I kind of miss ID actually... Today is my last day working in the team. Somehow i became rather attached and fond of two of kids there. Being with them for the past two weeks gave me a memorable time in paediatric department. It was an eye opener as well...

Most of the kids there are RVD +ve kids. Fate has it that they have been "bestowed" to grow up wearing a tag that carries a huge taboo with them. It is sad seeing how innocent and their inability to grasp the severity of their illness. They still walk around smiling and being such cutie pies. I blame the parents and only the parents for doing this to them.

Anyways, one of them are left alone as an orphanage after beong born to this world. Nobody could take care of her nor supervise her HAART theraphy and she is only waiting to go...

She seems abit more happy today. Laughing and commenting on some cats and crocs on the tv. I smile inside hearing her chirpy and excited voice :) hehe. Gave her more candies today. Ive been feeding and stuffing these kids in ID with loads of candies and chocolates. (p/s: actually its my trick to coax them into letting me poke them with branulas or to reward them after a peaceful moment of blood taking. Haha. Not! :p)
But on a serious note, Its all these little little gestures and happiness i see in their faces that makes me feel its worth studying 5 years in the sucky sickening medical field. I am glad i can be a part of their life even for a while. :))
I am praying very hard for all of them especially her to be able to fight this battle and at least live to see the world.

Why la i grew fond of them... Aigh...

Honestly if you asked me 2 weeks ago, I cringed at the thought of dealing with them. I was so afraid that i might be accidentally infected due to some occupational hazzard. Plus knowing how clumsy i can get with my stupid psoriatic palms, i really hated the idea of being in Infectious disease team. But hey, now i am a pro in HAART and DOTs regime. :p

And this is another chapter of my life i feel i ought to share and remember. Adios and get well kidos!!!! ^^ till we meet again!

automatism meh?

prony,
have i told you before about automatic smile?
i think i haven't been using that term ever since i shamelessly thought mr. heartbreaker was all up for me and then i stupidly confessed to that bastard! lol.
anyways, that was eons ago... *yawns*
but on another note, i used to have the automatic smile attack so very frequently in high school. >.< yerrrr.

=))))

reason of my entry today is to jot down:
- i am an early bird today. woke up at 930. biological clock is effed.
- as i was typing on whatsapp, i saw him typing too and i thought whatsapp was going cuckoo
- and as i sent my message, his came in (time stamp 9:35)
- voila, coincidental encounter that triggers happiness in me
- automatic smile
- but right away dampened by the twisted sensation in my tummy
- nah it wasn't the faeces because i took a dump earlier -.-!
- i reckon it is more of the obstacles both him & i are figuring out...
- on another side, side note: lovely weather today. lovely morning. lovely downpour. lovely moment to ber-cuddles... i definitely miss you.

signing off,
serenity... =)
(10:27am)

dear, miss mood...

i am having tough times understanding myself...
still trying to figure out why i have been behaving these ways lately?
how am i going to explain when i do not even know the slightest of the reason?
if i dig hard enough through the cracks of my kidneys...
the answer that came jumping at me is that, this is entirely based on feelings
hence the existence of an answer through my kidneys is pretty much ZERO
how the fuck can i find an answer there when only feelings are involved?

i think i am ignoring my kidneys at the moment
there is no right and wrong
no room for discussions
no space to behave like an adult
i fucking want to be a kid badly like RIGHT NOW!
suck on a dick lollipop and not feel shy about it *rolls eyes*
jump on top of the opposite sex and not afraid of what the world might think of me
cry as i like and not be judged
throw tantrums and everyone will be at my feet wtf.wtf.

oh well, fucking grow up already TAN SU-fuckin-LIN
fuckin geddit that you have passed that age.
you have had your time in those years? like duh~

how about this theory?

...it feels so heavy inside
as though i am carrying weights of the entire world upon my shoulder
that i am feeling the pain of all the famine and maltapetaka people
NOT.wtf

*clears throat*
i so am fucking aware about the pettiness of all the matters involved
also the superficial part of it
but yet it perpetuated into some kind of emotional breakdown
every single time without FAIL
never really feel so sad in my entire life for not failing. fwt.
which then placed me in a position easily questioned by many less thoughtful people

now what i am trying to comprehend is why am i heading that direction knowing i'm gonna hit a dead end eventually?
purposeful or following my heart?
meant to be or not meant to be?
testing out the possibilities or stretching the patience margin?
hurt or ego?
thrashed or challenged?
revoked or provoked?

ultimately is it love or hate...?

my heart still skips a beat every time a *beep* came through...
even right now. =)

and before i take out my phone
i secretly wish the text message was from him...
while holding my breath, (ha-ha silly me!)
and excitedly, i peep at the screen to see his name flashing to me eyes on the screen.
then almost immediately and effortlessly i smile on the outside
at the same time feels the glow from within inside!
trust me, the amount of happiness that follow suit along with the sensation of how it spreads through every pores of body - PRICELESS! =)

i thought this phase would have been long gone by now
but to my utmost surprise, i am currently amazed myself...
i like the warm fuzzy feelings he never fail to create unknowingly =)

matters of the heart

sometimes it is too painful
to even think about what has happened and what is going to happen

at times, it feels as though i am in cloud nine
blissful and happier than any woman in this world

today...
i am being surrounded by this queer unfathomable sensation...
after much thought...
i finally found a vocab to describe this feeling of mine...
many call it bittersweet...

a few days ago, i felt numb emotionally...
things were happening one after another
that i could barely catch my breath
i wasn't even running but i know i was being chased...
because before i knew it, i stumbled upon a dead end with no conclusive solutions...

i feel like crying my lungs out
but only a squeak escaped...

maybe i have been bottling up a lot of things subconsciously
perhaps that pouch of emotions can no longer withstand the pressure...
i have no idea...

however, one thing i know for sure...
i am messed up...
and i am falling in love.
only deeper than i have thought...

ripples of thoughts...
@1156
serenity...