Her

my heart sank...,

as a familiar voice broke the silence of my grogginess in the afternoon awaken...

however...,
upon seeing her, i felt elated for a few seconds...
she smiled and i reciprocated.

even though it was just a glance of her before she turned away doing her things, i managed to calculate a few things and registered them in my head.

she wears a very tired look. It is as if she is so beaten up with things in her life lately. Or maybe, its is merely a facade of someone with sleepless night after endless torrential arguments...

i miss her, sure i do. But things happen... I do not wish i could turn back the time because it would be futile. It was a blow when i knew i wasn't that person she can rely on anymore...
If it has to be this way, so be it. I can only pray the best for her...

and as we parted, i realize
she doesn't sound too familiar anymorel...

string puppets...

Have you ever felt how does it feel like being a puppet?

or, worse still, when you finally come to a realization that you have been one for the longest time...
while not coming up front to tackle and find an answer to that dull continuous irk. that inability to set free and feels like you are under the control of another person will eventually and slowly eats up your conscience or feed on your soul...

String puppets were very famous. In fact Pinocchio was made based on the concept puppet. Only difference, he walks talks mocks rocks without those string and he has wooden limbs, nose, face, lil' john(LOL) and head with only a tuft of hair covered by his large red hat.

That was literally being a puppet.

But being a puppet on the inside is just horrible.
One loses sense of purpose, loses graceful strike of efficiency and sometimes even feels brainless or heartless.
It is as if one is merely on the stage of puppetry of their own life only to realize things could be done to undo the manipulative scene.

One of the famous writer once quote:
"There are many advantages in puppets. They never argue. They have no crude views about art. They have no private lives."

What about the Pupeeter? Good vs. Bad?
A good master is always bad. Nice master who isn't just a master but a thoughtful friend and hero who saves the day doesn't just end there.
Because sadly, someone who heaves the position of a MASTER has to fulfill the all the criterias.
Hence a master is also someone i shall define as a person is unable to resist of the devil's offer...

There is a story of a girl, a girl living as a puppet inside who once told me how it feels like being one. The emotional war she has to go through occasionally when there is an event to cater for. She worked her way to her master's heart. And she is a very important person. Or at least she was made to believe so. Her master constantly praised her and told her that she is just like his right arm.

So, days, weeks, months and years gone by and she still lived in a deception...
She is now some one who she wasn't. She thought she was contented but she wasn't...
She was bleeding inside. Aching to be someone, waiting for each sunrise to tell her who she is...

Eventually, she left the master. Without any signs of hatred, she sets off before the light of dawn crack the deep purple morning sky.
Looking forward to new hopes awaiting in the next valley she stumbles upon, bearing tears of triumph, she walks away from those she has been living with for almost one decade of her life...

Has she successfully severe the strings that were attached to her mind, heart and soul...?
Let us see whether i meet her again... so she can continue on where she has left...

"Sometimes life seems to pull us along on strings, tugging us this way and that. It can get confusing, leave you feeling out of control. Sometimes its a matter of becoming animated all on your own and yanking the strings down. And then sometimes it is about being made to do a little dance to amuse the children."

diary of missing bf...

my last post dated back to 24th of February '08
a long way back, when i was still living with my bf which i missed the most now, complaining how my life in India would finally come to an end AND enduring all the sleepless night arranging, packing, sealing and biting each others head off while packing. It's a normal thing. That is what couple do to pass time - FIGHT.

Then comes the nice part of making it up, saying sorry, doing the dovey lovey thingy which i should just save it for myself.

He then took an earlier flight home on the 29th of February.Gahh~ I mish every bits of gf-bf war and most importantly I mish HIM!

5 days later, I waved my final goodbye to the land of India. I remember taking Bubble out and was cruising along the Manipal roads one last time on the night before my flight... It was really sorrowful, yes at least to my soul. However, as the plane touches the Malaysian ground and the voice of captain was soothingly projected through the PA system of the plane welcoming me home, the feeling of elation followed short. Not because i would be seeing my grumpy ol' man daddy whom i quarreled on the phone the night in Bangalore airport but to the thought of a beginning of a new chapter of life.

