Shadow of the yesteryears...

I half suspect i am going crazy...

For i tear one moment and then smile in another instance at the thoughts of making this life changing decision...

Well sulin, asylum is not so far away...

Emancipation...

I spoke about this feeling once, not so long ago...

During my study break...

It was a different definition back then...

Perhaps the same feelings...? *shrugs....*

But....,Is this truly the feeling that is attached with a different kind of soaring?

I feel lifted and free when i leave behind a comfort zone yet i know i left behind something very precious...

After all, it is this cocoon that has been providing me a safe sanctuary and also had aided me to reflect all sorts of vulnerabilities the past 4 years...

Currently...

'Future' is the missing word in my dictionary...

I feel hollow, bleak and scared within...

True enough, I have missed my old self...

Because i have been constantly and inadvertently searched for that missing piece of her in these past few years...

And honestly, relocating her makes me feel at peace...

I was under a mislead impression that people change and so do i...

Hence, i convinced myself again and again that she no longer exists,

Guessing i was wrong all these while...

Little did i know I have been yearning to merge back with her...

The me, who enjoys taking a toe-dip depth into that pool of emotions

or maybe drown herself in ripples of thoughts once in a while...

The Sulin who attends to her pouch of emotions, keeping herself in check...

I am sorry i have kept you waited so long...

I am sorry if i have torn a part you away from me..

I swear it was unintentional...

For I am back now and i will not let go of you anymore...

Shadow of my yesteryears casted upon a new torso from the new dawn...

I am glad it still fits... =)

Signing off,

serenity 10:58am

Waterpipe

I am behaving very extraordinary today.
This is the 3rd time i blogged in less than 16hours...
Meaning it is more than the times i have blogged in the past 1 year... Geez!

Want to know why?
Because I am behaving like a leaking waterpipe since yesterday night.
I think it is because i do not know how to handle parting very well.
I just had another bout of crying.... =((((((((((

A few minutes after i walked into the empty house, emotions came gushing out of nowhere and they are squeezing into my eyes, waiting to be released through torrential tears...
I could not even pretend it was there and pushed it away!

His absence is making me Un-Sulin. Damn it! Argh!
I feel weak inside, sorrow and all i want to do is cry and sneeze into tissues after tissues...

It feels so hard, prony!!!! why!!!!?????
Just for a week! i cant even do that?
are you kidding me sulin? *shrugs*

I miss his smiles, his laughters, his silly lame jokes, his funny expressions!
I miss his company... Eventhough i freaking ignore him all the time when he is around as i am very much into my fb addiction spree...

This feelings sucks! I cant imagine how i am going to live without him if he ever leave me first to the afterlife...

BABY!!!!! COME BACK LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T____________________________T

Reflecting: You or I?

I..................................

I have come to a stage where i feel the need to isolate myself from the rest of the world.
I just want to be alone!
Hiding in my cocoon licking my self inflicted wound...

The more i think about that few matters, the more swell up my lacrimal ducts become...
I thought i know myself...? No, it seems like i don't?

For once, i realised for the longest time, i haven't been reflecting...
on my words, my actions, my decisions... etc
Spoken to him about it, yet the scenes are still playing in my head. Over and over again.
hrmphh... not helping.

I feel like a failure. To miss such important upbeat of life.
It is as though i have missed an obvious life threatening finding in a patient.
A matter of life and death...

Only this time, it involves and is a threat to my life.

To inadvertently or subconsciously hurt someone?
Different entities but separated by very minimal margins...

But still? It was too innocent! TOO INNOCENT.
I did not even realise. Because to me, it was so insignificant... it was too benign...
It took me quite some time to remember what i actually did.

You................................

Assumption that you are generally accepted?
WRONG sue WRONG!
What you feel for that particular person may never be reciprocated.
Because not everyone is as forgiving as you. Fullstop.
Or maybe people are just sensitive at that fraction of seconds and *BAM* you have to be the cause to the whole hoo-haa.
Now, bear the consequences bah...
*nods su-lin*

No solution. Just a lesson to be learnt. An expensive one.

5 forbidden fruits and counting...
I wish i can taste a refreshing bite anytime soon.

Hollow

loneliness = death
i think i am nearing there...

stomach feels hollow
but i am not hungry

heart feels aching
but i am not having a heart attack

body feels numb
yet every sensations are prickling on alert

i feel faint
but i can stand and walk perfectly

all because of the word friendship...
have you ever felt as though you don't have true friends?
that everyone is just mere acquaintances...

tell me what i am currently feeling is just a change of weather, can you?
so i have H.O.P.E to look forward to...

but no, its not working...
adamant as i am
the truth is against all odds...

