Balance?

Who says you need to travel across globe to find inspiration?
Who says you need to physically experience the breath of another breeze, literally hearing the cackles of another cultures and walk the earth of another country to locate yourself and find the definition of life?

I just felt that swell of excitement and the glow of happiness from within just by being home. Sitting or rather couch potato-ing in front of my new found love => Toshiba flat screen TV which serves the purpose of a mini cinema for movies i've missed. Finding out about the USB port built into it is probably the brilliant most thing ever invented.

2 hours and 15minutes, sitting right there in my hall, sipping my favourite earl grey tea fixed in one of my mum's cup collection i rummaged from her precisely arranged "cup" shelves... Haha. With a lot of in between toilet visits which was a few hops away.

Eat, Pray, Love.
I know, i know, i am slow... Like superbly slow to finally watch it.

But today seems like the right weather and the rightest moment to go through this movie.
Why?

Because it taught me quite a bit about life... Because it made me reflect a lot about what has happened to me and my so called poorly extricated decisions i made in the past. And as usual, dreamers like me LOVE relating characters from movies/series/story books to my narcissistic self. =)
And the best part is, it makes me want to blog today!

Came across a few wisdom words in the movies.
I am a sucker for quotes. T.T

Anyways, this movie is about an achiever woman who has everything is life except coming into terms with herself. Balance as she calls it. So setting of to 3 different parts of the continents, she finally located that missing pieces within her but only to realise she might be losing it again to this scary intangible invisible feeling called love. Oh well, i guess everyone must have gone through this phase of life. Me included.

I always thought something was obviously very wrong with me... How can you just let go so much just for something you found just a few months ago and also for a future you are not certain of?

Here are the answers:

"Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living balance in life..."

"Everybody needs affection, it makes you do funny things. Especially at the beginning of any love affair, you want too much of happiness and pleasure until you fall sick, and everybody lose themselves..."

It is indeed scary and fearful but you know you have never felt this good before being with another person. And you do not need complex bombastic words to describe these feelings. Only that ONE automatic smile to know the IT feeling.

And for that i dedicate this entree for you sweetheart.
Everything can be falling apart but as long as the bond that hold both you and me together does not break, i am sure this is just another passing phase. *denial mode onz* hehe.  

Only Love,
Serenity... 

growing up isn't a just mere statement you type on fb for the world to see... 
Today it hits me so hard that it is the unexplainable, unpredictable and unimaginable horror gut feeling that makes your heart aches and mind goes light headed...
Only to realise you have done the undoable things and wished you have tapped on a different button of options in that few particular moments of life...

I might be in denial...
What if everyone is right?
I am only going against all odds believing someone who doesn't believe in me...
It pains me to accept not just being away on crucial dates and celebrations of the year, but now it pains me more to know the truth... But i'd always opt for the truth. It makes me stronger.

I get a pang of jealousy looking at how successful everyone is doing...
All i wanted was someone to love me back like how i love that person...
Is that such a difficult request to be fulfilled?
I guess it is...
And it very much still involves karma...
Only difference, it was directed at me without filter.

And no, i don't ever want to be with someone who thinks there is someone better out there.
Because i have been there and done that. I put someone through that ache i can never ever forgive myself.
Well, i will be the better person, and not allow the other person to walk through that sinful path and also not to allow myself to go through such aches.
Afterall i am the weaker one, because right now, i love more...

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."


NOTED. 

From Wifey...

What-if person

by Mel Kuan on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 7:55pm

"Everybody has a what-if person. It's the boy you turned down when you're nineteen, thinking you could do better than a used Ford car and an Art Diploma. It's the married blonde colleague who sits in the next cubicle and with whom you push the job deadline with. It's the one person who haunts you with thoughts and ideas of how your life could otherwise be. What if.

Surprisingly our brains are wired to think that what-if is a safe and happy zone where rainbows sprout and unicorns fly. It's the unattainable greener side of the fence. And perhaps because it can only exist in the subconscious which makes it all the more desirable, especially at moments when reality is riding hard on you.

The what-if person is mysterious and magical. He/she has the power to evoke such emotions in you that make you want to create a time machine to time travel back to that precise moment which could have turned your whole life around. Maybe it's that minute eons ago when you were fidgeting nervously in the car, deciding on the perfect time to lean in for a kiss, yet when you mustered enough courage, he/she has closed the door on you. Or maybe it's the time when your eyes met and you knew it's the perfect moment to utter the words you've been dying to spill forth but you held back because of pride. These are the people that become your what-if person. What if you had seized the moment and seized that person?

