon a new torso from the new dawn...

I am glad it still fits... =)

Signing off,

serenity 10:58am

in search of herself...

Is this THE feeling when people talk about calm before the storm?

For I am feeling exceptionally tranquil at this moment...

Maybe it is the song... =)

Joseph Vincent & Jason Chen's voice serenading my thoughts...

Hold my hand is as brilliant as their last cover : Just a dream~

Been replaying their song since 2 hours ago. Hehe...

Plus, the weather is perfect...

These 2 weeks have been very emotionally exhausting weeks for me..

Too many things running through my mind.

Brain cells also hangus already i think. -.-

Sleepless nights, early awakenings...

It definitely does not sound like my normal self...

Truth is, i learnt quite a bit about my inner self...

In fact i was quite shocked when i realised how unhappy i have been inside...

How i have been lying to myself...

For the longest time, i pretended to no one but me, myself...

It was an awful feeling...

Especially if one is unaware about her ownself... sigh...

Very scary indeed...

Not very sure if i am lucky that i found myself in time looking all battered up and at the verge of losing grip...

I am guessing the time has arrived for me to take off that very mask that hid my true self...

and address the issues i have at hands...

So, I hope Christmas will be magical this year...

But a hope can only can only serve us that much...

Issues with cheating. Wow!

Cheating is a crime.

Interlocking lips with intention is a cheat.

Thinking of someone else when you are in a relationship is definitely cheating!

I call that emotional cheating.

Fucking another guy while you are not single is unfaithful = cheat.

Fucking another guy after you are married = adulterous = cheat.

But kissing at spur of moments with 2 girls and 1 guy in front of everybody is what i called wild.

It is downright NOT CHEATING! DAMNIT!

Not misbehaving also especially if it was in a club!

So do not fucking step into the club if you are not ready to see all these!

For clubbing is where people have fun. Not stand in a corner looking prim and proper. GROW UP PEOPLE!

Second chance in life everyday...

The winner of post card from Paris, je t'aime competition...

She really deserves a win. =)

"If you were given a second chance in life, what is the one thing you will change about yourself?...

Aren't we given a second chance in life everyday?
I think I am, and everyday I take it to try to love those around me for who they are and to love myself for who I am.
Nobody is perfect, and it is in this imperfection that we experience life to the fullest :)...."

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Because life itself gives you a second chance...

...when you wake up the next day =)

After that moment of enlightenment, i definitely will look at the whole process of waking up in the morning (in my case evening) everyday in a completely different perspective.

And for that, i personally feel that no one else has the right to give anyone else another chance if it wasn't for life's condonation itself.

Geddit?

Think big!

_________________________________________________________

I made a mistake the night before.

A mistake which seems negligible given the state of mind and environment i was in. I had fun. We all had fun.

But a blunder like this affect everyone else's opinion towards me.

Call me defensive. I do not care.

For i have my own dictum to life. I know what i am doing and where i am headed. Feeling disappointed is one thing but judging me is altogether another thing. I expect no judgement from you if i tend not to judge you.

What more if you are a someone dear to me.

Anyhow, like how Jh puts it, there are certain behaviours that irk me but they don't irk the rest, and vice versa. I suppose he is right. It felt alot better hearing that. The very fact that he is the one person who was suppose to be angry at me in this matter but he let it pass... because he knows me.

You are the best boyfriend ever!

I am sad to say that i do not understand some of my friends anymore. Very heartbreaking indeed but its better i realise it now than never.

And at this very moment, i need you Shan because i know you too know me best.

Life as we know it...

I noticed that i am an emotional author. An author who tends to write a lot on deep stuff.

Stuffs that i bet only 1 or at most 2 souls can understand. That sometimes i find myself staring agog at those endless paragraphs to unravel the actual events attached to them.

As much as i want to write inspirational, motivational and self-correctional blog, i am not gifted to do so. In fact, i find it so difficult to get good flows of sentences and spontaneous remarks. Unfortunately i may have abundance of ideas but lack of talent in delivery.

Maybe that is the reason why i often get tongue tied during conversations.