I am someone so insignificant...
It feels like i am falling and falling
but not reaching bottom zero?
maybe if i do finally fall and splat
things will be clearer...

using death against death...
='(

i do understand why people can commit suicide...
i do...............................................................................

If i were a boy...

"....If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts..."

~Beyonce '08~

i swear i will be a better man...

i would listen to her...
i would purse my lips and shut my mouth!
i would put my ears before my tongue!
because i know how it hurts...
to blabber things without thinking,
at a girl (or anyone else in that matter)

i would learn to respect a girl
before i expect her to do so
i would be thoughtful in conversation
i would be tactful in debating with her
put reasons forward
instead of defending for the sake of winning
just because i have my testosterone to be blamed

if i were a boy
i would not be so obsessed with my own ego
nor would i thrash theirs
i would be a gentleman and treat them like another gentlewoman
i would not segregate
but treat them just like one of us

if i were a boy
i would not discriminate the black skins
and think so proudly of my own bleach white fairness
which can beat the splashes of a ghost shivery whitish aura
because she knows you are as black as a soot inside
neither would i boast about how i should have further my study in western countries instead of the land of Ghandi

if i were a boy,
i would not talk about how i am better then my girlfriends' boyfriend
on how i am bigger
on how i am taller
on how i am better in that sports
on how i am smarter
on how i am like a so-called all rounder
because youth wears off and so do brain neurons

the best comparison i have ever heard was : i dump my gf at home and she wont make a sound but you are so sticky

if i were a boy
i would not show off
nor boast about what i did for my other half
nor compete with other guy on being the best boyfriend material
nor tell ALL my friends what i did over the weekends (intentionally)
!PERIOD!
nor announce publicly to my friends how expensive my anniversary gifts were to my girlfriend
nor bringing up the same repetitive statements about my girlfriends reactions when she sees the diamond
nor share my sex stories on bed to my other guy friends
making it jokes of the year
neither would i ask silly questions that will 'fortunately' lead back on to conversations about me, myself and i
(beams! beams! beams! i hope the gigantic spotlight falls down on his head, crack his skull and he suffers from amnesia, forgetting he ever has a girlfriend and that he was ever a MAN and thinks he is a WOMAN now!!!)

also because i know my girlfriend is not an auction item for people to place bids upon
i would be very sneaky
and do what people least expect of me
i would surprise her and the rest of the girls
and let the verdict be enormously unexpected

if i were a boy
i would not talk about girls wearing push up bras
or injecting hormones
or doing implants
or their sagging boobs
or the wobbly big wide buffalo buttocks
the way they walk
the way they act
because i know everyone has different physique
and it is the heart that matters most
AND MORE SO IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND whom others can also degrade and spit comments on

(PUIK PUIK PUIK! think whether your frigging gf is Miss World's Standard first or not-la before talking bad about other girls!!!)
-disclaimer: face and looks discussion can be excusedla-

if i were a boy
i would not degrade girls
and think they are weaker then men
and feel like the most superior human in the whole universe
think that everyone else especially the girls and including my own man-kind are childish
that i'm the MOST matured of them all
then tell about how girls only like to whine, PMS, mood swing, and be materialistic

if i were a boy
i would never ever be a hypocrite
lansi! comment on people's attitude when my own attitude is just as shitty

if i were a boy....
i would be like my beloved him
or like that guy friend who stood by me through thick and thin (most of the time only ler actually)...
because they know how their girlfriend and girlfriends would feel...

and i can never be more proud for the both of you *SMILES*

"...But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts..."

and as a girl, I am very extremely seriously pissed!
pained, hurt, heartfelt, annoyed, angered

*sigh*

and said siva: if i were a boy, you'd be one pretty looking boy
and to esther if u are reading this... there you go, if i were a boy...

on a lighter note,
if i were a boy,
1. i would know how it feels like being on top of a girl (my reply to my own Supremo question one year ago on stage in front of my dearest MMMC dean)
2. i would get a girlfriend just like ME!

T________T

only love <3
Me, Myself and I

Her

my heart sank...,

as a familiar voice broke the silence of my grogginess in the afternoon awaken...

however...,
upon seeing her, i felt elated for a few seconds...
she smiled and i reciprocated.

even though it was just a glance of her before she turned away doing her things, i managed to calculate a few things and registered them in my head.

she wears a very tired look. It is as if she is so beaten up with things in her life lately. Or maybe, its is merely a facade of someone with sleepless night after endless torrential arguments...

i miss her, sure i do. But things happen... I do not wish i could turn back the time because it would be futile. It was a blow when i knew i wasn't that person she can rely on anymore...
If it has to be this way, so be it. I can only pray the best for her...

and as we parted, i realize
she doesn't sound too familiar anymorel...

string puppets...

