SeReNiTy~

Balance?

2011-12-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

Who says you need to travel across globe to find inspiration?
Who says you need to physically experience the breath of another breeze, literally hearing the cackles of another cultures and walk the earth of another country to locate yourself and find the definition of life?

I just felt that swell of excitement and the glow of happiness from within just by being home. Sitting or rather couch potato-ing in front of my new found love => Toshiba flat screen TV which serves the purpose of a mini cinema for movies i've missed. Finding out about the USB port built into it is probably the brilliant most thing ever invented.

2 hours and 15minutes, sitting right there in my hall, sipping my favourite earl grey tea fixed in one of my mum's cup collection i rummaged from her precisely arranged "cup" shelves... Haha. With a lot of in between toilet visits which was a few hops away.

Eat, Pray, Love.
I know, i know, i am slow... Like superbly slow to finally watch it.

But today seems like the right weather and the rightest moment to go through this movie.
Why?

Because it taught me quite a bit about life... Because it made me reflect a lot about what has happened to me and my so called poorly extricated decisions i made in the past. And as usual, dreamers like me LOVE relating characters from movies/series/story books to my narcissistic self. =)
And the best part is, it makes me want to blog today!

Came across a few wisdom words in the movies.
I am a sucker for quotes. T.T

Anyways, this movie is about an achiever woman who has everything is life except coming into terms with herself. Balance as she calls it. So setting of to 3 different parts of the continents, she finally located that missing pieces within her but only to realise she might be losing it again to this scary intangible invisible feeling called love. Oh well, i guess everyone must have gone through this phase of life. Me included.

I always thought something was obviously very wrong with me... How can you just let go so much just for something you found just a few months ago and also for a future you are not certain of?

Here are the answers:

"Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living balance in life..."

"Everybody needs affection, it makes you do funny things. Especially at the beginning of any love affair, you want too much of happiness and pleasure until you fall sick, and everybody lose themselves..."

It is indeed scary and fearful but you know you have never felt this good before being with another person. And you do not need complex bombastic words to describe these feelings. Only that ONE automatic smile to know the IT feeling.

And for that i dedicate this entree for you sweetheart.
Everything can be falling apart but as long as the bond that hold both you and me together does not break, i am sure this is just another passing phase. *denial mode onz* hehe.

Only Love,
Serenity...

2011-12-15T12:05:00.001+08:00

growing up isn't a just mere statement you type on fb for the world to see...
Today it hits me so hard that it is the unexplainable, unpredictable and unimaginable horror gut feeling that makes your heart aches and mind goes light headed...
Only to realise you have done the undoable things and wished you have tapped on a different button of options in that few particular moments of life...

2011-12-04T07:56:00.001+08:00

I might be in denial...
What if everyone is right?
I am only going against all odds believing someone who doesn't believe in me...
It pains me to accept not just being away on crucial dates and celebrations of the year, but now it pains me more to know the truth... But i'd always opt for the truth. It makes me stronger.

I get a pang of jealousy looking at how successful everyone is doing...
All i wanted was someone to love me back like how i love that person...
Is that such a difficult request to be fulfilled?
I guess it is...
And it very much still involves karma...
Only difference, it was directed at me without filter.

And no, i don't ever want to be with someone who thinks there is someone better out there.
Because i have been there and done that. I put someone through that ache i can never ever forgive myself.
Well, i will be the better person, and not allow the other person to walk through that sinful path and also not to allow myself to go through such aches.
Afterall i am the weaker one, because right now, i love more...

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

NOTED.

From Wifey...

2011-08-24T00:46:00.002+08:00

What-if person

by Mel Kuan on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 7:55pm

"Everybody has a what-if person. It's the boy you turned down when you're nineteen, thinking you could do better than a used Ford car and an Art Diploma. It's the married blonde colleague who sits in the next cubicle and with whom you push the job deadline with. It's the one person who haunts you with thoughts and ideas of how your life could otherwise be. What if.

Surprisingly our brains are wired to think that what-if is a safe and happy zone where rainbows sprout and unicorns fly. It's the unattainable greener side of the fence. And perhaps because it can only exist in the subconscious which makes it all the more desirable, especially at moments when reality is riding hard on you.

The what-if person is mysterious and magical. He/she has the power to evoke such emotions in you that make you want to create a time machine to time travel back to that precise moment which could have turned your whole life around. Maybe it's that minute eons ago when you were fidgeting nervously in the car, deciding on the perfect time to lean in for a kiss, yet when you mustered enough courage, he/she has closed the door on you. Or maybe it's the time when your eyes met and you knew it's the perfect moment to utter the words you've been dying to spill forth but you held back because of pride. These are the people that become your what-if person. What if you had seized the moment and seized that person?

I used to have a what-if person that tortured my soul and gave me no peace of mind. I dwelled in that what-if world so long, wandering alone through upheavals of emotions that knew no boundaries.Perhaps it's a real lack of courage on my part to fight for it but now I believe it's just not to be. The what-if world shouldn't materialise. I'm glad mine didn't.

The only source fueling the existence of that tangible what-if person is discontentment in your day-to-day life. It's really not the what-if person who's tormenting you, it's the person whom you accomodate at your dinner table reluctantly every night and the person whose texts you felt cumbersome to even reply. That is the being who make your what-if person into a delicious fantasy.

Defining Love is beyond me. However I think when your what-if person has completely retreated from your head and you're glad holding a particular someone's hand at this moment on your side of the fence, you couldn't be that far from the shores of love.

For us, without our what-if persons.

Happy birthday wifey!"

2011-04-17T21:09:00.004+08:00

I kind of miss ID actually... Today is my last day working in the team. Somehow i became rather attached and fond of two of kids there. Being with them for the past two weeks gave me a memorable time in paediatric department. It was an eye opener as well...

Most of the kids there are RVD +ve kids. Fate has it that they have been "bestowed" to grow up wearing a tag that carries a huge taboo with them. It is sad seeing how innocent and their inability to grasp the severity of their illness. They still walk around smiling and being such cutie pies. I blame the parents and only the parents for doing this to them.

Anyways, one of them are left alone as an orphanage after beong born to this world. Nobody could take care of her nor supervise her HAART theraphy and she is only waiting to go...