I wasn't expecting to see bf in the airport. Because he previously told me he would not be in town till the end of week. To my utmost surprise and disbelief, he appeared out of nowhere from within the buzzing expectant crowds in the arrival hall. Handing me 3 beautifully bloomed big ass roses. *imaginary kiss kiss to imaginary bf* I actually didn't know how to react. One-because I was anticipating the continuation of verbal war with my dad
Two-i was too shallow with expression on how to face a surprise visit from bf in airport. *blush*

We had another pre-marital honeymoon session for one month. Of all the many crazy things we did, i will never forget how the both of us triggered his house alarm at the wee hour of morning.
>_______<
WHY? It is a story for next time.

It is time to say byebye~ *mariah carey new song sings in the background* Only 2months had passed since the day i saw him being transported down on the escalator that draw a margin of those who are going on planes and those whose job is to tear, wail, hug and slap that all-the-best mark at the back of the person leaving. No, i didn't cry of course. I am a strong woman ok! Actually I did, secretly with him after giving him our kiss that has to last for the next 5months. T_______T

Missing a person is bad enough. Missing everything you do with that person is the worst.
I have been compelled to blog and pour my heart out ever since i started class in Malacca. But only until today i managed to sit down and typed out my messy train of thoughts.
I kept myself busy or tried to be busy to distract me from drowning in the misery at least during the day. At night the situation just heartily got magnified 20x like my fellow friend new SLR camera. So clear it hits me so damn hard in my heart and shatter the protection glow i have been building all day long!!! Thfff~ Waterwork would start-stop-start-stop until my body water level reaches critical insufficient water storage level. Sigh.....

Anyways, it didn't work for the first week, and as second week arrived, i got the hang of it.

Seriously, i am so thankful that we have internet in this era. I CANNOT imagine life without this virtual communication touch. No webcam, no IM, no skype. I wouldn't wanna be writing a letter and then post it through the cooing dove service that fly across seas and against tornado then takes another eons of years to reach the other side of the world. Sumore la we are talking about reaching INDIA. Those people might just grabbed my letter and wipe their buttocks after a business in the loo. Who knows right? *shakes head*

So, we see each other. All the time. He even calls whenever, wherever and that really is super sweet OK! I know he wants to minimize the effect of long distance. And i know indirectly he is telling me he misses me all the time. I am silently glad... So glad my grins are so random sometime it carved my blank face when i think about him.

Recently. Very recent infact, say like the past few days, i have been missing him badly. So bad that created an imaginary JH. WTF~
Time is ticking so fucking slow! URGH! It has only been 2 months. I have 3 friggin months to pull myself through. OH-MY-GOD~~~~~~ How la... how la... I am deprived of a good relationship here! Do something al mighty GOD!

I am tired of blogging already. *yawns*
I need sleep. Zonked~

as i see him marched off, heading to his last battle, i just cant help feeling that agony arising from the bottom of my heart up...
and slowly, a miniature bag of tears were formed threatening to summon more of their own kinds...

i am as totally exhausted as he is. maybe a little lesser.
it wasn't a smooth 3 weeks for both of us.
i have been denying the truth that we are not going to be spending time like how we used to do so for the past 6 months...

loneliness... for a year, i am dreading
back to independence. everything isn't going to be the same anymore...
i am so used to wake him up when i can't find my bike key early in the morning
he wakes up every morning to kiss me goodbye no matter how sleepy headed he feels
coming back home from the tiring postings each day, he would joyfully awaits me with him standing on the doorway when he hears my scooter puffing a distance away
and i am going to miss the way he holds my hand warmly and hug me to sleep every night

i wished things were different. i wish...

i love you my dearest and i will miss you...

tonight, my heart speaks...

I have known this for as long as i was no longer a loner that walks this planet earth...

But I have never felt it as much as i do today...

Because, my entire life evolve around my other half...
my schedule cannot be extended or altered much because i plan everything with him in it...

I am not complaining...
I just regret i do it only one way...