Have you ever felt how does it feel like being a puppet?

or, worse still, when you finally come to a realization that you have been one for the longest time...
while not coming up front to tackle and find an answer to that dull continuous irk. that inability to set free and feels like you are under the control of another person will eventually and slowly eats up your conscience or feed on your soul...

String puppets were very famous. In fact Pinocchio was made based on the concept puppet. Only difference, he walks talks mocks rocks without those string and he has wooden limbs, nose, face, lil' john(LOL) and head with only a tuft of hair covered by his large red hat.

That was literally being a puppet.

But being a puppet on the inside is just horrible.
One loses sense of purpose, loses graceful strike of efficiency and sometimes even feels brainless or heartless.
It is as if one is merely on the stage of puppetry of their own life only to realize things could be done to undo the manipulative scene.

One of the famous writer once quote:
"There are many advantages in puppets. They never argue. They have no crude views about art. They have no private lives."

What about the Pupeeter? Good vs. Bad?
A good master is always bad. Nice master who isn't just a master but a thoughtful friend and hero who saves the day doesn't just end there.
Because sadly, someone who heaves the position of a MASTER has to fulfill the all the criterias.
Hence a master is also someone i shall define as a person is unable to resist of the devil's offer...

There is a story of a girl, a girl living as a puppet inside who once told me how it feels like being one. The emotional war she has to go through occasionally when there is an event to cater for. She worked her way to her master's heart. And she is a very important person. Or at least she was made to believe so. Her master constantly praised her and told her that she is just like his right arm.

So, days, weeks, months and years gone by and she still lived in a deception...
She is now some one who she wasn't. She thought she was contented but she wasn't...
She was bleeding inside. Aching to be someone, waiting for each sunrise to tell her who she is...

Eventually, she left the master. Without any signs of hatred, she sets off before the light of dawn crack the deep purple morning sky.
Looking forward to new hopes awaiting in the next valley she stumbles upon, bearing tears of triumph, she walks away from those she has been living with for almost one decade of her life...

Has she successfully severe the strings that were attached to her mind, heart and soul...?
Let us see whether i meet her again... so she can continue on where she has left...

"Sometimes life seems to pull us along on strings, tugging us this way and that. It can get confusing, leave you feeling out of control. Sometimes its a matter of becoming animated all on your own and yanking the strings down. And then sometimes it is about being made to do a little dance to amuse the children."

tonight, my heart speaks...

I have known this for as long as i was no longer a loner that walks this planet earth...

But I have never felt it as much as i do today...

Because, my entire life evolve around my other half...
my schedule cannot be extended or altered much because i plan everything with him in it...

I am not complaining...
I just regret i do it only one way...

Tonight.., i cannot even think of anyone i can even ring up or invite to dine with me.
Just because i don't have such friends anymore
Just because i made him my only friend, my only soul mate
Just because longer am comfortable with anyone else
Just because i will be awkward with others
Just because everyone else has walked their path...
Just because there isn't such thing call a best/good friend
Just because experience hasn't brought me till today...
I am truly upset but i can only tear inside...

or maybe...
maybe just because i am reluctant to ask
Because i am too egoistic...

I no longer is capable of keeping up with the word "friendship"

i wish i was back home in malaysia...
i can call people close to my heart, if i still have them...
i dont know why but i somehow miss vjay...maybe he can relate to me?
sigh...

my beloved...

Coconut, my beloved puppy passed away. I was really attached to her. Eventhough it was probably a one sided thing... *sigh*

She was about 2months old... A cute cuddly and pretty dog she was. Would have grown up looking really dashing as a mongrel. Like her mother.

:: one night before the misfortune...coconut and biscuit- LOOK! LOOK! She was resting on her mum...How adorable! ::

I miss her...
I miss the way she would scurry to me when i brought her some tit-bits ie: tiger biscuits and goodlife milk...
I miss the way she sniffled my toes and rounded my feet aimlessly when i stood still.
and I miss the way she *cabut* when i tried to scare her...

I miss those moments when I came down and hang around her and her siblings after long hours of head racking studying hours.

:: the 3 of them sleeping soundly in the basket they were stuffed in while we did some monsoon-cleaning ::

Now, only the memories of her and her siblings are left.

She was knocked down by a car... Still a baby, an innocent one. She wasn't aware of the danger of moving vehicle. *cries...* It must have been really an agony.