She seems abit more happy today. Laughing and commenting on some cats and crocs on the tv. I smile inside hearing her chirpy and excited voice :) hehe. Gave her more candies today. Ive been feeding and stuffing these kids in ID with loads of candies and chocolates. (p/s: actually its my trick to coax them into letting me poke them with branulas or to reward them after a peaceful moment of blood taking. Haha. Not! :p)
But on a serious note, Its all these little little gestures and happiness i see in their faces that makes me feel its worth studying 5 years in the sucky sickening medical field. I am glad i can be a part of their life even for a while. :))
I am praying very hard for all of them especially her to be able to fight this battle and at least live to see the world.

Why la i grew fond of them... Aigh...

Honestly if you asked me 2 weeks ago, I cringed at the thought of dealing with them. I was so afraid that i might be accidentally infected due to some occupational hazzard. Plus knowing how clumsy i can get with my stupid psoriatic palms, i really hated the idea of being in Infectious disease team. But hey, now i am a pro in HAART and DOTs regime. :p

And this is another chapter of my life i feel i ought to share and remember. Adios and get well kidos!!!! ^^ till we meet again!

automatism meh?

2011-04-16T10:28:00.001+08:00

prony,
have i told you before about automatic smile?
i think i haven't been using that term ever since i shamelessly thought mr. heartbreaker was all up for me and then i stupidly confessed to that bastard! lol.
anyways, that was eons ago... *yawns*
but on another note, i used to have the automatic smile attack so very frequently in high school. >.< yerrrr.

=))))

reason of my entry today is to jot down:
- i am an early bird today. woke up at 930. biological clock is effed.
- as i was typing on whatsapp, i saw him typing too and i thought whatsapp was going cuckoo
- and as i sent my message, his came in (time stamp 9:35)
- voila, coincidental encounter that triggers happiness in me
- automatic smile
- but right away dampened by the twisted sensation in my tummy
- nah it wasn't the faeces because i took a dump earlier -.-!
- i reckon it is more of the obstacles both him & i are figuring out...
- on another side, side note: lovely weather today. lovely morning. lovely downpour. lovely moment to ber-cuddles... i definitely miss you.

signing off,
serenity... =)
(10:27am)

dear, miss mood...

2011-04-07T21:07:00.002+08:00

i am having tough times understanding myself...
still trying to figure out why i have been behaving these ways lately?
how am i going to explain when i do not even know the slightest of the reason?
if i dig hard enough through the cracks of my kidneys...
the answer that came jumping at me is that, this is entirely based on feelings
hence the existence of an answer through my kidneys is pretty much ZERO
how the fuck can i find an answer there when only feelings are involved?

i think i am ignoring my kidneys at the moment
there is no right and wrong
no room for discussions
no space to behave like an adult
i fucking want to be a kid badly like RIGHT NOW!
suck on a ~~dick~~ lollipop and not feel shy about it *rolls eyes*
jump on top of the opposite sex and not afraid of what the world might think of me
cry as i like and not be judged
throw tantrums and everyone will be at my feet wtf.wtf.

oh well, fucking grow up already TAN SU-fuckin-LIN
fuckin geddit that you have passed that age.
you have had your time in those years? like duh~

how about this theory?

...it feels so heavy inside
as though i am carrying weights of the entire world upon my shoulder
that i am feeling the pain of all the famine and maltapetaka people
NOT.wtf

*clears throat*
i so am fucking aware about the pettiness of all the matters involved
also the superficial part of it
but yet it perpetuated into some kind of emotional breakdown
every single time without FAIL
never really feel so sad in my entire life for not failing. fwt.
which then placed me in a position easily questioned by many less thoughtful people

now what i am trying to comprehend is why am i heading that direction knowing i'm gonna hit a dead end eventually?
purposeful or following my heart?
meant to be or not meant to be?
testing out the possibilities or stretching the patience margin?
hurt or ego?
thrashed or challenged?
revoked or provoked?

ultimately is it love or hate...?

2011-04-03T12:15:00.002+08:00

my heart still skips a beat every time a *beep* came through...
even right now. =)

and before i take out my phone
i secretly wish the text message was from him...
while holding my breath, (ha-ha silly me!)
and excitedly, i peep at the screen to see his name flashing to me eyes on the screen.
then almost immediately and effortlessly i smile on the outside
at the same time feels the glow from within inside!
trust me, the amount of happiness that follow suit along with the sensation of how it spreads through every pores of body - PRICELESS! =)

i thought this phase would have been long gone by now
but to my utmost surprise, i am currently amazed myself...
i like the warm fuzzy feelings he never fail to create unknowingly =)

matters of the heart

2011-04-03T11:56:00.001+08:00

sometimes it is too painful
to even think about what has happened and what is going to happen

at times, it feels as though i am in cloud nine
blissful and happier than any woman in this world

today...
i am being surrounded by this queer unfathomable sensation...
after much thought...
i finally found a vocab to describe this feeling of mine...
many call it bittersweet...

a few days ago, i felt numb emotionally...
things were happening one after another
that i could barely catch my breath
i wasn't even running but i know i was being chased...
because before i knew it, i stumbled upon a dead end with no conclusive solutions...

i feel like crying my lungs out
but only a squeak escaped...

maybe i have been bottling up a lot of things subconsciously
perhaps that pouch of emotions can no longer withstand the pressure...
i have no idea...

however, one thing i know for sure...
i am messed up...
and i am falling in love.
only deeper than i have thought...

ripples of thoughts...
@1156
serenity...

2011-02-17T08:19:00.000+08:00

watashiwa slept of feeling all sorts of unsatisfactory vibes ie:
-violated
- being used
- dumb
- silly
- short fused
- taken for granted

but watashiwa woke up feeling those were so unreal and not parallel to my expectations.
wonders how much moodiness can alter one's perceptions towards a certain issue.
also wonders if that is the closest most genuine heartfelt shit that is going through in me. But just because i have always been able to put up with emotional attacks, i tend to overlook how they have maimed me. Only to realise those wounds when i let my guard down...

Life sucks in my humble opinion. FARK YOU!

familiar echoes...

2011-02-14T11:21:00.007+08:00

Hank: I know tonight kinda got a little ruined

Becca: It's okay, i'm used to it

Hank: I'll make it up to you, i swear...

Becca: I know

Hank: Do you?

Becca: Sure. You never mean to let me down, but you do...

Hank: Yeahh i guess i do...

Becca: You, know...
Its all well and good to talk about happy endings..., but if a person can't deliver..., if he keeps screwing up...
Well, eventually i guess i kinda just have to say fuck you, or words to that effect...