I used to have a what-if person that tortured my soul and gave me no peace of mind. I dwelled in that what-if world so long, wandering alone through upheavals of emotions that knew no boundaries.Perhaps it's a real lack of courage on my part to fight for it but now I believe it's just not to be. The what-if world shouldn't materialise. I'm glad mine didn't.

The only source fueling the existence of that tangible what-if person is discontentment in your day-to-day life. It's really not the what-if person who's tormenting you, it's the person whom you accomodate at your dinner table reluctantly every night and the person whose texts you felt cumbersome to even reply. That is the being who make your what-if person into a delicious fantasy.

Defining Love is beyond me. However I think when your what-if person has completely retreated from your head and you're glad holding a particular someone's hand at this moment on your side of the fence, you couldn't be that far from the shores of love.  

For us, without our what-if persons.

Happy birthday wifey!"

I kind of miss ID actually... Today is my last day working in the team. Somehow i became rather attached and fond of two of kids there. Being with them for the past two weeks gave me a memorable time in paediatric department. It was an eye opener as well...

Most of the kids there are RVD +ve kids. Fate has it that they have been "bestowed" to grow up wearing a tag that carries a huge taboo with them. It is sad seeing how innocent and their inability to grasp the severity of their illness. They still walk around smiling and being such cutie pies. I blame the parents and only the parents for doing this to them.

Anyways, one of them are left alone as an orphanage after beong born to this world. Nobody could take care of her nor supervise her HAART theraphy and she is only waiting to go...

She seems abit more happy today. Laughing and commenting on some cats and crocs on the tv. I smile inside hearing her chirpy and excited voice :) hehe. Gave her more candies today. Ive been feeding and stuffing these kids in ID with loads of candies and chocolates. (p/s: actually its my trick to coax them into letting me poke them with branulas or to reward them after a peaceful moment of blood taking. Haha. Not! :p)
But on a serious note, Its all these little little gestures and happiness i see in their faces that makes me feel its worth studying 5 years in the sucky sickening medical field. I am glad i can be a part of their life even for a while. :))
I am praying very hard for all of them especially her to be able to fight this battle and at least live to see the world.

Why la i grew fond of them... Aigh...

Honestly if you asked me 2 weeks ago, I cringed at the thought of dealing with them. I was so afraid that i might be accidentally infected due to some occupational hazzard. Plus knowing how clumsy i can get with my stupid psoriatic palms, i really hated the idea of being in Infectious disease team. But hey, now i am a pro in HAART and DOTs regime. :p

And this is another chapter of my life i feel i ought to share and remember. Adios and get well kidos!!!! ^^ till we meet again!

automatism meh?

prony,
have i told you before about automatic smile?
i think i haven't been using that term ever since i shamelessly thought mr. heartbreaker was all up for me and then i stupidly confessed to that bastard! lol.
anyways, that was eons ago... *yawns*
but on another note, i used to have the automatic smile attack so very frequently in high school. >.< yerrrr.

=))))

reason of my entry today is to jot down:
- i am an early bird today. woke up at 930. biological clock is effed.
- as i was typing on whatsapp, i saw him typing too and i thought whatsapp was going cuckoo
- and as i sent my message, his came in (time stamp 9:35)
- voila, coincidental encounter that triggers happiness in me
- automatic smile
- but right away dampened by the twisted sensation in my tummy
- nah it wasn't the faeces because i took a dump earlier -.-!
- i reckon it is more of the obstacles both him & i are figuring out...
- on another side, side note: lovely weather today. lovely morning. lovely downpour. lovely moment to ber-cuddles... i definitely miss you.

signing off,
serenity... =)
(10:27am)

dear, miss mood...

i am having tough times understanding myself...
still trying to figure out why i have been behaving these ways lately?
how am i going to explain when i do not even know the slightest of the reason?
if i dig hard enough through the cracks of my kidneys...
the answer that came jumping at me is that, this is entirely based on feelings
hence the existence of an answer through my kidneys is pretty much ZERO
how the fuck can i find an answer there when only feelings are involved?

i think i am ignoring my kidneys at the moment
there is no right and wrong
no room for discussions
no space to behave like an adult
i fucking want to be a kid badly like RIGHT NOW!
suck on a dick lollipop and not feel shy about it *rolls eyes*
jump on top of the opposite sex and not afraid of what the world might think of me
cry as i like and not be judged
throw tantrums and everyone will be at my feet wtf.wtf.

oh well, fucking grow up already TAN SU-fuckin-LIN
fuckin geddit that you have passed that age.
you have had your time in those years? like duh~

how about this theory?