Peanut, a brown one which looks like the mother and Donut, a darker male were both kidnapped few days before the appalling incident happened...

:: donut ::

:: peanut - she was trying to escape the basket! >.< :: The last glance i had of her, she was tilting her head in the most adorable manner... As if she was asking me where was i going leaving her behind. I was on my bearbear's bike going back home... And while after that, the insolent driver committed such unforgivable sin!!!!! I didn't know about the incident till the next evening... After she breathed her final goodbye... I will continue missing you... :: R.I.P coconut...::

in another realm

when he cries... it felt as if those were my tears...
the hurt is more empowering than those i've scraped through myself...
probably it was just the ache of one person then...
and because i finally have understood those who choose to contain their sorrow within the soul, lock them from the rest of the world as if the related issues do not exist.

"unhappiness heaved only by one person is simplier and less complicated," says him

frankly, i never seemed to agree to that statement. it seems ridiculous! who would wanna beat your own self and bleed to death alone? Worse still, nobody realize that you are dead.

standing on the surface of earth, confronting the eye of solar system, she said a prayer. a gratitude for the blessing that has fallen upon her...

on the contrary to the tranquil morning that has just set in, she is full of hatred and vengeance. A feeling she cannot explain. A state of mind which has tainted the constructive and bubbly self she is on the outside. She wishes for the worst to those in her black book. She hopes for cruciatus curse to fall upon every one who has snipped a part of his life away from him...

Nobody can hear her. The bitterness in her voice is inaudible to those insensitive low-lives!
Sometimes she hope she could be be just like any common person. To blame others at any given time. For by doing this, the fire in her wouldn't licked and burnt down every positive thoughts she ever perceived on friends! Because by accusing others, it will quench the satisfaction of injustice she hope someday will be justified.

with the unsurmountable volatile emotional commotions parading in her thoughts, she has also discovered the unperturbed and secluded ripples somewhere inside her...
she knows she has made the right choice. she has been showered with gift not everyone gets everyday. for she has settled down on a sacred land and she has dug out treasure no money can buy.

she smiles... after drawing in a long deep cup of air. slowly she turns around only to realize he was standing all the while behind her observing her contrast against the saffron and golden honey-coloured sky...

see, this is the invisible support she has always needed. she made an oath upon her life that she will be the crutch when he is paralysed, and the shoulder for support when he cries again...

this doesn't account to much senses if one use logics and facts to calculate. so be it. please do not comment on my incomprehensible post.
he is bestowed with patience that can rival the strongest ship travelling in a storm. he wears the toughest shield that can reflect most sharp and stinging animosity. This is him. The hero within.

unlike some...

It is getting depressing.

The weather. The blog. The environment. The mates. And the person herself.

Where is that bit of hope someone is suppose to catch when things are getting out of hand?

I am very emotional today. Especially when i woke up. Finding myself in the dark. Without lights. Without the warmth that usually surrounds.

I cannot let go... Cannot let go of so many things... I am in a mess right now. How am i suppose to talk about it when i don't even know what is it?

When i hope sleep will carry my discontentment into dreamland. When i hope by the time i open my eyes, every hazy thoughts will be cleared. When i hope, by inducing tears, all the misery will be washed away along with the emotional drainage system...

They were futile hopes! Useless.
I am too naiive to understand my surroundings. Every situations seemed to be magnified. ENLARGED! Larger then life!

Feeling appalled.

I Just Robbed My Life From Me.

Things in my mind currently (like right now?):

1. End of 3rd block exam.
Or so I declared... There is one last forensic paper to go. Too tired for it. Thought i would hear myself cheering. But no, I am totally wasted. I felt like I have shouldered two machine guns while marching up a slope. Oh well, I did "tembak" alot alot alot! It was war of the brain cells.
There were two school of thoughts: TRUE / FALSE.

2. I've just hopped from one to another every possible friends blog sites i could possibly access.
A lil bit disturbed. So many things happened. So lil time ticked away. Am i stationary or what?
Or have I speed too fast that when I'm finally slowing down, I reach nowhere?
Ok, I'm feeling random. Bet its the exam power vacuum which sucked my juice of life right under my nose. (from my mouth lar)

3. Why do I feel distant from almost everyone?
Have I reserved myself a lil too much? I know not... This doesn't feel right but I don't have the will to any make amend.

4. Have I reached another important turning point along my life?
Well, maybe I've taken the turn without even noticing it earlier. I'm miles away from the turn now. So, there's just zero point to turn my back for a peek.