Another problem i have is repetition. I keep writing about the same thing. Ie: this post!

Lamenting about the same issues over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. There, i did it again! Super cheong heii. Sigh.

So, why am i typing at this hour? Urmm... because im done with facebook for the day.

Back to basic when facebook wasn't around. Seems like a good day to honor the existence of my blog. Blog sphere used to be my virtual hangout space. A place i found solace when my head was filled with explosive questions. It was some'one' i felt comfortable talking to when i felt lonely and also a place i built with my imaginations. Most importantly a zone i can shut myself away from the nasty world. Well, after all it is the only tunnel that link me to my past painful and bittersweet memories which remained so fresh albeit the changing passage of time.

Come to think of it, funny how much i have changed in 5 years but my feelings towards many people and things never expired. More so funny when newer affections arrived along the way and sit themselves snuggly on top of the already jam packed memory box. Over time, they all settled down to give way and accommodate even more recent chronicles of life.

Bah~ As usual, i am beating around the bush again. I guess the only reason i am here tonight is because i want to read this post and laugh about my silliness in another 5 years time.

*makes funny faces*

This is not the first time i feel disappointed with people around me...

Is it worth my trouble?

Times when you feel like you are being taken for granted. What do you do?

Pre-Battle #6

the world is at a stand still....

i can hear echoes of cruelty a few blocks away...

and the air is still engulfed with smokes and smell of blood from the massacres two weeks ago...

every once in a while i see glimpse of lightning from the horizon...

i too hear thunder from a distance...

snapping me out of my daze at intervals...

chills are running down my spine as i think about tomorrow...

i shut my eyes and mumbled a few prayers...

"Good luck to all of us..." are the only words i could muster...

"Am i fit physically and psychologically for the war of half the decade?"

I waited for a reply but...

Only silence reverberates within my tent...

I do not know what sunrise has in store for me the next day...

But whatever happens, i will still take pride in all the previous marches...

And... i shall not die in vain....

Battle #5

Today, we were brought to 10 stations to meet various Military Brigade Generals, Commanders, Lieutenants, Colonels & Captains of different commissions for clearance.
We were honored the green ticket to march into the ultimate war of half-the-decade against the strongest enemy force in 2 weeks time! =)
Wish all of us luck!!!

Gambatero!

Battle #4

Headed to war in the morning with freaking weird anthem : Justin Bieber's Baby.

Situation in the battlefield is worse today.

A lot more civilians were running around more than usual.

The rest of the shootings are history...
Aims were pretty horrible today....

Battle #3

Successfully shot down a lot of people, but i am not sure if i hit the assailants or the bystander...

However, i feel more triumphant today!

Battle #2

I lost my way while heading to the battle ground.

Battle #1

I broke my sword. forgot my armor. fwt. -___-

Pre Battles

The beginning of the worst nightmare!
Our last battle it is...
So, raise our sword and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!
Best of the best-est luck Batch 17! =))

Myriad WC Fifa Supporters

There are 3 types of WC FIFA supporters:

Type 1:
Hard core, die hard, true blood fan.
"One for all and all for one".
Those who CrazilyExcitedlyEcstaticallyEuphoriclyFanaticallyFrenzilyLoudly-and-Loyally *pants pants pants pants gasps gasp gasps sand catches breath* supporting ONE team. Irregardless of win-lose.
No adoption of new team even if their favorite team falls out, on the way to the finals.
Thereafter feel indifferent/neutral. Either stop following WC or still following WC by sitting on the poky pointy fence and watch every other match in joyful state.

In a nutshell- Boring. *yawns*

Type 2:
Similar to number 1. But definitely NOT the same.
This fans' base and support is entirely dependent on triumph.
Flake out on the original team (ie team A) when it loses and scream like
chimpanzee bitches for :

subtype 2a) many other teams (ie team B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K etc etc etc).
This subtype will eventually be a winner fan come what may. doh! *rolls eyes*
Because they will no doubt claim that the bearer of WC is the team they support
(after flaking out on a long lists of teams) ROFL. So pathetic.

