i hear myself thinking loudly...

almost everyone i know on this surface of planet earth is excited about new year...
but why am i not feeling the hype?
have i grown out of it?

perhaps too many things took place...
they kind of shaken me up a bit inside out...
being at a war with anyone isn't my strength
let alone if that somebody is closely related to me
it sucks to be a bitch

however life have molded me to be a hardy when it has to narrow down to 2 options:
1. to triumph over the situation with pride and let conscience eats me

OR

2. to raise the white flag, stink like a loser, and then let the regrets eat me up as well

i think i went for #1

anyhow, it is 31st of december of 2009
i am beginning to wonder if have i grown wiser? or if i have became shallower?

i did things i have never got around doing...
i did things i never imagined myself doing...
and
i did things that i partially think are childish and at the same time very crucial to execute...

*triple sighs...*

guess i am going to walk across this very first day of new year without any resolution in mind.
let the nature takes its course. *nods*

Only love <3
dr.sexy tan (2:47am)

someone made a remark to me yesterday night,
"being contented and being happy are both two different things..."

it kept me thinking for awhile...
not because what he said hits the jackpot
but what he said has some truth i should ponder upon...

well, he is definitely not the first person to comment about my relationship with jh...
infact, i would say i have been bombarded with quizzical expressions, indirect analytical questionaire and sometimes awkward statements previously....

ON why and how we are together...
it has been what 2years and counting???
but people do not know how to give me a break?

FINE we are two very different people. fulstop. period.

like i am tall for a girl, hes short for a guy
i am outgoing, he is homely
i am extrovert he is introvert
i am a very last minute person, he is punctual
i love clubbing, he loves aquariums
i listen to trance, he listens to reggae
i can talk to anyone, he rather listens one person
i love drinking alcohol. he hates alcohol

LIKE WHAT THE HELL???
we are definitely not the match made in heaven!

but what do others know about feelings?
i bet not many do...

and what i know about us is,
we love the beaches and the sea
we want to scuba dive
we want to go to hawaii and maldives
we love sweating out sipping tomyam
we love wrestling on the bed
we love sitting on each other's laptop and click on fb games i think no other freaking couples would do -_________-!
we cook and wash dishes together

and

we love each other's companion
after a tiring day after classes
during a standstill night with no great plans

how many people in this world has heard him LOL with actually can tickles your own bone?
i have and it was priceless.

everyday with him is like an adventure.
surprises is at every corner.
and they come when i least expect them.
these are moments money/effort cant buy...

so should i ask that someone back if he has felt happiness if he is not contented?
or if he never felt happy when hes only contended?

i do not understand how someone can draw a line between contentment and happiness...
anyone can explain that?

i do of course know the difference between happiness and sadness...

because i am sad when he is not around
and
because i will be sad if he dies earlier than me!


Only love <3
November 11th 4:39am

me & you

eventhough it was not more than 1minute before we said goodbye,
i am already missing you...

this is just another holiday for the both of us
back into the lives of when we were both still singles
doing stuff just like what we used to do alone

but these times, they are just not the same
because
it does not feel the same doing things when you are not around...

it is not as if we have never parted before
but, yes... i am already missing you...

it is because
every time you walk away,
you take along that flourish presence that fills my heart with joy and laughter
as if you have taken away a part of myself...
which is you...

every time you walk away
and i made my away opposite yours,
my heart goes all wrenching with aches
and tears starts stinging my eyes
i blink
and they make their way down trickling over my cheeks

for that
i know i truly love you...

we fight so much (claims you)
but i swear
i cherish every single moments being with you
be it laughters or angers
i do not care
because i know when you are not standing right in front of my eyes anymore
i will start searching for you...

the same person whom i fight with
the very same person i throw mean words upon
will immediately become the person i want to be next with!

the essence of life?
what say you?
which reflects the ultimate meaning of living
nothing touch our core better than feelings...
and only feelings can etch something we call as memories...

so my dear silly boy
i hope you do not take fights and arguments as a negative turns
for i can tell you those things are the ones that bind us even close together!

AND I MISS YOU! =(

Only love <3
Lingdear
9:16am
17th Oct 2009

music as time machine

tonight, i listened to songs that brought me down memory lane...
songs which are etched within me
being apart of my past

as the songs moves one by one down the playlist,
all i hear is the sound of the yesteryears...

it is as if you are transferred back to past
a music as powerful as time machine

as i snapped myself out of the transfixed state,
images of people who walk into and out of my life flips so fast into the darkness
back into the memory storage

alot of things change
if only we can stay stagnant and see from that perception,
then everyone will learn how to appreciate MOMENTS more than MEMORIES

they call it nostalgic
i agree =)
these are food for souls

Only love <3
susu
2:04am

Knock Me Down...

Sometimes love comes around...
and it knocks you down...
Just get back up
When it knocks you down...

we have grown apart
for the longest time in my longest relationship...
we have been distant yet we are so near physically
(yes, it hurts but in a way that i never realized..
while it gnaws me subc0nciously..., i was actually fixing the wrong thing...)

a lesson i had to learn
through a painful way but nevertheless memorable and unforgettable
that feelings are everything in maintaining a great relationship..

we are different,
in so many ways yet so little ways
and when two very different individuals' paths come to a cross road
it is very perplexing how they decided, managed and traveled the same journey together
or how they entwined hands, walked that same parallel path and stayed next to each other no matter what happened
=)

this is when i learnt what love is...
a powerful word yet misused commonly
for love is not just doing everything together, thinking of each other, merely holding each other hands or making hot sizzling love...

but it involves that ultimate level of intimacy...
(no, i am NOT talking about bedtime activities)
also accepting each other differences in ways that no one can ever comprehend
and longing for each other in that implicit and unexpressed fashion

that when you look into each other's eyes
you see for yourself that love lies within the stare
and is written all over in the other person's eyes

when love is conveyed in an unspoken manner
you know that you have both reached that dream destination

today i had a wake up call
from the recession i have been drowning in

i am glad because now i know...
sometimes love comes around,
it knocked us down
as we fell in the pit of love
then we soared together back to the surface

but then it knocked me down again as time passes by
this time i went down alone
and i lost myself and him...

luckily,
i got back up,
as he held his hand to me and pulled me up
closer to him
i brushed my knees and bums
clasped my hand into his
and we continue walking

You wont see it coming when it happens
but when it happens you are gonna feel it,
let me tell you now
you see it when love knocks you down...



i truly love you baby
and i will never let you go...
thanks for taking my breathe away
and taking me through a roller coaster ride of my life!!!

with this, i dedicate this song to you and me!