5. I have changed. I have changed. I treat people differently now. I see things from a different view. And people treat me differently too. It's weird. But again I am not too bothered. Maybe not now. Why ah?

6. Life is boring when I don't spread my wings and fly... But how to soar when I'm tied down by so many responsibilities? No, im not talking about the responsibility of fnishing my SDLs, PBLs, CBLs or ILs. The past is still loitering around.

7. My life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and make that another gazillion times more) uneventful!
No more clubbing.
No more dressing up.
No more shopping.
No more speeding in my Deadly Kenari.
No more walking in high heels.
No more mini skirts.
No more hairdos.
No more flirting.
No more changes.
No more LIFE.

*static sound appearing from nowhere*

I think im gonna wilt like the plant outside at my balcony soon. I feel like the dead being brought to live in a life not meant for me. Zombified. *ZONK*

Perhaps, she was right. I am in Med school... MAD SChool! And im eventually turning mad!

" I JUST ROBBED MY LIFE FROM ME"

Currently listening to RBD-Tu Armor

"With great power comes a greater responsibility"

sounds familiar? Of course! Its depicted from the mutated dude who wears red-blue cobwebbed suit who flung himself around in the city.

Bah! Thats not the point.

As usual, I enjoy deviating from the main course.
Wonder when will I get lost and start following the map using an appropriate compass.
*here i go again*

"With great attention, comes a greater hollowness to be filled"

I'm beginning to suspect of my own doing. Talk about the devil in me eh...
It is time like this that you can't help where are those who you really call friends fair-weathered foes...
About seeing things in a more optimistic perspective, it just doesn't apply in every situational dilemma.

People do not care. People act like they don't. I act like that too. But deep down, residing in one corner of my pouch of emotion... its struggling hard to stay calm... With every beat, it grows a lil' more feeding on the loneliness, doubts that haunt the owner.

How come only I feel this way? Why do I have to expect so much from friends? I hate myself for feeling this way yet I cannot find any solution to this predicament. I tried telling myself, they do not appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I am nowhere significant in their life just as much as how much I prioritize them. Shows how much I am fond of them and in return, instead of getting the same treatment, I get the I-dont-care-what-shithole-you-drop-into attitude.

This isn't justice I am ranting about. Friendship comes with extra complimentary good that the receiver does not need to ask for or work for. Too bad, its human weakness to hope for the same thing she feels for. It is only normal. Only consolation I can resort to... What else can I do? Throw tantrum at them? Show them the right way they should treat a friend of a different gender?

It is alwayz me who finally have to give in. I give my best shot by making it easy for them. I act, I behave, I talk, I laugh like a male to a certain level. But reality doesnt alter the nature's course that I think, feel and has a heart of a fragile lady... It beats me badly whenever I think about this matter. It makes me feel so weak and useless.

*sigh..* Has been happening for a bit. Maybe I should just immunized myself with it.
Makes life so much less complicated.

What can be more silent when you cant hear your friends who are excitedly giggling away... With fireworks spraying colours of joy against the vast starry sky and the boom reaching your ears a few seconds later in a few intervals at a distance away...

Chinese New Year has never been so quiet... It is like I'm standing within a few centimeters of sound-proof space that prevent me to blend in with the atmosphere... There is a cloud of sombre-ness hovering above me... But when I look up, I see nothing.

It has been a few years CNY isn't the same anymore... I do not know what is the actual meaning of celebrating CNY. It is all broken... With her departure, the definition of broken became more vivid. I keep holding on to memories. I fail to let go. I would love to see things like how it used to be. It is impossible. Yes, I know...

Two days before CNY, the market in our area which I cud observed from KD-3-10 never failed to excite me. I like the bust of preparation of chinese new year. Every year, aunt will take out her annual vase and decorate it with lovely pretty flowers...
Eve..,all 11 of us sitting around in round table. Me having my first lesson of beer. Ended up jolly-shandied. Perching excitedly on the table not any shorter than me back then, right beside either aunts so that they can peel the prawn skin for me. Nibbling food from brothers's plate. Haha~

I guess, I will never enjoy CNY anymore... Never... It is going to be a tough effort and people to make me feel that way again. I felt like a child... A fragile small child still protected with cocoon. Passed were the time when I knew only very lil of everything.

This occasion is another day for me which allows me to mourn... To remember. To reminisce. I choose to think that nobody can ever understand the feeling of losing it all. Fugly, I tell u, fugly... In a way, I find it consoling a bit to think this way.
Depressing post again? Bah~ Yeah. Too bad.

A journey to locate the enlightenment, a journey to let go of everything...