(Californication S01E07)

This episode and especially this conversation sounds eerily familiar...
For this past one week, i have been encountering a lot of these weird-life-is-a-karma-lesson. Quite a challenge to taste my very own bitter medicine not once but twice.

True enough i went through halfway hell but overall i think it was worth the ride.
I feel much better and lighter, after venting those issues close to heart to the person close to my heart.
Am also very glad that I finally heard the consolation words i never thought i would be hearing.
Resolving issues that were bothering me for the longest time.

As much as i like where this is heading, the whole perfect idea still creeps me out. Too ideal for me to handle in this realistic world. Plus, this whole thing also feels too good to be true. I am a strong believer that nothing good will eventually come out from a great start.
Common la..., since when everything seems to fit the puzzles so well. Since when everything seems to snuggly fall into places. And since when wishes are being granted so easily?
Snow white would never ever get her prince charming if she hadn't chocked on apple.

Any fucking way, all i know for now is..., i am bloody well thankful and happy that our path crossed and is still crossing...
Happy Valentines Munks, eventhough i know we both are anti-vday people. Lol.

oxymoron feelings...

2011-01-31T02:31:00.005+08:00

sometimes you just got to allow weakness to consume you wholly in order to locate strength...

maybe that is why we all cry our heart and lungs out once in awhile...
i just went through a whole good one hour exercise of catching my breaths
a few episodes of weepings followed by a long but intermittent, apprehensive and jerky inhalation - rhythm...

*double sighs...*
however, it does feel very good to let many things out of my system

because i realise that i am capable of subconsciously accumulating my sadness and guilt,
which tend to clog up my entire sanity channel
then almost naturally, i subdue to pretence happiness and laughters

now, what scares me most is when i myself do not even notice my sudden change of bubbly behaviour
until it is too late...
for that is when i start breaking down and tearing for what feels like eternity...

*triple sighs...*
ohhh well, i suppose that is part and parcel of life

*pause...*
ultimately i'm glad that i manage to find zen within myself after letting those incomprehensible feelings out through my tears...
i only have to remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, no? =)

i, sulin am turning 25 years old this year,
but i still feel like a child
so unsure,
so fickle minded,
and so fragile i could break at any given time...

living this life, i am tiptoeing on what feels like a ground full of land mines
and any moment of wrong steps i will be blown into smithereens
the end...

*quadruplet sighs...........*

only love,
sue... 0230

susu's quote of the day =)

2011-01-27T08:13:00.009+08:00

Serena: I don't mean to take you for granted. It's just, if we're being completely honest...

Dan: We are.

Serena: I think that maybe sometimes I test you. You know, I keep thinking that if things get too hard you'll give up on me. But you never do.

Dan: And I never will. If you really need me, ever, I am there. But i think there's a reason you didn't insist i come with you over the break..

Serena: and the same reason why u didn't make me stay...

(gossip girl s04e12)

Sometimes...,
we all choose to pass the baton and move onto someone else.
We tip-toed out of our comfort zone knowing very well what predicaments are in store for us.
For...,insecurities, doubts and heartaches are the elements that make our existence feels tangible and substantial...
Also constantly reminding us that we are still on par with this game called... LIFE.

we may surprise ourselves as we face the future,

or be surprise when cleaning up the past...

num19...

2011-01-19T05:32:00.001+08:00

a month has passed...

light has been shed upon my path ahead...
at the same time,
darkness surrounds me form within...

it is also 2 shorts of 4...

in loving memories...,
suebit

5:32am
19/01/11

no one understands...

2011-01-10T21:52:00.005+08:00

Not so long ago, i blogged about how no one but only life can gives us a second chance...
It still holds true to me...
And i OWE no fucking one an explanation of what i do...

After what happened 2 days ago...
The more i realise i am alone in this voyage called life...
Not even my closest soul mate understood what went wrong...
For when i was crying in fear and in pain...
She took me for granted thinking it was only about the after effect of alcohol...
But what pained me deeper was the fact that she was only looking for a solution to fix things...
No one was listening to my cry of despair...
I felt so lonely...
So lonely that i could really go mad...
Yes i was shouting but i wasn't over reacting...
All i needed then was a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ear to listen to my predicaments i will be facing the next few days...
I was really scared...

True enough, it is happening...
I am being isolated by my own blood...
In the name sake of concern?!

What about my feelings?
No one ever bothered checking into that part of me...

All i am feeling at the moment is the older i grow, the lonelier i get...
And that, i realise is my ultimate fear...

I am indeed exhausted emotionally...
Very tired of pleasing everyone in my life...
Tired of living up to expectations...
Tired of upholding my believes...
Tired of fighting what i thought worth fighting for...

So, I am going to let go of that grip right now...
Because i definitely feel lighter...
Because of the end of the day, i live for no one but myself...
People who so happened walk into my life will one day leave my ship...
People who so happened to be someone i called family can only be concerned...

Maybe i am given a chance to understand daddy...
I stumbled upon answers i was never seeking for...
Because i am currently taking a stroll in the darker side of life...
The path my dad used to walk...
I get to walk it now...
And i see the reasons why he walked it once...

In short, i walk this life alone...
No one understands it better than myself...
It is true that no one understands... NO ONE!
Hence from today onwards, i vouch not to explain anymore to anyone who will never get it...
Enough is enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-05T03:19:00.002+08:00

How does it feels like being accused?
Oh let's see!
It feels like crap!

It feels like i have being blacklisted. I am going to be stuck with that label forever.
What more? Especially when that is coming from people i care about..
I was literally flabbergasted...
I couldn't even defend myself...
I feel so weak...
I feel like some stupid useless girl.
All because of what i have done in the past?
I don't deserve a new life?
NO?

And all because he was so sure of what he feels!?
Wooooowoooooo. Slow down dude.
You are in my life for a couple of weeks and you act as though you have known me for freaking 20years.
Period.

unanswered questions...

2011-01-04T18:21:00.000+08:00

I accidentally allowed emotions triumph over my tower of defence...

Defence lost 0-1 to emotions...

pffft...

Perhaps...

trickling tears is the best remedy for the painful ignorance i have succumbed to...

It pains me...

when i reminisce

every single time...

where have those moments disappeared?

why life has to be so challenging?

why cant i be satisfied with what i have?

why do i have to do this to him, myself and us?

I am still waiting for that very one day to arrive and slap me real hard on the face

Will i be too vulnerable then?