...it feels so heavy inside
as though i am carrying weights of the entire world upon my shoulder
that i am feeling the pain of all the famine and maltapetaka people
NOT.wtf

*clears throat*
i so am fucking aware about the pettiness of all the matters involved
also the superficial part of it
but yet it perpetuated into some kind of emotional breakdown
every single time without FAIL
never really feel so sad in my entire life for not failing. fwt.
which then placed me in a position easily questioned by many less thoughtful people

now what i am trying to comprehend is why am i heading that direction knowing i'm gonna hit a dead end eventually?
purposeful or following my heart?
meant to be or not meant to be?
testing out the possibilities or stretching the patience margin?
hurt or ego?
thrashed or challenged?
revoked or provoked?

ultimately is it love or hate...?

my heart still skips a beat every time a *beep* came through...
even right now. =)

and before i take out my phone
i secretly wish the text message was from him...
while holding my breath, (ha-ha silly me!)
and excitedly, i peep at the screen to see his name flashing to me eyes on the screen.
then almost immediately and effortlessly i smile on the outside
at the same time feels the glow from within inside!
trust me, the amount of happiness that follow suit along with the sensation of how it spreads through every pores of body - PRICELESS! =)

i thought this phase would have been long gone by now
but to my utmost surprise, i am currently amazed myself...
i like the warm fuzzy feelings he never fail to create unknowingly =)

matters of the heart

sometimes it is too painful
to even think about what has happened and what is going to happen

at times, it feels as though i am in cloud nine
blissful and happier than any woman in this world

today...
i am being surrounded by this queer unfathomable sensation...
after much thought...
i finally found a vocab to describe this feeling of mine...
many call it bittersweet...

a few days ago, i felt numb emotionally...
things were happening one after another
that i could barely catch my breath
i wasn't even running but i know i was being chased...
because before i knew it, i stumbled upon a dead end with no conclusive solutions...

i feel like crying my lungs out
but only a squeak escaped...

maybe i have been bottling up a lot of things subconsciously
perhaps that pouch of emotions can no longer withstand the pressure...
i have no idea...

however, one thing i know for sure...
i am messed up...
and i am falling in love.
only deeper than i have thought...

ripples of thoughts...
@1156
serenity... 

watashiwa slept of feeling all sorts of unsatisfactory vibes ie:
-violated
- being used
- dumb
- silly
- short fused
- taken for granted

but watashiwa woke up feeling those were so unreal and not parallel to my expectations.
wonders how much moodiness can alter one's perceptions towards a certain issue.
also wonders if that is the closest most genuine heartfelt shit that is going through in me. But just because i have always been able to put up with emotional attacks, i tend to overlook how they have maimed me. Only to realise those wounds when i let my guard down...

Life sucks in my humble opinion. FARK YOU! 

familiar echoes...

Hank: I know tonight kinda got a little ruined


Becca: It's okay, i'm used to it


Hank: I'll make it up to you, i swear...


Becca: I know


Hank: Do you?


Becca: Sure. You never mean to let me down, but you do...


Hank: Yeahh i guess i do...


Becca: You, know... 
Its all well and good to talk about happy endings..., but if a person can't deliver..., if he keeps screwing up...
Well, eventually i guess i kinda just have to say fuck you, or words to that effect...


(Californication S01E07) 

This episode and especially this conversation sounds eerily familiar...
For this past one week, i have been encountering a lot of these weird-life-is-a-karma-lesson. Quite a challenge to taste my very own bitter medicine not once but twice.

True enough i went through halfway hell but overall i think it was worth the ride.
I feel much better and lighter, after venting those issues close to heart to the person close to my heart.
Am also very glad that I finally heard the consolation words i never thought i would be hearing.
Resolving issues that were bothering me for the longest time.

As much as i like where this is heading, the whole perfect idea still creeps me out. Too ideal for me to handle in this realistic world. Plus, this whole thing also feels too good to be true. I am a strong believer that nothing good will eventually come out from a great start.
Common la..., since when everything seems to fit the puzzles so well. Since when everything seems to snuggly fall into places. And since when wishes are being granted so easily?
Snow white would never ever get her prince charming if she hadn't chocked on apple.

Any fucking way, all i know for now is..., i am bloody well thankful and happy that our path crossed and is still crossing...
Happy Valentines Munks, eventhough i know we both are anti-vday people. Lol.

oxymoron feelings...

sometimes you just got to allow weakness to consume you wholly in order to locate strength...


maybe that is why we all cry our heart and lungs out once in awhile...
i just went through a whole good one hour exercise of catching my breaths
a few episodes of weepings followed by a long but intermittent, apprehensive and jerky inhalation - rhythm...


