FUDGE OFF!

just who do you think you are? some big shot? some superstar?
fart tart! i don't care if you do not care anymore.

chillax la. acting like a kitten! *meow*

so you think i am gonna swallow your shit? and tolerate you attitude?
GIMME A BREAK and bugger off man!

in case you are reading this, i ain't gonna see u.
H-A-P-P-Y? sure you are!

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

a walk of lifetime with noone but you,
fingers entwined and souls engaged....,
forming a silhoutte of love...

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

Only love <3

If i were a boy...

"....If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts..."

~Beyonce '08~

i swear i will be a better man...

i would listen to her...
i would purse my lips and shut my mouth!
i would put my ears before my tongue!
because i know how it hurts...
to blabber things without thinking,
at a girl (or anyone else in that matter)

i would learn to respect a girl
before i expect her to do so
i would be thoughtful in conversation
i would be tactful in debating with her
put reasons forward
instead of defending for the sake of winning
just because i have my testosterone to be blamed

if i were a boy
i would not be so obsessed with my own ego
nor would i thrash theirs
i would be a gentleman and treat them like another gentlewoman
i would not segregate
but treat them just like one of us

if i were a boy
i would not discriminate the black skins
and think so proudly of my own bleach white fairness
which can beat the splashes of a ghost shivery whitish aura
because she knows you are as black as a soot inside
neither would i boast about how i should have further my study in western countries instead of the land of Ghandi

if i were a boy,
i would not talk about how i am better then my girlfriends' boyfriend
on how i am bigger
on how i am taller
on how i am better in that sports
on how i am smarter
on how i am like a so-called all rounder
because youth wears off and so do brain neurons

the best comparison i have ever heard was : i dump my gf at home and she wont make a sound but you are so sticky

if i were a boy
i would not show off
nor boast about what i did for my other half
nor compete with other guy on being the best boyfriend material
nor tell ALL my friends what i did over the weekends (intentionally)
!PERIOD!
nor announce publicly to my friends how expensive my anniversary gifts were to my girlfriend
nor bringing up the same repetitive statements about my girlfriends reactions when she sees the diamond
nor share my sex stories on bed to my other guy friends
making it jokes of the year
neither would i ask silly questions that will 'fortunately' lead back on to conversations about me, myself and i
(beams! beams! beams! i hope the gigantic spotlight falls down on his head, crack his skull and he suffers from amnesia, forgetting he ever has a girlfriend and that he was ever a MAN and thinks he is a WOMAN now!!!)

also because i know my girlfriend is not an auction item for people to place bids upon
i would be very sneaky
and do what people least expect of me
i would surprise her and the rest of the girls
and let the verdict be enormously unexpected

if i were a boy
i would not talk about girls wearing push up bras
or injecting hormones
or doing implants
or their sagging boobs
or the wobbly big wide buffalo buttocks
the way they walk
the way they act
because i know everyone has different physique
and it is the heart that matters most
AND MORE SO IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND whom others can also degrade and spit comments on

(PUIK PUIK PUIK! think whether your frigging gf is Miss World's Standard first or not-la before talking bad about other girls!!!)
-disclaimer: face and looks discussion can be excusedla-

if i were a boy
i would not degrade girls
and think they are weaker then men
and feel like the most superior human in the whole universe
think that everyone else especially the girls and including my own man-kind are childish
that i'm the MOST matured of them all
then tell about how girls only like to whine, PMS, mood swing, and be materialistic

if i were a boy
i would never ever be a hypocrite
lansi! comment on people's attitude when my own attitude is just as shitty

if i were a boy....
i would be like my beloved him
or like that guy friend who stood by me through thick and thin (most of the time only ler actually)...
because they know how their girlfriend and girlfriends would feel...

and i can never be more proud for the both of you *SMILES*

"...But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts..."

and as a girl, I am very extremely seriously pissed!
pained, hurt, heartfelt, annoyed, angered

*sigh*

and said siva: if i were a boy, you'd be one pretty looking boy
and to esther if u are reading this... there you go, if i were a boy...

on a lighter note,
if i were a boy,
1. i would know how it feels like being on top of a girl (my reply to my own Supremo question one year ago on stage in front of my dearest MMMC dean)
2. i would get a girlfriend just like ME!

T________T

only love <3
Me, Myself and I

Labour

everytime i read people's blogs, i get inspired to blog...
however, everytime i start typing, nothing comes out...
lack of head-finger coordination, i suppose

life has been very uneventful. doubt its ever going to be the next few months. maybe never.