With love <3
5:16am
Dr.SexyTan
(will edit some typos and grammars tommorow.. *yawns*)

life recession?

I have been feeling emotionally disorientated lately
Not a good feeling, i must say...
It has been stalking me wherever i go
Even into my sleep sometimes..

Frankly, I do not know what i have become or,
what i have to expect and least expect in life
It cannot get anymore complicated
As i battle with my own thoughts
Only the unhappy thoughts triumphed

I feel distant again with everyone
including him
is this some kind of a life recession period?
that i get every now and then?

Probably i just need some time alone
maybe a personal space with just me and myself...

It is not easy
But I know he will make it easier for me
as he always does...


Only love <3

a Recap

my 7th semester ended quite fashionably...
*pose for the camera* PERIOD!

right! of course i wasn't referring to that kind of fashion.
a lot has happened. at least, in my scope of brain capacity.

Community medicine posting lasted for 2 months.
everyone knows it the bestest posting of the entire medicine course.
why? here are the reasons:

1. we just sat in the AC lecture hall freezing ourselves to ice cubes. also freezed our brains, the cells and the transmissions making all of us vulnerable to sleep.

2. classes timing switched place with eat.mousehunt.sleep.fishwrangle.shit.ghosttrapper.

3. we said goodbye to the white coat cum yellow coat. no odour, no sweat.

4. made a pac with myself to indulge in some beneficial activities like reading fictions and watch as many movies and series as my eye sight could handle.
but in the end, i only managed 2 seasons of Gossip Girl (anyone who hasn't watched, please do so because it is the sin of century if you haven't)
I became a fanatic of GG.

XOXO

Then, came the sessionals for surgery and com.med. YAY!
Allocated very few hours of studying because i was very much busy catching up in Mouse hunting, reading forums, harped on the cheapest SuperBries cheeses i could get my hand onto! *double YAY*

result of MH: i overtook JoonKeat! and im in the newest area with my newest trap!

result for com.med: 70%. not bad for my effort! =))

surgery is going to be a bit tough to predict. i leave it to the magical and tedious hands of VENA KARANTH!

28th of February, denotes the day of freedom for batch 17.
it is as though we were all released from the "kandang"
and we were running wild!

Alicia held a great birthday party in A Famosa.
was late to the party as usual.
beers, whiskies, vodkas and the birhtdaycake-i-dont-remember-how-it-tastes-like were the 'alas perut' for the day's dinner.

guess what? party ended by 2am. hrrmmm... a tad too early for the international standard of party.

where was i? right. i locked myself in a room only to wake up 1020am the next morning.
how? sashi knocked the door of the room i was sleeping in for the say.... 9183748626278287374653 times

first thought?
HOLYSHITOMFGCHIALATLONGPIAK! its 1020!!! bibit landed at 7am!

second thought?
how do i look? *peak into the mirror and FREAKED*
to my horror my hair was as if they were gel-ed up and standing in all directions!
exactly the picture kailash used to display in his blog once upon a time. this:


p/s: i think i puked on myself or my hair. but i don't remember shit about puking. *glad for that because puking sensation sucks*

third thought?
how now? T______T
i couldnt keep track on how many things that ran through my mind.
but i was freaking and inadvertently directing sashi for towels and alicia for something else.
sorry =(
i showered (mandi kerbau they call it) and sashi passed me a bed sheet to wipe myself dry. Ewwww~

called bibit and i broke down. i did it again. stupidity of drinking.

enghan was an angel and am very grateful that he entrusted me to his nissan super car when i was in that still-tipsy condition.

result: i flew to KLIA, at 200-220km/h.
3 things dominating my thoughts, awareness and visions throughout the fast track on the highway.

1. i am driving enghan's car. he will be murdered psychologically by his parents if anything happened to me and the car

2. i have disappointed bit by getting wasted and abandoned him in the airport for 4 frigging hours! (any human who can tolerate me is seriously superb. that's why i love him unconditionally. for he loves me that much as well.... sigh.... *smack own head triple times*)

-______-!!!

so, if anything happened to me and the car, he will murder me second time, if i was dead by the time he sees me. if not, he would murder me psychologically too.

3. i am halfway a doctor. The liability is too absurd for my death. i carry within me, knowledge and practice at the price of RM200k. so dad will murder me second time as well.

Reached the airport arrival hall in one piece, parked the car aside, rushed out, hugged bibit to bits... and pulled back after a few seconds as i was aware that i stinked. O.o

He wasn't angry, neither did he say a word about me abandoning him. Instead, he asked how was i feeling... I was fine physically, but i knew the guilt that has already haunt me and eaten me up. I knew how disappointed he was... I am sorry, and i know sorry isn't enough to make up for my mistake this time.

so there, the fashionable sulin, who arrives fashionably late at every functions. This time ends her royal affairs being so unprofessional and a disappointment.....
way to go~ *smacks own head the 4th time*


Only love <3
SxydeviL 12:17am