*double sighs...* 
however, it does feel very good to let many things out of my system


because i realise that i am capable of subconsciously accumulating my sadness and guilt,
which tend to clog up my entire sanity channel
then almost naturally, i subdue to pretence happiness and laughters


now, what scares me most is when i myself do not even notice my sudden change of bubbly behaviour
until it is too late...
for that is when i start breaking down and tearing for what feels like eternity...


*triple sighs...*
ohhh well, i suppose that is part and parcel of life


*pause...*
ultimately i'm glad that i manage to find zen within myself after letting those incomprehensible feelings out through my tears...
i only have to remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, no? =)


i, sulin am turning 25 years old this year,
but i still feel like a child 
so unsure,
so fickle minded,
and so fragile i could break at any given time...


living this life, i am tiptoeing on what feels like a ground full of land mines
and any moment of wrong steps i will be blown into smithereens
the end...


*quadruplet sighs...........*


only love,
sue... 0230

susu's quote of the day =)

Serena: I don't mean to take you for granted. It's just, if we're being completely honest...

Dan: We are.

Serena: I think that maybe sometimes I test you. You know, I keep thinking that if things get too hard you'll give up on me. But you never do.

Dan: And I never will. If you really need me, ever, I am there. But i think there's a reason you didn't insist i come with you over the break..

Serena: and the same reason why u didn't make me stay...

(gossip girl s04e12) 

Sometimes..., 
we all choose to pass the baton and move onto someone else.
We tip-toed out of our comfort zone knowing very well what predicaments are in store for us.  
For...,insecurities, doubts and heartaches are the elements that make our existence feels tangible and substantial...
Also constantly reminding us that we are still on par with this game called... LIFE. 

we may surprise ourselves as we face the future,

or be surprise when cleaning up the past...

num19...

a month has passed...

light has been shed upon my path ahead...
at the same time,
darkness surrounds me form within...

it is also 2 shorts of 4...

in loving memories...,
suebit

5:32am
19/01/11

no one understands...

Not so long ago, i blogged about how no one but only life can gives us a second chance...
It still holds true to me...
And i OWE no fucking one an explanation of what i do...


After what happened 2 days ago...
The more i realise i am alone in this voyage called life...
Not even my closest soul mate understood what went wrong...
For when i was crying in fear and in pain...
She took me for granted thinking it was only about the after effect of alcohol...
But what pained me deeper was the fact that she was only looking for a solution to fix things...
No one was listening to my cry of despair...
I felt so lonely... 
So lonely that i could really go mad...
Yes i was shouting but i wasn't over reacting... 
All i needed then was a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ear to listen to my predicaments i will be facing the next few days...
I was really scared... 


True enough, it is happening...
I am being isolated by my own blood...
In the name sake of concern?!


What about my feelings? 
No one ever bothered checking into that part of me...


All i am feeling at the moment is the older i grow, the lonelier i get...
And that, i realise is my ultimate fear...


I am indeed exhausted emotionally...
Very tired of pleasing everyone in my life... 
Tired of living up to expectations...
Tired of upholding my believes...
Tired of fighting what i thought worth fighting for...


So, I am going to let go of that grip right now...
Because i definitely feel lighter...
Because of the end of the day, i live for no one but myself...
People who so happened walk into my life will one day leave my ship...
People who so happened to be someone i called family can only be concerned...


Maybe i am given a chance to understand daddy...
I stumbled upon answers i was never seeking for...
Because i am currently taking a stroll in the darker side of life...
The path my dad used to walk...
I get to walk it now...
And i see the reasons why he walked it once...


In short, i walk this life alone...
No one understands it better than myself...
It is true that no one understands... NO ONE!
Hence from today onwards, i vouch not to explain anymore to anyone who will never get it...
Enough is enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

How does it feels like being accused?
Oh let's see!
It feels like crap!

It feels like i have being blacklisted. I am going to be stuck with that label forever.
What more? Especially when that is coming from people i care about..
I was literally flabbergasted...
I couldn't even defend myself...
I feel so weak...
I feel like some stupid useless girl.
All because of what i have done in the past?
I don't deserve a new life?
NO?

And all because he was so sure of what he feels!?
Wooooowoooooo. Slow down dude.
You are in my life for a couple of weeks and you act as though you have known me for freaking 20years.
Period.

unanswered questions...

I accidentally allowed emotions triumph over my tower of defence...

Defence lost 0-1 to emotions... 

pffft...

Perhaps...

trickling tears is the best remedy for the painful ignorance i have succumbed to...

It pains me... 

when i reminisce 

every single time...

where have those moments disappeared?

why life has to be so challenging?

why cant i be satisfied with what i have?

why do i have to do this to him, myself and us? 

I am still waiting for that very one day to arrive and slap me real hard on the face

Will i be too vulnerable then?

Or have i bought enough time then to be able to withstand the impact?