In a nutshell - Lalangs.

subtype 2b) specifically a team (ie team XX) playing against the team (ie team ZZZ) who thrashed their original favorite lousy team (ie team A). If team XX perished in the war with team ZZZ, they will adopt a stronger team (ie team XY) who might have higher chances of finishing off what lousy team A and team XX couldn't finish. EVEN MOE PATHETIC!

In a nutshell - Childish & Lame. (need some spankings man...)

Type 3:
Entirely new to me. Smells like a stinking time bomb. Pffftttt!
Initially looked benign. Supporting unknown/unclear teams.
Changing teams almost every rounds. Probably due to factors like ego & money & resources constraints. At the same time biding time beneath each breath while formulating grudges against a certain team (team ZZZ) since the very beginning of WC due to unknown reasons. Then, barfing out tonnes of offensive & foul curses when the team they have been eye-ing with maximum amount of staunch hatred, got whacked in the ass by the unknown/unclear teams they support.
Whoa. Chillax la. Like hell, no one says anything about your unknown/unclear team also.

In a nutshell - Despicably Dangerous

Speaks a lot about their personality, doesn't it?
Which type are you?
Can i safely say i am Type Number 1?

ignorance of a clock

Why is the clock ticking so slow?!
An hour and a half more!

I am quite nervous for the Germany's game against Spain later!
ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time!
I demand you to move faster!

*tick tock tick tock ignorance*

-_____________-!

Do you know what i hate most?
Hypocrites! FUCKING hypocrites!
The worst is that these people do not even realize they are ONE! wtf.

So, it is NOT ok to perform a public demonstration?! *rolls eyes*
BUT, it is totally cool and cute to do so on facebook? (like it is not public enough?!)

uuurrrrr.....? Get a life, dudette?

Seriously i am beyond speechless!

No one will say you are dumb if you shut-the-fuck-up.
Hence, don't bother voicing out anything if you don't intend to do so from the very beginning.

Why be a coward and challenge your own principle just because you felt it was "bearably" alright for that sucker to moan like a retard on a virtual public zone?!
GEEZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!

What a total failure in making such great choice of exemptions!

Personal preference to NOT pick on a particular person who was fighting for the wrong cause Vs. picking on a group of senile demonstrators who was actually fighting for the right cause.

WHAT A JOKE! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

a weekend to remember...

Sunday's facebook shoutout. (And i mean it! Right, sulin *rolls eyes*)
"One of the best-est weekend!
Restraining order for NO partying & NO drinking the next 2months starts today!"

Being a facebook queen, i have seen a couple of shout outs stating that they had a great weekend. Something very nice to hear from the usual grunts and complaints about Monday blues...
I obviously had a weekend i find worth blogging. =)

Friday
Weekend started as early as Friday night.
More like an alcohol filled weekend. Teheeee.
Fought with bii (dont remember why at the moment), not a good sign for good weekend huh?
Gaya was unhappy too under the influence of some unforeseen circumstances.
So we ber-emo together over the smses. Sigh...

Anyways, Andeloo called for dinner. I wanted to nap aka sleep until the next morning but i decided against my pig-ly wish because i was adamant that my weekend should be AWESOME this time! So off we went to Wazen with Gillie, Bav and Anson. Bii joined us 20minutes later along with his post-badminton sweat. He left with Anson when the rest of us decided to go for a many round of beer @ Jim's Cottage in conjunction with the opening ceremony of World Cup Fifa 2010.
Steven and the geng joined us for awhile and we all left at 12 something.

Then I joined dx and the rest in office bar. Had another many rounds of beer. Haha.
Left at 2am but my night did not end there because i joined the party in gurv's apartment.
Woooowooowooo! Slow down woman. -_____-!
Bad news, i had my usual emotional attack/breakdown when i get high in unhappy state. I probably cried tears enough to be able to fill up all the empty whisky bottles lying around in gurv's house. Bahh! Sappy! But thanks to Shereen, Mal, Gurv and Paul for shutting up my howlings in the wee hour of morning. Sorry dearies... =(

Saturday
Woke up the next morning wearing a pair of swollen goldfish eyes. Like that >>
Haha! Luckily I managed to stay through the whole convocation without much difficulties from the 3 people i do not wish to see. *pats own head*

Post convocation party at Arena and then at Garden city. I will let pictures do the talking.