Or have i bought enough time then to be able to withstand the impact?

Carpe Diem...

2010-12-30T03:53:00.007+08:00

multiple rainbows and one bright sunshine after the torrential rain...

that is what i would like to describe 29th of December...

apart from it being...

very beautiful...,

and very peaceful...,

it was also a very heartfelt, genuine and sincere moment of my life...

*giggles*

definitely not the usual roller coaster rides...

there were positive absence of increasing pulses, flushes nor the occasional adrenaline rushes...

like how we usually storm through the railings with sharp intake of breath at every downhill roll!

this time,

it felt as though we were trapped in a time warp...

as if we were lying down side by side on a little dinghy...

in the middle of a moonlit lake...

hands clasped...

starring blankly into the starry night

hearing nothing but the sound of nature

as the breeze scuffled in between the leaves and as the ripples of water hit the shore...

alternating with echoes of our talks and giggles,

other times bursts of laughters ensued...

we stole glances at one another occasionally

but somehow we shy-ed ourselves away after a few seconds...

that carved a smile not only on my lips but also in my heart...

it was a few perfect moments...

that i will treasure till the last breathe of my life... =)

i cannot describe the calmness that surrounds me anymore than i can express...

the rest of the details are probably food for my soul

that resides snugly within me

to keep me safe, warm and protected...

watching the future makes me forget my past...

i feel so happy and liberated...

i see colours everywhere...

but that being said....

things like these will not last...

one day, they will leave me again...

life is a bitch

don't we all already know it damn well...?

and so, as he puts it,

"we can only pursue happiness

but we can never grasp it, hold on to it and make it ours, forever..."

i say: "Carpe diem!"

Life's surprises!

2010-12-27T06:22:00.005+08:00

Christmas was magical...

I got what i have wished for this year... =)

*hip hip hurray*

My life just took an unexpected yet exciting detour.

*continues wondering how life is always full of surprises!*

It was suppose to be really crappy and sappy but things turned out really awesome possum.

Ambiguous feelings have been answered too!

*double hurrays!*

Yes! You can love 2 person at one time! Probably more!

After all, we have BIG hearts kan? =))

We are all blessed with that pouch of emotions which knows no boundaries!

Heart felt shout out for this week:

Who said you can't have the best of both worlds? ;)

(self) Discovery Channel

2010-12-23T16:26:00.004+08:00

I made 2 self discoveries yesterday night!

1. I am effing mad! One fucking mad woman.

2. I turned maroon LITERALLY after drinking! Like the typical chinaboys/girls! Oh-Em-Geee! That is soooo not proud a change to be having. It might look cute to turn red but i freaking don't want it! Looks alcohol intolerable! In another word - WEAK

People who has been drinking with me would have noticed this change too! I was never like this. NEVER!!! RawR!

Now the best part about this discovery is, ONLY my tanned skin turned maroon. The strip of original fair skin looked perfectly normal. What have i done to my skin? =(((

*sigh...*

churns churns churns

2010-12-22T13:50:00.003+08:00

My feelings are so volatile...!

Each passing moments, i actually feel a sharp turn of attachments towards things around me.

I only have 24 hours in a day. I used to sleep 12-14 hours previously.

Recently i can only maintain a 6-8hours sleep.

Hence, i have too much of time to kill whilst having no purpose of life. Pfffftt!

Ever wonder how it feels like stepping into a washing machine as it tumbles and spins?

Maybe, the sensation of moving at the speed of other machines might force an absolute desire to stand out as it get detached from the pile of uncertainty... FLASHING the RED warning sign.

It does sound like a cool idea getting thrown around upside down and left side right in there.

At the same time allow my brains get shaken up a bit.

Currently i feel so filthy that i need a good wash.

I want to go whirling... and whirling... and whirling... and whirling... and forget about the whole world....

Shadow of the yesteryears...

2010-12-21T10:05:00.010+08:00

I half suspect i am going crazy...

For i tear one moment and then smile in another instance at the thoughts of making this life changing decision...

Well sulin, asylum is not so far away...

Emancipation...

I spoke about this feeling once, not so long ago...

During my study break...

It was a different definition back then...

Perhaps the same feelings...? *shrugs....*

But....,Is this truly the feeling that is attached with a different kind of soaring?

I feel lifted and free when i leave behind a comfort zone yet i know i left behind something very precious...

After all, it is this cocoon that has been providing me a safe sanctuary and also had aided me to reflect all sorts of vulnerabilities the past 4 years...

Currently...

'Future' is the missing word in my dictionary...

I feel hollow, bleak and scared within...

True enough, I have missed my old self...

Because i have been constantly and inadvertently searched for that missing piece of her in these past few years...

And honestly, relocating her makes me feel at peace...

I was under a mislead impression that people change and so do i...

Hence, i convinced myself again and again that she no longer exists,

Guessing i was wrong all these while...

Little did i know I have been yearning to merge back with her...

The me, who enjoys taking a toe-dip depth into that pool of emotions

or maybe drown herself in ripples of thoughts once in a while...

The Sulin who attends to her pouch of emotions, keeping herself in check...

I am sorry i have kept you waited so long...

I am sorry if i have torn a part you away from me..

I swear it was unintentional...

For I am back now and i will not let go of you anymore...

Shadow of my yesteryears casted upon a new torso from the new dawn...

I am glad it still fits... =)

Signing off,

serenity 10:58am

in search of herself...

2010-12-19T18:09:00.007+08:00

Is this THE feeling when people talk about calm before the storm?

For I am feeling exceptionally tranquil at this moment...

Maybe it is the song... =)

Joseph Vincent & Jason Chen's voice serenading my thoughts...

Hold my hand is as brilliant as their last cover : Just a dream~

Been replaying their song since 2 hours ago. Hehe...

Plus, the weather is perfect...

These 2 weeks have been very emotionally exhausting weeks for me..

Too many things running through my mind.

Brain cells also hangus already i think. -.-

Sleepless nights, early awakenings...

It definitely does not sound like my normal self...

Truth is, i learnt quite a bit about my inner self...

In fact i was quite shocked when i realised how unhappy i have been inside...

How i have been lying to myself...

For the longest time, i pretended to no one but me, myself...

It was an awful feeling...

Especially if one is unaware about her ownself... sigh...

Very scary indeed...

Not very sure if i am lucky that i found myself in time looking all battered up and at the verge of losing grip...