*sigh.....*

currently in Obstetrics & Gynecology posting...
2 weeks ago, i had to stay overnight in hospital for 2 nights to watch LABOUR/DELIVERY!
trust me, not a great sight... for a coughsexycough lady like me.

i see myself on that labour table in say 5years time, with my overgrown two chunky thighs spread wide enough for the entire world to peep into my waheena T___T

Probably screaming and howling silently in agony. Because nobody will ever bother to empathize. And of course being the lansi and showoffwy me, i don't think i want to groan cotinuosly around the clock for 12hours and be symphatized....

i FEEL for the mothers. i FEEL for mummy! eventhough i was brought out through C-sec ler.
Still?

i dream of having family of my own someday. i want to have kids.
but how to? when watching delivery is worse then watching the horrorest horror movie?

*GASP!*

Kentang-vire

a few months back, jiahong told me that he used to have an english name.
he used to go to a Sunday school in which he learnt about Jesus and Mosses.
it was given by the parents but was never used elsewhere except for the mini autographs book we all used to sign when we were in primary 6. *laughs*

My reaction:
obviously...
"HUH? so whats your english name? "

His reply:
errrrm.... dont wana tell. you are gonna laugh. promise you wont laugh

Me:
*angel's halo appeared*

Him:
Edward.but... but but i prefer Dominique. (MUST BE ending with -que and NOT -c)

Me:
*trying hard to hold my laughter* Dominic is Perry's name. plus it sounds like that pizza Edward sounds better. EdwardLim!

*burst out laughing hard enough to squeeze out some tears*

anyways, with the hype of Twilight in the cinema lately and that cool and super yeng-ness of Edward Cullen played by the not-so-good-looking-in-real-life R. Pattison.
I decided to reveal to whoever that reads my blog about his weird childhood.

Me:
good time to intro your name
ed-o-ward-o

Him:
[9:23:57 PM] Jia Hong says: but but baby bu shi vampire.. baby shi...... kentangvire

Me:
*zonked*




Only love <3
susu (21:55)

Pimples Pandemic

i have an obsession to press and burst ripened pimples.
seeing the tip of the pimples anywhere on anyone's face creates this unfathomable irk from the inside out of me.

so, my poor youngest bro became a victim of my obsession.
spent an hour clearing the pimples.
alot of tears and blood were shed... HAHAHA!!!


:: the blood and tissues wasted... ::


:: the result of his sister's obsession..::

Only love <3
Dr. Sexy Tan (2230)

sleep or no sleep

I had a dream...
as early as today morning...

For the past one week, i have had difficulty in sleeping... I find myself staying awake most of the night past 3am. It sucks because i get really floaty the next day.

So, same thing happened today morning. I was trying hard to sleep since 4am but ended up rolling and turning on the bed and pillow. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me.

"how dare you trick your master?!" implored i, *sweat*

It formed many images that my eyes managed to captured throughout my life and then projected back onto the back of my closed eyes when i was trying to get a friggin rest.

Instead of dozing off, i ended up smiling when sweet images reeled past... and of course a mixture of thousand and one emotions as myriad of images formed and evaporated...

*sigh...*

in short: in insomniac ok!

anyways, the purpose (there is always a purpose blogging since i am not a regular anymore)
after a certain level of hardship of attempts to fall asleep, i managed to swim to dreamland.

only for bi to visit me in the dream. HOOORAY!
but...
it wasn't a nice pleasant dream.
because he freaking left me for another girl!!!! Dumped me!

T___T sadnyerr.....

oh yes... i remember who is the girl. and the girl has boyfriend too. in which she left him as well.
i couldn't bring myself to get back at jiahong even by trying to play along with the girl's ex boyfriend. how sucky.

and then i woke up just in time to dream past the point where it explains that jiahong was being a bastard because of charm gone wrong!

so WTF! this is just dumb!

Only love <3
insomniac chicken 12.38pm

B.O

There is a reason when people call you a STINKY!
now, i think there are TWO reasons.
why?
Because, well...

ONE!
you stink literally! Now i ain't gonna be nice telling those who called you a stinko a MEANIE.

TWO!
you stink figuratively too! So WOW!
*drumsroll*
what a combo we have over here.

and yeah, if you are reading this, I AM PUTTING THIS UP FOR YOU TO DEVOUR~
so suck it up!

Only love <3

lying on my tummy (abdomen as we medical freaks call it), i can hear the seconds ticking by and the familiar mysterious throbbing thuds within my eardrum that used to annoy me alot when i was a kid trying to sleep...

yeah uhuh, it just reflects how bored i am...
Raya holiday sprinted away too fast. Baby had been here for a month and now he has left for Manipal once again.