Sunday
...is another chapter of its own... =)
I will write another entry on it!

Signing off...
sue... <3

Mutilated feelings...

"To thine own self be true..."

I have made no fault,
maybe only imperfection of not being perfect...
I owe YOU not any vindications...
...For i have played my role...

Therefore,
YOU don't deserve my conscience anymore
NOT NOW, NOT NEVER...
The only mistake i probably have made was to befriend you and to underestimate your misconstrue judgmental personality...
BEGONE ungrateful, jealous, cynical and narcissist force!

I reckon i have left this shout out for the longest recorded time ever on my face book page -UNTOUCHED. PERIOD!
Probably more than a week, long enough for the message to reach those it was directed upon. Most importantly, strong enough to puncture and penetrate the dirty dungs-compacted brains of some people!!!
And if they don't get it, i can only laugh at their lack of conscience and ignorance! Bakaaa!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Because it hurts when people hurled those irresponsible and unfiltered tainted ideas of theirs at someone (Me) who was seriously putting their best interests before anything else!
And please get your facts right before bombarding away like a malfunctioned catapult!

A misunderstanding as many puts it, i beg to differ. I, who stand on the other end do not see it that way. Personally? It sounded like saying fuck-you in a subtler way.
Where is the room for the benefit of doubts when it is critically and essentially needed?
No one jumps right into a stinky pool of verdict if it wasn't for a pre-fixed prejudice!
So, to hell with "misunderstandings"!!!

I was furious! So angry i could murder those people! But hey, it was only a superego thought.
I am sane enough to NOT react and demote myself to the same par as those people.
Well, referring to the conclusion made by those people, I totally get it that superior people have to behave superior-ly as oppose to minions doing the minion jobs?

Those weren't my natural words. I had to spit them in defense to false convictions made by a subordinate.

I have said it before and now i will say it again:

i will b the worst defender u can ever come across in life
i don't perform the inauguration of attacks
for i only defend by counterattacks!
and bear in mind that they will be few folds in comparison to the damage you have caused...

echoes from 1st June 2010 8:03 pm...
su-lin

there are too many possibilities out there
in addition to the unpredictable temptations that catch me at almost every corner...

is this a process of growing up being an adult?

when i was an adolescent, i experienced what many called as identity crisis
today even though i have found the answer to the crisis
but i am still confused of who i am suppose to be in life...

Emancipation...

"feel the progress of melody instead of listening to the flow of the song..."
that is trance...

have you ever feel like you were soaring?
feel that you are being surrounded by cold, chilly and still air...
however you don't feel like you are freezing...
instead you feel the warmth inside out...

i have only lived it once...
it was 3 years ago, when i was heading up the mountain of Shimla sitting with zero distance away from that very person...

whom i fight with endlessly everyday for every single thing
whom i watch before i sleep every night and wake up every morning
whom i cried to without feeling silly and dumb

he...
who loves me without knowing the boundaries of affections
who made me realize how greed will not only make me lose him but eventually lose myself...
who accepts me for who i am
who expects the least out of someone like me who is full of attitudes
who ultimately walks me through and out of the hardships of my life...

and he was also the person who held my hand, made me flushed as red as a ripen tomato and felt so hot in that negative degree Celsius, 3 years back...

he is still the person who holds my hand till this very moment, 3 years later
never thinking of letting it go...

how could i even lose my grips?
i must have been sick in the head...
very very sick...
i am glad i have untangled one huge mess within myself yesterday...
i have successfully release that burden which has been snowballing since the day expectations took over me...

little did i realize i have been shutting myself away from the world
little did i know i have stopped listening to friends around me...
little did i know i chose to walk alone and away from everyone else (him and all my close friends included...)
and i left no space for improvements
i turned ugly and full of scars...
i kept suppressing all the unhappiness in me subconsiously
gradually everything got compressed into a big chunk of heavy unmanageable feelings...
i almost got swallowed along into the nothingness, the unknown realm...