I am guessing the time has arrived for me to take off that very mask that hid my true self...

and address the issues i have at hands...

So, I hope Christmas will be magical this year...

But a hope can only can only serve us that much...

Issues with cheating. Wow!

2010-11-22T04:23:00.006+08:00

Cheating is a crime.

Interlocking lips with intention is a cheat.

Thinking of someone else when you are in a relationship is definitely cheating!

I call that emotional cheating.

Fucking another guy while you are not single is unfaithful = cheat.

Fucking another guy after you are married = adulterous = cheat.

But kissing at spur of moments with 2 girls and 1 guy in front of everybody is what i called wild.

It is downright NOT CHEATING! DAMNIT!

Not misbehaving also especially if it was in a club!

So do not fucking step into the club if you are not ready to see all these!

For clubbing is where people have fun. Not stand in a corner looking prim and proper. GROW UP PEOPLE!

Second chance in life everyday...

2010-11-22T03:24:00.004+08:00

The winner of post card from Paris, je t'aime competition...

She really deserves a win. =)

"If you were given a second chance in life, what is the one thing you will change about yourself?...

Aren't we given a second chance in life everyday?
I think I am, and everyday I take it to try to love those around me for who they are and to love myself for who I am.
Nobody is perfect, and it is in this imperfection that we experience life to the fullest :)...."

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Because life itself gives you a second chance...

...when you wake up the next day =)

After that moment of enlightenment, i definitely will look at the whole process of waking up in the morning (in my case evening) everyday in a completely different perspective.

And for that, i personally feel that no one else has the right to give anyone else another chance if it wasn't for life's condonation itself.

Geddit?

Think big!

_________________________________________________________

I made a mistake the night before.

A mistake which seems negligible given the state of mind and environment i was in. I had fun. We all had fun.

But a blunder like this affect everyone else's opinion towards me.

Call me defensive. I do not care.

For i have my own dictum to life. I know what i am doing and where i am headed. Feeling disappointed is one thing but judging me is altogether another thing. I expect no judgement from you if i tend not to judge you.

What more if you are a someone dear to me.

Anyhow, like how Jh puts it, there are certain behaviours that irk me but they don't irk the rest, and vice versa. I suppose he is right. It felt alot better hearing that. The very fact that he is the one person who was suppose to be angry at me in this matter but he let it pass... because he knows me.

You are the best boyfriend ever!

I am sad to say that i do not understand some of my friends anymore. Very heartbreaking indeed but its better i realise it now than never.

And at this very moment, i need you Shan because i know you too know me best.

Life as we know it...

2010-11-19T05:15:00.007+08:00

I noticed that i am an emotional author. An author who tends to write a lot on deep stuff.

Stuffs that i bet only 1 or at most 2 souls can understand. That sometimes i find myself staring agog at those endless paragraphs to unravel the actual events attached to them.

As much as i want to write inspirational, motivational and self-correctional blog, i am not gifted to do so. In fact, i find it so difficult to get good flows of sentences and spontaneous remarks. Unfortunately i may have abundance of ideas but lack of talent in delivery.

Maybe that is the reason why i often get tongue tied during conversations.

Another problem i have is repetition. I keep writing about the same thing. Ie: this post!

Lamenting about the same issues over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. There, i did it again! Super cheong heii. Sigh.

So, why am i typing at this hour? Urmm... because im done with facebook for the day.

Back to basic when facebook wasn't around. Seems like a good day to honor the existence of my blog. Blog sphere used to be my virtual hangout space. A place i found solace when my head was filled with explosive questions. It was some'one' i felt comfortable talking to when i felt lonely and also a place i built with my imaginations. Most importantly a zone i can shut myself away from the nasty world. Well, after all it is the only tunnel that link me to my past painful and bittersweet memories which remained so fresh albeit the changing passage of time.

Come to think of it, funny how much i have changed in 5 years but my feelings towards many people and things never expired. More so funny when newer affections arrived along the way and sit themselves snuggly on top of the already jam packed memory box. Over time, they all settled down to give way and accommodate even more recent chronicles of life.

Bah~ As usual, i am beating around the bush again. I guess the only reason i am here tonight is because i want to read this post and laugh about my silliness in another 5 years time.

*makes funny faces*

2010-10-26T10:39:00.003+08:00

This is not the first time i feel disappointed with people around me...

Is it worth my trouble?

Times when you feel like you are being taken for granted. What do you do?

Pre-Battle #6

2010-09-19T19:50:00.005+08:00

the world is at a stand still....

i can hear echoes of cruelty a few blocks away...

and the air is still engulfed with smokes and smell of blood from the massacres two weeks ago...

every once in a while i see glimpse of lightning from the horizon...

i too hear thunder from a distance...

snapping me out of my daze at intervals...

chills are running down my spine as i think about tomorrow...

i shut my eyes and mumbled a few prayers...

"Good luck to all of us..." are the only words i could muster...

"Am i fit physically and psychologically for the war of half the decade?"

I waited for a reply but...

Only silence reverberates within my tent...

I do not know what sunrise has in store for me the next day...

But whatever happens, i will still take pride in all the previous marches...

And... i shall not die in vain....

Battle #5

2010-09-07T16:35:00.000+08:00

Today, we were brought to 10 stations to meet various Military Brigade Generals, Commanders, Lieutenants, Colonels & Captains of different commissions for clearance.
We were honored the green ticket to march into the ultimate war of half-the-decade against the strongest enemy force in 2 weeks time! =)
Wish all of us luck!!!

Gambatero!

Battle #4

2010-09-03T15:22:00.000+08:00

Headed to war in the morning with freaking weird anthem : Justin Bieber's Baby.

Situation in the battlefield is worse today.

A lot more civilians were running around more than usual.

The rest of the shootings are history...
Aims were pretty horrible today....

Battle #3

2010-09-01T15:23:00.000+08:00

Successfully shot down a lot of people, but i am not sure if i hit the assailants or the bystander...

However, i feel more triumphant today!

Battle #2

2010-08-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

I lost my way while heading to the battle ground.

