What have become of me?

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!
The constructions all around me are driving me NUTS!
I am expecting a peaceful and tranquil getaway from the everyday-medical-havoc-life after class! And I come back only to be fed with unimaginable drillings, knockings, hammerings of all sorts of frequencies and desibles!!!!! Thats not all!
Those polution come from every direction possible- In front of my room! Upstairs! Downstairs! Next to my apartment! A few apartments away??!!!! EVERYWHERE!
Worst of all, the fusion of the painstaking NOISEs come with the most awful, unsynchronized, annoying intervals!!!!!! *SHRIEK!*

Then, like its not enough to bug my hearing and concentration PLAYING GB and browsing net, THE movie! yes! THE movie Ive been anticipating for days to watch is corrupted!? Im referring to RE: Apocalypse. Also, the so-called Grammy award movie- The Prestige is quite a let-down. That I have waited a year since I watch the trailer. Thuff~

To top it all, I have been Home Sick. Who would have thought Sulin would be homesick? Cause I never had! I was never the girl who misses home! I came here feeling all happy and excited! BAH!~ I was thinking of mummy yesterday night and it lead me to think of everyone else. In the end, i ended up sending RARE smses to those in malaysia saying I miss them. Bet daddy must have been shocked. >.<

I am afraid to lose anymore people I love in my life... Losing them in anyway at all at any cost...
I cannot bear the feeling... I feel very broken inside... Very feeble... Very weak... To have anyone dear to me walk out of my life in front on my eye or to have anyone say goodbye to me forever... I sure know these are inevitable because realationship never last. Life is not forever too... Ive lost two of my dearest people in my life... And I can only see them in my memories engraved when they were around... 3 others have walked out on me... The more I chase after them, the further they are away from me... It is like im chasing their reflections... I have stopped running. Because I feel silly and dumb. Whats the point I salvage something or someone who doesnt care anymore...? Who doesnt apreciate me anymore...?

Who knows, it might be me who is going to leave everyone behind...?
Maybe it would have been easier... I wouldnt feel so disapointed... I wouldnt feel so betrayed and cheated if that happens...

I am the kind of person who feels way more then I show the world when it comes to emotional issue... Im not referring to anger or euphoria. Friends do take it for granted sometimes... It is time to stand straight and face each predicament. Ive ignored them for long enough. The space alloted for the incoming effects will soon vanished. Eventhough ive made frequent adjustments, compressing and taming the restless soul battered with emotional agony... Its juz not enough...

I have changed. For the better or worse... I will only know in the future... I'm afraid to trust anyone anymore... Im scared to be failed again and again... Ive given all I had in those people in hope for true friendship... Wish I didnt have to feel this way... but reality has proved itself not only one time...

It is dissapoinment that cause the rejection of me to the world. I have myself locked in my bubble of hope... It is the devastation that shade the beauty of frienship... I see the world as uglier and more tainted with pretence, facade, untruthfulness and ingenuine effort...


But I have not forgotten that I am within the world too...