i have only two person to thank...
and i dont know how else to do so...
hence by dedicating this post to the both of you,
i hope i can convey my feelings...

to wifey and bii...
thanks for always being there.
near or far.
it means the world to me...

now that i finally come to term with myself...
i have never felt this peaceful for the longest time...

with love,
Sulin... (10:48am)

p/s: at the beginning of the post, i mentioned that i experienced that soaring feeling only once?
Today i felt it again... Priceless. =)

in the realm of emptiness...

The darkness along with the silence that surround him inside out...
He must have be really scared...
I cannot imagine how his world is like at the moment...

he used to be able to see from his right eye...
the only means of communication between him and the world...
now,
even that has been taken away from him...

i wish i could do something to help him ease this suffering...
looking at him from a few inches away...
i feel so crushed...
tears were balancing at the edges and corner of my eyes...
but i held it back
i want to be strong at least for him
i dont want my brothers to start crying too...

this is the same feelings i experienced 7 years back
when i was camping outside the CCU
hoping and praying for mama's recovery...
battling with the stages of possibility of losing someone dear...
now it is happening again...

these might be the last few moments i could spend with him...
he is struggling...
in pain, in fear,
he is probably waiting for daddy to come back from oversea...
he is fighting against his fate maybe...

why do people have to die...?

mama...
please take care of yeh yeh...
he needs the strength and consolation...

Shuey!

Since the beginning of 2010. Nothing has been going right.

Started off with losing an SE phone and purse with IC, CC, every colourful cards anyone could possibly owned. Spent 300bucks getting a new IC, 1700bucks for a new iphone and petty cash for replacement of every thing else.

Then the day i wanted to drive my car down to Melaka, car battery had to die on me. FINE!
Requested Pohhock to come over and help me jumpstart my car so i can trail behind him but the moment my brother saw his car turned into my apartment, big fat huge droplets of HEAVY rain came pouring down like some waterfall. IT WAS LIKE IN THE MOVIE! THE SUSPENSE THE CLIMAX! I WAS TOO FLABBERGSTERRED! I SWEAR I SHOUTED REAL LOUD! Twice! Once in the house and another time in the parking lot. Daddy was so nice to actually come down and help. (that is the only good thing, man i was touched. because he usually tells me to fix my own shits)
Everyone got drenched in the process of fixing my car. WHY? Because the car was parked in an open area! DARN IT!

When finally the car was successfully transported to Melaka, on the 2nd day, while the car was parked outside my house. OLAlA! The passenger side window got shattered by some incompetent grasscuter cum stones/mud-cutter. (FUCKING SEE where you aim your blades la you doofus!)

Plan to go krabi. Then had to cancel seeing so many unfortunate events happening to me. Riot somemore in Thailand! DIU!!!!!!

Last day in Melaka before holiday started, went to jusco, walked normally on the escalator up also i tripped and fell like a hippopotamus. WTF! Was wearing my shortest pants somemore. must have been a sight. a fugly sight!

Holiday started, 1st day of holiday, tripped on the invisible chain at the curve. Another elephant/hippopotamus falling stunt. Bruised my right knee, pelvic, left shin and ultimately ego. All thanks to some 2 people!

To top it all off! Yesterday night, i fucking lost my 2months old iphone in the club. On our table on our sofa.
I am still bound to the 2 years contract with maxis no matter what. The best part is, i dont have an iphone anymore! SCREW U LAH TAN SU LIN!


YAY! WHAT MORE CAN THIS FUCKY YEAR BRINGS ME?!
BRING IT ON!

DF!

i cant believe i am such a DUMB FUCK!
i think i am entitled to be fucked and fucked till i get my perianal riped!
WTF AM I THINKING?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
WHY DONT I EVER LEARNT MY LESSON!!?!?!?!?!?!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot forgive myself. i dont even know what to feel now.
sorry. anger. hatred. loathe. regrets.