Battle #1

2010-08-27T14:46:00.000+08:00

I broke my sword. forgot my armor. fwt. -___-

Pre Battles

2010-08-27T04:59:00.000+08:00

The beginning of the worst nightmare!
Our last battle it is...
So, raise our sword and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!
Best of the best-est luck Batch 17! =))

Myriad WC Fifa Supporters

2010-07-08T20:53:00.009+08:00

There are 3 types of WC FIFA supporters:

Type 1:
Hard core, die hard, true blood fan.
"One for all and all for one".
Those who CrazilyExcitedlyEcstaticallyEuphoriclyFanaticallyFrenzilyLoudly-and-Loyally *pants pants pants pants gasps gasp gasps sand catches breath* supporting ONE team. Irregardless of win-lose.
No adoption of new team even if their favorite team falls out, on the way to the finals.
Thereafter feel indifferent/neutral. Either stop following WC or still following WC by sitting on the poky pointy fence and watch every other match in joyful state.

In a nutshell- Boring. *yawns*

Type 2:
Similar to number 1. But definitely NOT the same.
This fans' base and support is entirely dependent on triumph.
Flake out on the original team (ie team A) when it loses and scream like
chimpanzee bitches for :

subtype 2a) many other teams (ie team B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K etc etc etc).
This subtype will eventually be a winner fan come what may. doh! *rolls eyes*
Because they will no doubt claim that the bearer of WC is the team they support
(after flaking out on a long lists of teams) ROFL. So pathetic.

In a nutshell - Lalangs.

subtype 2b) specifically a team (ie team XX) playing against the team (ie team ZZZ) who thrashed their original favorite lousy team (ie team A). If team XX perished in the war with team ZZZ, they will adopt a stronger team (ie team XY) who might have higher chances of finishing off what lousy team A and team XX couldn't finish. EVEN MOE PATHETIC!

In a nutshell - Childish & Lame. (need some spankings man...)

Type 3:
Entirely new to me. Smells like a stinking time bomb. Pffftttt!
Initially looked benign. Supporting unknown/unclear teams.
Changing teams almost every rounds. Probably due to factors like ego & money & resources constraints. At the same time biding time beneath each breath while formulating grudges against a certain team (team ZZZ) since the very beginning of WC due to unknown reasons. Then, barfing out tonnes of offensive & foul curses when the team they have been eye-ing with maximum amount of staunch hatred, got whacked in the ass by the unknown/unclear teams they support.
Whoa. Chillax la. Like hell, no one says anything about your unknown/unclear team also.

In a nutshell - Despicably Dangerous

Speaks a lot about their personality, doesn't it?
Which type are you?
Can i safely say i am Type Number 1?

ignorance of a clock

2010-07-08T00:58:00.003+08:00

Why is the clock ticking so slow?!
An hour and a half more!

I am quite nervous for the Germany's game against Spain later!
ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time!
I demand you to move faster!

*tick tock tick tock ignorance*

-_____________-!

2010-07-03T04:31:00.004+08:00

Do you know what i hate most?
Hypocrites! FUCKING hypocrites!
The worst is that these people do not even realize they are ONE! wtf.

So, it is NOT ok to perform a public demonstration?! *rolls eyes*
BUT, it is totally cool and cute to do so on facebook? (like it is not public enough?!)

uuurrrrr.....? Get a life, dudette?

Seriously i am beyond speechless!

No one will say you are dumb if you shut-the-fuck-up.
Hence, don't bother voicing out anything if you don't intend to do so from the very beginning.

Why be a coward and challenge your own principle just because you felt it was "bearably" alright for that sucker to moan like a retard on a virtual public zone?!
GEEZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!

What a total failure in making such great choice of exemptions!

Personal preference to NOT pick on a particular person who was fighting for the wrong cause Vs. picking on a group of senile demonstrators who was actually fighting for the right cause.

WHAT A JOKE! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

a weekend to remember...

2010-06-14T14:30:00.007+08:00

Sunday's facebook shoutout. (And i mean it! Right, sulin *rolls eyes*)
"One of the best-est weekend!
Restraining order for NO partying & NO drinking the next 2months starts today!"

Being a facebook queen, i have seen a couple of shout outs stating that they had a great weekend. Something very nice to hear from the usual grunts and complaints about Monday blues...
I obviously had a weekend i find worth blogging. =)

Friday
Weekend started as early as Friday night.
More like an alcohol filled weekend. Teheeee.
Fought with bii (dont remember why at the moment), not a good sign for good weekend huh?
Gaya was unhappy too under the influence of some unforeseen circumstances.
So we ber-emo together over the smses. Sigh...

Anyways, Andeloo called for dinner. I wanted to nap aka sleep until the next morning but i decided against my pig-ly wish because i was adamant that my weekend should be AWESOME this time! So off we went to Wazen with Gillie, Bav and Anson. Bii joined us 20minutes later along with his post-badminton sweat. He left with Anson when the rest of us decided to go for a ~~many~~ round of beer @ Jim's Cottage in conjunction with the opening ceremony of World Cup Fifa 2010.
Steven and the geng joined us for awhile and we all left at 12 something.

Then I joined dx and the rest in office bar. Had another many rounds of beer. Haha.
Left at 2am but my night did not end there because i joined the party in gurv's apartment.
Woooowooowooo! Slow down woman. -_____-!
Bad news, i had my usual emotional attack/breakdown when i get high in unhappy state. I probably cried tears enough to be able to fill up all the empty whisky bottles lying around in gurv's house. Bahh! Sappy! But thanks to Shereen, Mal, Gurv and Paul for shutting up my howlings in the wee hour of morning. Sorry dearies... =(

Saturday
Woke up the next morning wearing a pair of swollen goldfish eyes. Like that >>
Haha! Luckily I managed to stay through the whole convocation without much difficulties from the 3 people i do not wish to see. *pats own head*

Post convocation party at Arena and then at Garden city. I will let pictures do the talking.

Sunday
...is another chapter of its own... =)
I will write another entry on it!

Signing off...
sue... <3

Mutilated feelings...

2010-06-11T01:45:00.007+08:00

"To thine own self be true..."

I have made no fault,
maybe only imperfection of not being perfect...
I owe YOU not any vindications...
...For i have played my role...

Therefore,
YOU don't deserve my conscience anymore
NOT NOW, NOT NEVER...
The only mistake i probably have made was to befriend you and to underestimate your misconstrue judgmental personality...
BEGONE ungrateful, jealous, cynical and narcissist force!

