Sometimes I really wonder, am I ever matured enough to make such decisions... It is this kind of hour of the day that started me thinking and wondering a lot...

I've got so many things swimming in my thoughts, my head contains such immense theory about life, about perspectives, about you and me... And I fail to reproduce those in beautiful, precise words to accentuate the effect... Im envious of author, of people to can write so beautifully... of people who can speak to express themselves... People who can lay them out in layers and layers of paragraphs, sentences just like how an architect manages with the blue print of a magnificent building.

I am not exactly incompetent, just a little bit inexpressive...

Did I make the right choice... Whenever I have a minute or two for him to visit me, I feel guilty a little bit more. Guilty to face my future in a few years time. Guilty that I do not meet the expectations of myself in 5 years time. Guilty that I have let go of one big catch back into the ocean. I know I didn't kill him, but I know I have injured him... Deep enough to make him endure in the pool of salt water... A cut which doesn't heal from the time elapse but only to be buried by new events from time to time...

When I finally found someone, infact two of them, both who love me more then I can ever love 'him' but I choose to let 'him' go... And resort back to taking risk. To fall out of love with him and rearrange an opportunity for someone else. A stranger that I have no confident in. A man who doesn't even know me... A guy who does nothing but gives me false hope... For I strangely believe that the 'him' is not the right person yet and the new he might be the right one...

The folks, each and every one of them especially both my mummies tells me not to worry. That special someone, the right man will eventually come along. Just have faith. But faith in who? Myself? I hardly can trust myself nowadays... I'm afraid to wait anymore. Also I'm afraid to find that person. Because I will never know what lies beyond those veil of doubts.

Yet I hope. I wait. I can wait. I have realized that I can sacrifice anything if I want to. I know I am waiting already. He doesn't have to tell me. Either I'm waiting for the arrival of becoming his or I am waiting for the day he breaks my heart into dust...The principle is so simple. To take a risk and to be different and outstand my previous shadow or to take a risk and fall even harder...

I watch the sky painted across with sprinkles of stars, but they are all looking at me only from so far... She couldn't catch them to feel them but she can casually point any spot in the black space and hit a few of them.
True enough, things when seen are more beautiful. Things far are very precious. And those are what we crave for... to want to own. But, they are always far from within our reach. We only can dream. And make another story out of those dreams….

i still need someone who can write...
to write about the beautiful dreams...