*long sigh...*

it feels weird to blog nowadays. Probably, i have moved on, away from the blogging trend...
either im outdated, not bothered, has a new way of channeling anger aka boy friend, too busy OR too obsessed with facebook (just read an article about internet addiction in CLEO magazine, uhuh... that's me *points at self*) Even my youngest bro started blogging secretly and i found out his address by chance!

*evil laughter*

Monday is to be anticipated...
The terror of the year!

Terrorist:
MVK (a hideous professor who can be put side to side to a Chimera) is back from his long hideout. He is seen heaving a M16 and a huge bazooka with him while other armors are not recognizable.

Victim:
The white mices wearing a terror look with a splash of whitening effect on their faces carrying a holy "bibble", praying and reciting the paragraphs of the holy words in the highest hope to escape the torture and disaster!

*double long sigh....*

and i'm already missing him
*tripple long sigh...*

Only love <3

I came across a forwarded post on my facebook funwall...
thought this particular phrase carries alot of truth in it...

There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did and who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future...

Only love <3
Sues in blues...

Her

my heart sank...,

as a familiar voice broke the silence of my grogginess in the afternoon awaken...

however...,
upon seeing her, i felt elated for a few seconds...
she smiled and i reciprocated.

even though it was just a glance of her before she turned away doing her things, i managed to calculate a few things and registered them in my head.

she wears a very tired look. It is as if she is so beaten up with things in her life lately. Or maybe, its is merely a facade of someone with sleepless night after endless torrential arguments...

i miss her, sure i do. But things happen... I do not wish i could turn back the time because it would be futile. It was a blow when i knew i wasn't that person she can rely on anymore...
If it has to be this way, so be it. I can only pray the best for her...

and as we parted, i realize
she doesn't sound too familiar anymorel...

string puppets...

Have you ever felt how does it feel like being a puppet?

or, worse still, when you finally come to a realization that you have been one for the longest time...
while not coming up front to tackle and find an answer to that dull continuous irk. that inability to set free and feels like you are under the control of another person will eventually and slowly eats up your conscience or feed on your soul...

String puppets were very famous. In fact Pinocchio was made based on the concept puppet. Only difference, he walks talks mocks rocks without those string and he has wooden limbs, nose, face, lil' john(LOL) and head with only a tuft of hair covered by his large red hat.

That was literally being a puppet.

But being a puppet on the inside is just horrible.
One loses sense of purpose, loses graceful strike of efficiency and sometimes even feels brainless or heartless.
It is as if one is merely on the stage of puppetry of their own life only to realize things could be done to undo the manipulative scene.

One of the famous writer once quote:
"There are many advantages in puppets. They never argue. They have no crude views about art. They have no private lives."

What about the Pupeeter? Good vs. Bad?
A good master is always bad. Nice master who isn't just a master but a thoughtful friend and hero who saves the day doesn't just end there.
Because sadly, someone who heaves the position of a MASTER has to fulfill the all the criterias.
Hence a master is also someone i shall define as a person is unable to resist of the devil's offer...

There is a story of a girl, a girl living as a puppet inside who once told me how it feels like being one. The emotional war she has to go through occasionally when there is an event to cater for. She worked her way to her master's heart. And she is a very important person. Or at least she was made to believe so. Her master constantly praised her and told her that she is just like his right arm.

So, days, weeks, months and years gone by and she still lived in a deception...
She is now some one who she wasn't. She thought she was contented but she wasn't...
She was bleeding inside. Aching to be someone, waiting for each sunrise to tell her who she is...

Eventually, she left the master. Without any signs of hatred, she sets off before the light of dawn crack the deep purple morning sky.
Looking forward to new hopes awaiting in the next valley she stumbles upon, bearing tears of triumph, she walks away from those she has been living with for almost one decade of her life...

Has she successfully severe the strings that were attached to her mind, heart and soul...?
Let us see whether i meet her again... so she can continue on where she has left...

"Sometimes life seems to pull us along on strings, tugging us this way and that. It can get confusing, leave you feeling out of control. Sometimes its a matter of becoming animated all on your own and yanking the strings down. And then sometimes it is about being made to do a little dance to amuse the children."

diary of missing bf...

my last post dated back to 24th of February '08
a long way back, when i was still living with my bf which i missed the most now, complaining how my life in India would finally come to an end AND enduring all the sleepless night arranging, packing, sealing and biting each others head off while packing. It's a normal thing. That is what couple do to pass time - FIGHT.