Lost a phone and a purse due to my own silliness 2months back.
NOW LOSING A FUCKING IPHONE ALSO BECAUSE OF MY DUMBFUCKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE A DUMB FUCK TAN SU -LIN!
you dont fucking deserve to live in this planet!
go pack your fucking bag and migrate to planet for dumbfucks!

wonders...

if it is possible to love two person at the same time?
*continues wondering*

i suppose one will fade off as time passes...

two days ago, i had a random conversation with shan.
we both agreed that love is just a fraction of life, and it is NOT the core of life itself as oppose to many's beliefs.

anyone can get married, start a journey together in life, produce babies like there is no tomorrow, work their buffalo's asses off to support the future family and yada.. yada.. yada... boring stuff. *yawns*

now, what interest me is, if there is a point of life when you cheat on your other half. Be it emotionally/physically. Then what?

we are not saying that this cheating element is fixed as part of the marriage plan a married couple signed up for.
however we are saying that if it arrives, it just comes tumbling down and collapses anyone's strong will, no?

whether it is acceptable in this society? i highly doubt it.
but many countries practise such polygamy gangbang shit... ROFL!
for example: maldives.
hrrmmmmm...

shan says emotional cheating is worse than physical cheats.
i reckon the other way around.

after much discussion, we finally made a conclusion saying that guys CANNOT tolerate physical cheating from the gf/spouses. *cough-ego-cough*
whereas the girls CANNOT accept emotional cheating in addition to physical cheating. LOL!

but now my question is:
possible to love two person at the same time when you are already attached?

a night to remember =)

enjoyed the night with Ding Xin, Foong, Shaun, Beh, Tan, June and Dy!
*hearts you guys!!!* =))

me learnt how to play the dice probabilities game. it was too fun and funny! =P
arigato kozaimasu peeps!!!
we drank about ermmmm4-5 towers? hahah!

this is one of the random moments when i feel like i still have great friends around me.
to cheer me up and to make me feel like i am still sane.
because there are too many dramas and backstabber out there. geez!

similarities vs. coincidences

similarities and coincidences.
what are the odds?

in everyday life, i meet people with so many similar features as me.
or so my mind says.
or should i say coincidence?
the thought of yesterday.

have i missed out on so many prospects in life?
basing it all entirely on similarities...
have i closed my doors?
or is it merely a mind game.
that the eyes only see what the mind wants you to see!
hence it is heading towards that direction.

today i believe strongly that the mind is simply playing infant tricks on the adult mind.
but how?
i reckon, Mr.Minds narrows down all the possibilities to ground zero.
i was made to believe that who/what i come across in life similarities.
instead of coincidences...

p/s: dont we all girls love similarities. just like how we adore jeweleries...

however, i am proud now, that my heart taught me what coincidences are...
and it shall stay that way...
from now onwards.

Tests of will-power

there have been many tests in the recent months.
tests to challenge my will against my desire...
i am glad i realised this as i grow.

everyone feeds on fantasies at one time or another.
it is about holding back, saying no and snapping back to reality.

wiser nevertheless sexier! =)

after all living in a surreal world made up by purely mind power isn't going to end up anywhere, right?

two persons told me this:
"what he doesn't know wont hurt him"
we shall debate about this in the future.

Waterpipe

I am behaving very extraordinary today.
This is the 3rd time i blogged in less than 16hours...
Meaning it is more than the times i have blogged in the past 1 year... Geez!

Want to know why?
Because I am behaving like a leaking waterpipe since yesterday night.
I think it is because i do not know how to handle parting very well.
I just had another bout of crying.... =((((((((((

A few minutes after i walked into the empty house, emotions came gushing out of nowhere and they are squeezing into my eyes, waiting to be released through torrential tears...
I could not even pretend it was there and pushed it away!

His absence is making me Un-Sulin. Damn it! Argh!
I feel weak inside, sorrow and all i want to do is cry and sneeze into tissues after tissues...

It feels so hard, prony!!!! why!!!!?????
Just for a week! i cant even do that?
are you kidding me sulin? *shrugs*

I miss his smiles, his laughters, his silly lame jokes, his funny expressions!
I miss his company... Eventhough i freaking ignore him all the time when he is around as i am very much into my fb addiction spree...