I reckon i have left this shout out for the longest recorded time ever on my face book page -UNTOUCHED. PERIOD!
Probably more than a week, long enough for the message to reach those it was directed upon. Most importantly, strong enough to puncture and penetrate the dirty dungs-compacted brains of some people!!!
And if they don't get it, i can only laugh at their lack of conscience and ignorance! Bakaaa!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Because it hurts when people hurled those irresponsible and unfiltered tainted ideas of theirs at someone (Me) who was seriously putting their best interests before anything else!
And please get your facts right before bombarding away like a malfunctioned catapult!

A misunderstanding as many puts it, i beg to differ. I, who stand on the other end do not see it that way. Personally? It sounded like saying fuck-you in a subtler way.
Where is the room for the benefit of doubts when it is critically and essentially needed?
No one jumps right into a stinky pool of verdict if it wasn't for a pre-fixed prejudice!
So, to hell with "misunderstandings"!!!

I was furious! So angry i could murder those people! But hey, it was only a superego thought.
I am sane enough to NOT react and demote myself to the same par as those people.
Well, referring to the conclusion made by those people, I totally get it that superior people have to behave superior-ly as oppose to minions doing the minion jobs?

Those weren't my natural words. I had to spit them in defense to false convictions made by a subordinate.

I have said it before and now i will say it again:

i will b the worst defender u can ever come across in life
i don't perform the inauguration of attacks
for i only defend by counterattacks!
and bear in mind that they will be few folds in comparison to the damage you have caused...

echoes from 1st June 2010 8:03 pm...
su-lin

2010-05-13T03:37:00.003+08:00

there are too many possibilities out there
in addition to the unpredictable temptations that catch me at almost every corner...

is this a process of growing up being an adult?

when i was an adolescent, i experienced what many called as identity crisis
today even though i have found the answer to the crisis
but i am still confused of who i am suppose to be in life...

Emancipation...

2010-04-26T10:17:00.009+08:00

"feel the progress of melody instead of listening to the flow of the song..."
that is trance...

have you ever feel like you were soaring?
feel that you are being surrounded by cold, chilly and still air...
however you don't feel like you are freezing...
instead you feel the warmth inside out...

i have only lived it once...
it was 3 years ago, when i was heading up the mountain of Shimla sitting with zero distance away from that very person...

whom i fight with endlessly everyday for every single thing
whom i watch before i sleep every night and wake up every morning
whom i cried to without feeling silly and dumb

he...
who loves me without knowing the boundaries of affections
who made me realize how greed will not only make me lose him but eventually lose myself...
who accepts me for who i am
who expects the least out of someone like me who is full of attitudes
who ultimately walks me through and out of the hardships of my life...

and he was also the person who held my hand, made me flushed as red as a ripen tomato and felt so hot in that negative degree Celsius, 3 years back...

he is still the person who holds my hand till this very moment, 3 years later
never thinking of letting it go...

how could i even lose my grips?
i must have been sick in the head...
very very sick...
i am glad i have untangled one huge mess within myself yesterday...
i have successfully release that burden which has been snowballing since the day expectations took over me...

little did i realize i have been shutting myself away from the world
little did i know i have stopped listening to friends around me...
little did i know i chose to walk alone and away from everyone else (him and all my close friends included...)
and i left no space for improvements
i turned ugly and full of scars...
i kept suppressing all the unhappiness in me subconsiously
gradually everything got compressed into a big chunk of heavy unmanageable feelings...
i almost got swallowed along into the nothingness, the unknown realm...

i have only two person to thank...
and i dont know how else to do so...
hence by dedicating this post to the both of you,
i hope i can convey my feelings...

to wifey and bii...
thanks for always being there.
near or far.
it means the world to me...

now that i finally come to term with myself...
i have never felt this peaceful for the longest time...

with love,
Sulin... (10:48am)

p/s: at the beginning of the post, i mentioned that i experienced that soaring feeling only once?
Today i felt it again... Priceless. =)

in the realm of emptiness...

2010-04-12T03:03:00.003+08:00

The darkness along with the silence that surround him inside out...
He must have be really scared...
I cannot imagine how his world is like at the moment...

he used to be able to see from his right eye...
the only means of communication between him and the world...
now,
even that has been taken away from him...

i wish i could do something to help him ease this suffering...
looking at him from a few inches away...
i feel so crushed...
tears were balancing at the edges and corner of my eyes...
but i held it back
i want to be strong at least for him
i dont want my brothers to start crying too...

this is the same feelings i experienced 7 years back
when i was camping outside the CCU
hoping and praying for mama's recovery...
battling with the stages of possibility of losing someone dear...
now it is happening again...

these might be the last few moments i could spend with him...
he is struggling...
in pain, in fear,
he is probably waiting for daddy to come back from oversea...
he is fighting against his fate maybe...

why do people have to die...?

mama...
please take care of yeh yeh...
he needs the strength and consolation...

Shuey!

2010-03-26T17:43:00.004+08:00

Since the beginning of 2010. Nothing has been going right.

Started off with losing an SE phone and purse with IC, CC, every colourful cards anyone could possibly owned. Spent 300bucks getting a new IC, 1700bucks for a new iphone and petty cash for replacement of every thing else.

Then the day i wanted to drive my car down to Melaka, car battery had to die on me. FINE!
Requested Pohhock to come over and help me jumpstart my car so i can trail behind him but the moment my brother saw his car turned into my apartment, big fat huge droplets of HEAVY rain came pouring down like some waterfall. IT WAS LIKE IN THE MOVIE! THE SUSPENSE THE CLIMAX! I WAS TOO FLABBERGSTERRED! I SWEAR I SHOUTED REAL LOUD! Twice! Once in the house and another time in the parking lot. Daddy was so nice to actually come down and help. (that is the only good thing, man i was touched. because he usually tells me to fix my own shits)
Everyone got drenched in the process of fixing my car. WHY? Because the car was parked in an open area! DARN IT!

When finally the car was successfully transported to Melaka, on the 2nd day, while the car was parked outside my house. OLAlA! The passenger side window got shattered by some incompetent grasscuter cum stones/mud-cutter. (FUCKING SEE where you aim your blades la you doofus!)

Plan to go krabi. Then had to cancel seeing so many unfortunate events happening to me. Riot somemore in Thailand! DIU!!!!!!

Last day in Melaka before holiday started, went to jusco, walked normally on the escalator up also i tripped and fell like a hippopotamus. WTF! Was wearing my shortest pants somemore. must have been a sight. a fugly sight!

Holiday started, 1st day of holiday, tripped on the invisible chain at the curve. Another elephant/hippopotamus falling stunt. Bruised my right knee, pelvic, left shin and ultimately ego. All thanks to some 2 people!