Then comes the nice part of making it up, saying sorry, doing the dovey lovey thingy which i should just save it for myself.

He then took an earlier flight home on the 29th of February.Gahh~ I mish every bits of gf-bf war and most importantly I mish HIM!

5 days later, I waved my final goodbye to the land of India. I remember taking Bubble out and was cruising along the Manipal roads one last time on the night before my flight... It was really sorrowful, yes at least to my soul. However, as the plane touches the Malaysian ground and the voice of captain was soothingly projected through the PA system of the plane welcoming me home, the feeling of elation followed short. Not because i would be seeing my grumpy ol' man daddy whom i quarreled on the phone the night in Bangalore airport but to the thought of a beginning of a new chapter of life.

I wasn't expecting to see bf in the airport. Because he previously told me he would not be in town till the end of week. To my utmost surprise and disbelief, he appeared out of nowhere from within the buzzing expectant crowds in the arrival hall. Handing me 3 beautifully bloomed big ass roses. *imaginary kiss kiss to imaginary bf* I actually didn't know how to react. One-because I was anticipating the continuation of verbal war with my dad
Two-i was too shallow with expression on how to face a surprise visit from bf in airport. *blush*

We had another pre-marital honeymoon session for one month. Of all the many crazy things we did, i will never forget how the both of us triggered his house alarm at the wee hour of morning.
>_______<
WHY? It is a story for next time.

It is time to say byebye~ *mariah carey new song sings in the background* Only 2months had passed since the day i saw him being transported down on the escalator that draw a margin of those who are going on planes and those whose job is to tear, wail, hug and slap that all-the-best mark at the back of the person leaving. No, i didn't cry of course. I am a strong woman ok! Actually I did, secretly with him after giving him our kiss that has to last for the next 5months. T_______T

Missing a person is bad enough. Missing everything you do with that person is the worst.
I have been compelled to blog and pour my heart out ever since i started class in Malacca. But only until today i managed to sit down and typed out my messy train of thoughts.
I kept myself busy or tried to be busy to distract me from drowning in the misery at least during the day. At night the situation just heartily got magnified 20x like my fellow friend new SLR camera. So clear it hits me so damn hard in my heart and shatter the protection glow i have been building all day long!!! Thfff~ Waterwork would start-stop-start-stop until my body water level reaches critical insufficient water storage level. Sigh.....

Anyways, it didn't work for the first week, and as second week arrived, i got the hang of it.

Seriously, i am so thankful that we have internet in this era. I CANNOT imagine life without this virtual communication touch. No webcam, no IM, no skype. I wouldn't wanna be writing a letter and then post it through the cooing dove service that fly across seas and against tornado then takes another eons of years to reach the other side of the world. Sumore la we are talking about reaching INDIA. Those people might just grabbed my letter and wipe their buttocks after a business in the loo. Who knows right? *shakes head*

So, we see each other. All the time. He even calls whenever, wherever and that really is super sweet OK! I know he wants to minimize the effect of long distance. And i know indirectly he is telling me he misses me all the time. I am silently glad... So glad my grins are so random sometime it carved my blank face when i think about him.

Recently. Very recent infact, say like the past few days, i have been missing him badly. So bad that created an imaginary JH. WTF~
Time is ticking so fucking slow! URGH! It has only been 2 months. I have 3 friggin months to pull myself through. OH-MY-GOD~~~~~~ How la... how la... I am deprived of a good relationship here! Do something al mighty GOD!

I am tired of blogging already. *yawns*
I need sleep. Zonked~

as i see him marched off, heading to his last battle, i just cant help feeling that agony arising from the bottom of my heart up...
and slowly, a miniature bag of tears were formed threatening to summon more of their own kinds...

i am as totally exhausted as he is. maybe a little lesser.
it wasn't a smooth 3 weeks for both of us.
i have been denying the truth that we are not going to be spending time like how we used to do so for the past 6 months...

loneliness... for a year, i am dreading
back to independence. everything isn't going to be the same anymore...
i am so used to wake him up when i can't find my bike key early in the morning
he wakes up every morning to kiss me goodbye no matter how sleepy headed he feels
coming back home from the tiring postings each day, he would joyfully awaits me with him standing on the doorway when he hears my scooter puffing a distance away
and i am going to miss the way he holds my hand warmly and hug me to sleep every night

i wished things were different. i wish...

i love you my dearest and i will miss you...

tonight, my heart speaks...

