oxymoron feelings...

sometimes you just got to allow weakness to consume you wholly in order to locate strength...


maybe that is why we all cry our heart and lungs out once in awhile...
i just went through a whole good one hour exercise of catching my breaths
a few episodes of weepings followed by a long but intermittent, apprehensive and jerky inhalation - rhythm...


*double sighs...* 
however, it does feel very good to let many things out of my system


because i realise that i am capable of subconsciously accumulating my sadness and guilt,
which tend to clog up my entire sanity channel
then almost naturally, i subdue to pretence happiness and laughters


now, what scares me most is when i myself do not even notice my sudden change of bubbly behaviour
until it is too late...
for that is when i start breaking down and tearing for what feels like eternity...


*triple sighs...*
ohhh well, i suppose that is part and parcel of life


*pause...*
ultimately i'm glad that i manage to find zen within myself after letting those incomprehensible feelings out through my tears...
i only have to remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, no? =)


i, sulin am turning 25 years old this year,
but i still feel like a child 
so unsure,
so fickle minded,
and so fragile i could break at any given time...


living this life, i am tiptoeing on what feels like a ground full of land mines
and any moment of wrong steps i will be blown into smithereens
the end...


*quadruplet sighs...........*


only love,
sue... 0230

susu's quote of the day =)

Serena: I don't mean to take you for granted. It's just, if we're being completely honest...

Dan: We are.

Serena: I think that maybe sometimes I test you. You know, I keep thinking that if things get too hard you'll give up on me. But you never do.

Dan: And I never will. If you really need me, ever, I am there. But i think there's a reason you didn't insist i come with you over the break..

Serena: and the same reason why u didn't make me stay...

(gossip girl s04e12) 

Sometimes..., 
we all choose to pass the baton and move onto someone else.
We tip-toed out of our comfort zone knowing very well what predicaments are in store for us.  
For...,insecurities, doubts and heartaches are the elements that make our existence feels tangible and substantial...
Also constantly reminding us that we are still on par with this game called... LIFE. 

we may surprise ourselves as we face the future,

or be surprise when cleaning up the past...

num19...

a month has passed...

light has been shed upon my path ahead...
at the same time,
darkness surrounds me form within...

it is also 2 shorts of 4...

in loving memories...,
suebit

5:32am
19/01/11

no one understands...

Not so long ago, i blogged about how no one but only life can gives us a second chance...
It still holds true to me...
And i OWE no fucking one an explanation of what i do...


After what happened 2 days ago...
The more i realise i am alone in this voyage called life...
Not even my closest soul mate understood what went wrong...
For when i was crying in fear and in pain...
She took me for granted thinking it was only about the after effect of alcohol...
But what pained me deeper was the fact that she was only looking for a solution to fix things...
No one was listening to my cry of despair...
I felt so lonely... 
So lonely that i could really go mad...
Yes i was shouting but i wasn't over reacting... 
All i needed then was a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ear to listen to my predicaments i will be facing the next few days...
I was really scared... 


True enough, it is happening...
I am being isolated by my own blood...
In the name sake of concern?!


What about my feelings? 
No one ever bothered checking into that part of me...


All i am feeling at the moment is the older i grow, the lonelier i get...
And that, i realise is my ultimate fear...


I am indeed exhausted emotionally...
Very tired of pleasing everyone in my life... 
Tired of living up to expectations...
Tired of upholding my believes...
Tired of fighting what i thought worth fighting for...


So, I am going to let go of that grip right now...
Because i definitely feel lighter...
Because of the end of the day, i live for no one but myself...
People who so happened walk into my life will one day leave my ship...
People who so happened to be someone i called family can only be concerned...


Maybe i am given a chance to understand daddy...
I stumbled upon answers i was never seeking for...
Because i am currently taking a stroll in the darker side of life...
The path my dad used to walk...
I get to walk it now...
And i see the reasons why he walked it once...


In short, i walk this life alone...
No one understands it better than myself...
It is true that no one understands... NO ONE!
Hence from today onwards, i vouch not to explain anymore to anyone who will never get it...
Enough is enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

How does it feels like being accused?
Oh let's see!
It feels like crap!

It feels like i have being blacklisted. I am going to be stuck with that label forever.
What more? Especially when that is coming from people i care about..
I was literally flabbergasted...
I couldn't even defend myself...
I feel so weak...
I feel like some stupid useless girl.
All because of what i have done in the past?
I don't deserve a new life?
NO?

And all because he was so sure of what he feels!?
Wooooowoooooo. Slow down dude.
You are in my life for a couple of weeks and you act as though you have known me for freaking 20years.
Period.

unanswered questions...

I accidentally allowed emotions triumph over my tower of defence...

Defence lost 0-1 to emotions... 

pffft...

Perhaps...

trickling tears is the best remedy for the painful ignorance i have succumbed to...

It pains me... 

when i reminisce 

every single time...

where have those moments disappeared?

why life has to be so challenging?

why cant i be satisfied with what i have?

why do i have to do this to him, myself and us? 

I am still waiting for that very one day to arrive and slap me real hard on the face

Will i be too vulnerable then?

Or have i bought enough time then to be able to withstand the impact?