Tonight.., i cannot even think of anyone i can even ring up or invite to dine with me.
Just because i don't have such friends anymore
Just because i made him my only friend, my only soul mate
Just because longer am comfortable with anyone else
Just because i will be awkward with others
Just because everyone else has walked their path...
Just because there isn't such thing call a best/good friend
Just because experience hasn't brought me till today...
I am truly upset but i can only tear inside...

or maybe...
maybe just because i am reluctant to ask
Because i am too egoistic...

I no longer is capable of keeping up with the word "friendship"

i wish i was back home in malaysia...
i can call people close to my heart, if i still have them...
i dont know why but i somehow miss vjay...maybe he can relate to me?
sigh...

...affected...

I have been blog hopping ever since 2 days ago. When i blog hop, i think alot too. It just gets my brain juice flowing...
Somehow, i can relate myself to other people's life through their everyday stories and then figure out things i fail to fathom alone...
Also everytime i finish reading, i get inspiration to blog blog and BLOG!! But, (there is always a but in everything nowadays, right?) sigh... But, whenever i sign into blogspot and arrive at the dashboard, i click the post button routinely and HALT. I find myself staring at the blank screen and the cursor goes blink-blink-blink along with my eye lids. I do this 99 out of 100 times i try to blog!

GAWR.......

Let me see, what have been bothering me lately....

Anyone came across the devastating accident that occur in North South highway which took away lives of 3 innocent individuals...?
www.nst.com.my/Saturday/National/20080126080752/Article/index_html
One of them is a girl age 21 years old, a first year medical student from UNSW, Down Under who was happily traveling to KL to meet up with the love of her life... While looking forward for a wonderful summer vacation, her life has to be taken away from her just like that...
*double sigh...*
Coincidentally she is Wen Bin's best friend's girl... He went to her funeral... Pay his last respect and what else is left but memories...?
A few of my friends are somehow related to her in one way or the other as well. Khai Meng, Yu wei and Kok thong are friends with her.

Tell me how CAN i not relate to her? Tell me. I dont know her personally, but i feel her lost deeply. Call me emotional or WEIRD. -_____-

I went through her blog page... She sounds like just like one of us... Doing the routine thingy: ranting about class, assignments, lecturers and homesick. Ever so excited to go back to home land and taste all sorts of Malaysian food she had been deprived of. Counting the days to meet her boyfriend she has not met for ages.

I couldn't help but imagine if that happened on me...
There would be so many things left unsaid, undone, underachieved...
What will happen to my family, my lovely bear and my dearest friends...?
I guess life has to go on for them...but how?
*blank*
Anyways, Rest In Peace Nian Ning... =)

Rahool-ed

I got my menstrual today which explains my hormonal imbalance that resulted in my punctured mood the whole afternoon.

I am less pissed now. Bet its my room aroma. It calms me down. Yes it does!

My current display name on msn reads:
"let me be the first to declare dat I DISLIKE RAHUL sampah tong despite the fact dat the whole world adores him!"

To hell with those who are willing to lick his shoes clean. I don't care.
Because to me, he looks like a gorilla. Yeap, that creature with two huge nostrils!!
He probably thinks he's extremely good looking.
*barf*
I don't deny the fact that he is very good in teaching. I personally had praised him. I enjoy-ED his class. I us-ED to like him (NOT ADORE).
But i never once think he is good looking. Maybe he is charming. M...a...y...b...e....

However today, his charm barely impressed and interest me, for the curse of P.E.R.I.O.D (pun intended) in every women that arrives each month with or without warning sign holds a greater role in carving that smile in a woman.

His words were a bunch of jargons.
His demonstrations weren't in any corner of my field of sight as they were obstructed by a pair of flexed knee!
I lost him halfway through.
Imaginations were the only guidance.

He appeared more and more like a gorilla as the seconds' arm of my clock tick-tocked. Started from distortion of his two wide canal in between his two gradually shrunken cheeks. Layers and layers of frowns creases across his forehead. Two flappy ears enlarged even more. Lastly, I swear i saw coarse hairs growing out of his flesh...

I found a picture of moi boy imitating a RAHUL. oops, i mean GORILLA.