I have known this for as long as i was no longer a loner that walks this planet earth...

But I have never felt it as much as i do today...

Because, my entire life evolve around my other half...
my schedule cannot be extended or altered much because i plan everything with him in it...

I am not complaining...
I just regret i do it only one way...

Tonight.., i cannot even think of anyone i can even ring up or invite to dine with me.
Just because i don't have such friends anymore
Just because i made him my only friend, my only soul mate
Just because longer am comfortable with anyone else
Just because i will be awkward with others
Just because everyone else has walked their path...
Just because there isn't such thing call a best/good friend
Just because experience hasn't brought me till today...
I am truly upset but i can only tear inside...

or maybe...
maybe just because i am reluctant to ask
Because i am too egoistic...

I no longer is capable of keeping up with the word "friendship"

i wish i was back home in malaysia...
i can call people close to my heart, if i still have them...
i dont know why but i somehow miss vjay...maybe he can relate to me?
sigh...

...affected...

I have been blog hopping ever since 2 days ago. When i blog hop, i think alot too. It just gets my brain juice flowing...
Somehow, i can relate myself to other people's life through their everyday stories and then figure out things i fail to fathom alone...
Also everytime i finish reading, i get inspiration to blog blog and BLOG!! But, (there is always a but in everything nowadays, right?) sigh... But, whenever i sign into blogspot and arrive at the dashboard, i click the post button routinely and HALT. I find myself staring at the blank screen and the cursor goes blink-blink-blink along with my eye lids. I do this 99 out of 100 times i try to blog!

GAWR.......

Let me see, what have been bothering me lately....

Anyone came across the devastating accident that occur in North South highway which took away lives of 3 innocent individuals...?
www.nst.com.my/Saturday/National/20080126080752/Article/index_html
One of them is a girl age 21 years old, a first year medical student from UNSW, Down Under who was happily traveling to KL to meet up with the love of her life... While looking forward for a wonderful summer vacation, her life has to be taken away from her just like that...
*double sigh...*
Coincidentally she is Wen Bin's best friend's girl... He went to her funeral... Pay his last respect and what else is left but memories...?
A few of my friends are somehow related to her in one way or the other as well. Khai Meng, Yu wei and Kok thong are friends with her.

Tell me how CAN i not relate to her? Tell me. I dont know her personally, but i feel her lost deeply. Call me emotional or WEIRD. -_____-

I went through her blog page... She sounds like just like one of us... Doing the routine thingy: ranting about class, assignments, lecturers and homesick. Ever so excited to go back to home land and taste all sorts of Malaysian food she had been deprived of. Counting the days to meet her boyfriend she has not met for ages.

I couldn't help but imagine if that happened on me...
There would be so many things left unsaid, undone, underachieved...
What will happen to my family, my lovely bear and my dearest friends...?
I guess life has to go on for them...but how?
*blank*
Anyways, Rest In Peace Nian Ning... =)

Rahool-ed

I got my menstrual today which explains my hormonal imbalance that resulted in my punctured mood the whole afternoon.

I am less pissed now. Bet its my room aroma. It calms me down. Yes it does!

My current display name on msn reads:
"let me be the first to declare dat I DISLIKE RAHUL sampah tong despite the fact dat the whole world adores him!"

To hell with those who are willing to lick his shoes clean. I don't care.
Because to me, he looks like a gorilla. Yeap, that creature with two huge nostrils!!
He probably thinks he's extremely good looking.
*barf*
I don't deny the fact that he is very good in teaching. I personally had praised him. I enjoy-ED his class. I us-ED to like him (NOT ADORE).
But i never once think he is good looking. Maybe he is charming. M...a...y...b...e....

However today, his charm barely impressed and interest me, for the curse of P.E.R.I.O.D (pun intended) in every women that arrives each month with or without warning sign holds a greater role in carving that smile in a woman.

His words were a bunch of jargons.
His demonstrations weren't in any corner of my field of sight as they were obstructed by a pair of flexed knee!
I lost him halfway through.
Imaginations were the only guidance.

He appeared more and more like a gorilla as the seconds' arm of my clock tick-tocked. Started from distortion of his two wide canal in between his two gradually shrunken cheeks. Layers and layers of frowns creases across his forehead. Two flappy ears enlarged even more. Lastly, I swear i saw coarse hairs growing out of his flesh...

I found a picture of moi boy imitating a RAHUL. oops, i mean GORILLA.




:: i caught him red-jacketed before he embarked the swan boat ::

:: swan, sunset, lake and the both of us... (18/01/2008) ::