This feelings sucks! I cant imagine how i am going to live without him if he ever leave me first to the afterlife...

BABY!!!!! COME BACK LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T____________________________T

8 days till 1095....

Why is it that after countless times of parting...
and so many years of being a part of each other...
and so many fights that have erupted...

Tears started rolling every time we say goodbye to each other?

A typical scenario of taking someone for granted, i suppose...

Walked a total of
2years 11months and 10days...
together...

8days and counting till our 3rd anniversary...

Love him!
Am going to miss his absence...

Points to improve upon:
- be independent
- go out, catch up with besties
- spend quality moments alone (NOT implying anything. tehee!)
- do things you never get around doing while he was right there
- cherish the moments of missing each other. you hardly feel it anymore after marriage. haha!
-LASTLY! CHEER UP! (p/s: it is all in the mind)

Hope i can get another round of BR tonight with my new found friends. =)
Though it is gonna be tricky without transport! *groan*

Suesie...
1:47pm
(Partly Couldy Sky + Gloomy Afternoon)

Reflecting: You or I?

I..................................

I have come to a stage where i feel the need to isolate myself from the rest of the world.
I just want to be alone!
Hiding in my cocoon licking my self inflicted wound...

The more i think about that few matters, the more swell up my lacrimal ducts become...
I thought i know myself...? No, it seems like i don't?

For once, i realised for the longest time, i haven't been reflecting...
on my words, my actions, my decisions... etc
Spoken to him about it, yet the scenes are still playing in my head. Over and over again.
hrmphh... not helping.

I feel like a failure. To miss such important upbeat of life.
It is as though i have missed an obvious life threatening finding in a patient.
A matter of life and death...

Only this time, it involves and is a threat to my life.

To inadvertently or subconsciously hurt someone?
Different entities but separated by very minimal margins...

But still? It was too innocent! TOO INNOCENT.
I did not even realise. Because to me, it was so insignificant... it was too benign...
It took me quite some time to remember what i actually did.

You................................

Assumption that you are generally accepted?
WRONG sue WRONG!
What you feel for that particular person may never be reciprocated.
Because not everyone is as forgiving as you. Fullstop.
Or maybe people are just sensitive at that fraction of seconds and *BAM* you have to be the cause to the whole hoo-haa.
Now, bear the consequences bah...
*nods su-lin*

No solution. Just a lesson to be learnt. An expensive one.

5 forbidden fruits and counting...
I wish i can taste a refreshing bite anytime soon.

Hollow

loneliness = death
i think i am nearing there...

stomach feels hollow
but i am not hungry

heart feels aching
but i am not having a heart attack

body feels numb
yet every sensations are prickling on alert

i feel faint
but i can stand and walk perfectly

all because of the word friendship...
have you ever felt as though you don't have true friends?
that everyone is just mere acquaintances...

tell me what i am currently feeling is just a change of weather, can you?
so i have H.O.P.E to look forward to...

but no, its not working...
adamant as i am
the truth is against all odds...

I am someone so insignificant...
It feels like i am falling and falling
but not reaching bottom zero?
maybe if i do finally fall and splat
things will be clearer...

using death against death...
='(

i do understand why people can commit suicide...
i do...............................................................................

Remember Me?

Prony,
i just finished reading this book by sophie kinsella. =)
one of the best author ever!
like seriously, it is as though i was completely zapped into the fictional world as i read from one page to another.
and i have always found the resemblance in the all the girl character she picks to write about in all her stories. =D

well yeah, i know it is similar to the horoscope/starscope scam we get daily on our local newspaper.
it is exactly that incomprehensible feeling yet i am allowing myself to indulge in dreamy feel.
and while reading her masterpieces, i tend to conjure up alot of things. probably a make believe that i have been wishful for.

can i live in a storybook? life seems to turn out perfect at the end of the day regardless of how much of shit and crap life is at the begining...

i only can wish...

Only love <3
8:02am