Significance...
You know... I know... we know... nothing stays stagnant....
I have changed...The way Ispeak, I think, I behave...
But to the better or worse... could i tell not...
Experiences have brought me to where I am standing today...
Most of the time, I am filled with the "WHYs"... Most of the time I am confined in the sorrowful incomprehensible human theories - rules of life and the social circle in my vicinity. At the same time, digesting a few facts about myself (obviously those arent compliments). Talk about being in denial... thuffff...
Realisation of my changes:
1. Harry Potter, Da Vinci Code, Shopaholic Series hit the bookstore in Malaysia like whirlwind before i made my way here. The hype of ardent readers and fiction frenzee strongly resembles life in India of a medic student. But here we call them freaky-fucking-nutto-nerds!
Only difference is we are mad over academics-based books and they are freaking expensive. Spending my rupees in the one and only acredited bookstore with appropriate books (sadly but truly... time spent with books are way beyond the amount of time I was able to walk in shopping malls those days) For some strange reason, I have started reading Anatomy like a storybook for the past 2 weeks. I almost ran out of idea in finding ways to hang on to gross anatomy and sometimes embryology. Seriously, i aint feeling proud but i am thankful that my major worries are settled. Full appreciation to all the nerds for trasforming me.
2. Stuttering when speaking. Nervous? Fidgetty? Undeniably, I have been having difficulties with my command of English since 7 years back. Its not improving currently while deteriorating at the same time... Well, I might be able to write but when it comes to speaking, somehow my throat turns dry, tongue twisting (probably, it is an indication for me to practise tongue-twister everyday), brain spinning faster then "gasing" followed by a whole stretch of grammatical error sentences projected out of my voice box... Aiseh...
3. Being a more reserved person... Dwelling within the war of heart and brain. Screening the possibilities of success or failure if I were to feel or stick to realistic of thoughts... *double sigh..*
4. -Thinking... Pondering... Reflecting... Reflectioning- Establishing and compiling the 1986-2005 mental yearbook of Me, Myself and Mylife. Adding definitions of life and terms subjected to sulin's emos events. Oh yeah, not forgetting analyzing and comparing the significance of similarities of the yesteryears and the future. *smiling stupidly at my own reflection...*
5. Excessively and extensively thinking about grandma... The last sentence she managed to say that night to me before lying helplessly on the white mattress 2 days after, accompanied by everyone's tears and alienated looking machine... and finally her departure... has been ringing in my ears very frequently...
2. Stuttering when speaking. Nervous? Fidgetty? Undeniably, I have been having difficulties with my command of English since 7 years back. Its not improving currently while deteriorating at the same time... Well, I might be able to write but when it comes to speaking, somehow my throat turns dry, tongue twisting (probably, it is an indication for me to practise tongue-twister everyday), brain spinning faster then "gasing" followed by a whole stretch of grammatical error sentences projected out of my voice box... Aiseh...
3. Being a more reserved person... Dwelling within the war of heart and brain. Screening the possibilities of success or failure if I were to feel or stick to realistic of thoughts... *double sigh..*
4. -Thinking... Pondering... Reflecting... Reflectioning- Establishing and compiling the 1986-2005 mental yearbook of Me, Myself and Mylife. Adding definitions of life and terms subjected to sulin's emos events. Oh yeah, not forgetting analyzing and comparing the significance of similarities of the yesteryears and the future. *smiling stupidly at my own reflection...*
5. Excessively and extensively thinking about grandma... The last sentence she managed to say that night to me before lying helplessly on the white mattress 2 days after, accompanied by everyone's tears and alienated looking machine... and finally her departure... has been ringing in my ears very frequently...
" I will not be able to see u grow as a doctor... I will not be able to let u experiment on me... do study hard..." it was so harmless... the usual way she loved joking about death....
Little did i know... that was the last time she could speak to me... The deep gaze she gave me is imprinted and embedded in a memory i shall never forget... A gift from her I will bring to my grave...
Watching her lying motionlessly with tears streaming down was too much for me to observe...and everytime the number on the blood pressure machine fluctuated, my hearbeat stopped a few seconds.... I am sure she knew then that she has to go when she came to me (her one and only notorius and rebellious granddaughter)... giving me the silent stealth signal.... I wish I had treated her nicer and was a better granddaughter when she was alive... Now that she is gone... no one is going to defend me when daddy points his ten fingers at me... no one is gonna tease me like how she used to......
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I am special... I have experienced death of somone dear to my heart....
I love u mama..., and I really really miss u.... *stone*
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..... I have made an unwritten promise.... and I am determine to make it happen! I am going to make u proud, mama....
Fusion of brand new and rusty old meaning of life... I have changed. The world stays... I want to tell myself that I have moved forward... Afterall it is words consolation...
.....
........
..........
I am special... I have experienced death of somone dear to my heart....
I love u mama..., and I really really miss u.... *stone*
..........
........
..... I have made an unwritten promise.... and I am determine to make it happen! I am going to make u proud, mama....
Fusion of brand new and rusty old meaning of life... I have changed. The world stays... I want to tell myself that I have moved forward... Afterall it is words consolation...
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