:: i caught him red-jacketed before he embarked the swan boat ::

:: swan, sunset, lake and the both of us... (18/01/2008) ::

2 years already?!

"Welcome back owner! It has been eons of seconds..."

it is pretty late...
ever since Karkala posting ended, I stopped living healthy (eat and sleep wise)
tonight is another one of those late nights...

as i was flipping through albums searching for an appropriate Malay song i can sing in Lagenda (an event huge enough to come up next to Utsav) , anywayz i stubbled upon a video...

A video that stores endless memories...
A video that is capable to make my tears come rolling
A video only 4 minutes, but enough to transport me back to those moments.
A moment long lost in the labyrinth of new events...

My chest used to swell tight with hope and dream to sing!
Sing other than in the bathroom cubicle. Stand on a bright spot-lit stage. Soar along with cheers and shouts from the audience. But it never came until...
Until one summer in 2005...

I never perform a song before in my entire life be it birthday functions or wedding dinner. Neither have i took part in any singing competitions. But i knew that deep within me, the vocal system was earnest to let loose, to let the whole world know what my vocal cord can achieve.
Yet i do not know what makes me gave my name to sing in such a huge event compared to my standard. I am even amaze now with my confidence then.

Now, comes the part which inflict the emotions in me tonight...
Along with a positive changes within me, the video is also embedded with my first ever love that finally withered, my first ever friendship with a Chinese that bitterly fades off... (yeah yeah, i was an anene, i used to be swarmed by Indians, i talk, i act like them. It was a great time... well, thats another story of one of my glorious years. BTW I AM NOT RACIST DEI! )

The tension tug war of the rope snapped. It gave in to the tautness of two opposite views upon our life, decisions and principles. I guess it was nobody's wish. I still sit back sometimes and reflect upon our friendship. How it used to be, how many silly lil fights we got into, how we crawled outta a war field, how one night at Mc D can set to rays of new beginning (i cant help it but be proud to have such story that can be told to my children next time, cheesy yet real). And how for others, an abrupt turn took place again leading us into adventure that brings our distance further away...

However, we are both settled, happy and probably near contended with how our lives had brought us through the thick mist of uncertainty. I just hope that one day we can sit under a durian tree and shoot dramatic speeches at each other again, then laugh our bare gums off into the horizon. Hehe, I still love you...
Plus she always tell me that she never believe in eternity goodbyes.

"Love is blind"
Oh yeah, I am referring to the girlfriend and boyfriend love. Not the family, friends, pets, gadgets, food kinda love!
Now that I am standing within the radius of love-dovey boundaries, do i still look at the phrase the same way as i used to 2 years back?
I guess not. For i believe strongly and CAN SHOUT CONFIDENTALLY that there is someone meant for us! If he hasn't arrived, WAIT! FUCKING WAIT till he comes and blind you with his shining armor! Be it his armor is used to hide his fugly appearance or to protect him from his pussy-fying attitude. JUST WAIT!

OMIGOSH! It does happen. You don't just love someone without the first impression especially look. Then slowly, attitude, similarities, interests and desires will set in to burn the flickering fire of love ALIVE. And lets be truthful, u cant be so blind to accept someone outta your league ok!? So love ain't blind. WTF WTF WTF!

However much i detested people telling me that the right man will find you when the right time comes, I used to NOT bother about the assurance everyone seems to have with my love life and my prince charming when it is MY love life and prince charming to start with. And i alwayz alwayz alwayz put a deaf ear to the Ya-da ya-da ya-da.
Apparently and miraculously, they are right afterall. Thhfff~

So i would like to thank this particular someone who allowed me to think out of the box achieving another milestone in life. Let's call him ermm... Mushie? He ended the curse that held me from the noun, verb and proverb of relationship. It was short but nevertheless sweet. That is to fall in love and go dating while holding hands.
Nah, i'm not talking about jimmy bear. =P (Bibit dun be jealous k? Ling still sayang u~~~)

In a nutshell, tonight's entry is utterly and purely random. Good night.

Dr. Sexy Tan
(3am)