To top it all off! Yesterday night, i fucking lost my 2months old iphone in the club. On our table on our sofa.
I am still bound to the 2 years contract with maxis no matter what. The best part is, i dont have an iphone anymore! SCREW U LAH TAN SU LIN!

YAY! WHAT MORE CAN THIS FUCKY YEAR BRINGS ME?!
BRING IT ON!

DF!

2010-03-26T12:52:00.004+08:00

i cant believe i am such a DUMB FUCK!
i think i am entitled to be fucked and fucked till i get my perianal riped!
WTF AM I THINKING?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
WHY DONT I EVER LEARNT MY LESSON!!?!?!?!?!?!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot forgive myself. i dont even know what to feel now.
sorry. anger. hatred. loathe. regrets.

Lost a phone and a purse due to my own silliness 2months back.
NOW LOSING A FUCKING IPHONE ALSO BECAUSE OF MY DUMBFUCKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE A DUMB FUCK TAN SU -LIN!
you dont fucking deserve to live in this planet!
go pack your fucking bag and migrate to planet for dumbfucks!

wonders...

2010-03-24T02:45:00.003+08:00

if it is possible to love two person at the same time?
*continues wondering*

i suppose one will fade off as time passes...

two days ago, i had a random conversation with shan.
we both agreed that love is just a fraction of life, and it is NOT the core of life itself as oppose to many's beliefs.

anyone can get married, start a journey together in life, produce babies like there is no tomorrow, work their buffalo's asses off to support the future family and yada.. yada.. yada... boring stuff. *yawns*

now, what interest me is, if there is a point of life when you cheat on your other half. Be it emotionally/physically. Then what?

we are not saying that this cheating element is fixed as part of the marriage plan a married couple signed up for.
however we are saying that if it arrives, it just comes tumbling down and collapses anyone's strong will, no?

whether it is acceptable in this society? i highly doubt it.
but many countries practise such polygamy gangbang shit... ROFL!
for example: maldives.
hrrmmmmm...

shan says emotional cheating is worse than physical cheats.
i reckon the other way around.

after much discussion, we finally made a conclusion saying that guys CANNOT tolerate physical cheating from the gf/spouses. *cough-ego-cough*
whereas the girls CANNOT accept emotional cheating in addition to physical cheating. LOL!

but now my question is:
possible to love two person at the same time when you are already attached?

a night to remember =)

2010-03-20T04:27:00.003+08:00

enjoyed the night with Ding Xin, Foong, Shaun, Beh, Tan, June and Dy!
*hearts you guys!!!* =))

me learnt how to play the dice probabilities game. it was too fun and funny! =P
arigato kozaimasu peeps!!!
we drank about ermmmm4-5 towers? hahah!

this is one of the random moments when i feel like i still have great friends around me.
to cheer me up and to make me feel like i am still sane.
because there are too many dramas and backstabber out there. geez!

similarities vs. coincidences

2010-03-16T02:06:00.005+08:00

similarities and coincidences.
what are the odds?

in everyday life, i meet people with so many similar features as me.
or so my mind says.
or should i say coincidence?
the thought of yesterday.

have i missed out on so many prospects in life?
basing it all entirely on similarities...
have i closed my doors?
or is it merely a mind game.
that the eyes only see what the mind wants you to see!
hence it is heading towards that direction.

today i believe strongly that the mind is simply playing infant tricks on the adult mind.
but how?
i reckon, Mr.Minds narrows down all the possibilities to ground zero.
i was made to believe that who/what i come across in life similarities.
instead of coincidences...

p/s: dont we all girls love similarities. just like how we adore jeweleries...

however, i am proud now, that my heart taught me what coincidences are...
and it shall stay that way...
from now onwards.

Tests of will-power

2010-03-16T01:55:00.005+08:00

there have been many tests in the recent months.
tests to challenge my will against my desire...
i am glad i realised this as i grow.

everyone feeds on fantasies at one time or another.
it is about holding back, saying no and snapping back to reality.

wiser nevertheless sexier! =)

after all living in a surreal world made up by purely mind power isn't going to end up anywhere, right?

two persons told me this:
"what he doesn't know wont hurt him"
we shall debate about this in the future.

Waterpipe

2010-03-10T16:50:00.003+08:00

I am behaving very extraordinary today.
This is the 3rd time i blogged in less than 16hours...
Meaning it is more than the times i have blogged in the past 1 year... Geez!

Want to know why?
Because I am behaving like a leaking waterpipe since yesterday night.
I think it is because i do not know how to handle parting very well.
I just had another bout of crying.... =((((((((((

A few minutes after i walked into the empty house, emotions came gushing out of nowhere and they are squeezing into my eyes, waiting to be released through torrential tears...
I could not even pretend it was there and pushed it away!

His absence is making me Un-Sulin. Damn it! Argh!
I feel weak inside, sorrow and all i want to do is cry and sneeze into tissues after tissues...

It feels so hard, prony!!!! why!!!!?????
Just for a week! i cant even do that?
are you kidding me sulin? *shrugs*

I miss his smiles, his laughters, his silly lame jokes, his funny expressions!
I miss his company... Eventhough i freaking ignore him all the time when he is around as i am very much into my fb addiction spree...

This feelings sucks! I cant imagine how i am going to live without him if he ever leave me first to the afterlife...

BABY!!!!! COME BACK LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T____________________________T

8 days till 1095....

2010-03-10T13:42:00.005+08:00

Why is it that after countless times of parting...
and so many years of being a part of each other...
and so many fights that have erupted...

Tears started rolling every time we say goodbye to each other?

A typical scenario of taking someone for granted, i suppose...

Walked a total of
2years 11months and 10days...
together...

8days and counting till our 3rd anniversary...

Love him!
Am going to miss his absence...

Points to improve upon:
- be independent
- go out, catch up with besties
- spend quality moments alone (NOT implying anything. tehee!)
- do things you never get around doing while he was right there
- cherish the moments of missing each other. you hardly feel it anymore after marriage. haha!
-LASTLY! CHEER UP! (p/s: it is all in the mind)

Hope i can get another round of BR tonight with my new found friends. =)
Though it is gonna be tricky without transport! *groan*

Suesie...
1:47pm
(Partly Couldy Sky + Gloomy Afternoon)

Reflecting: You or I?

2010-03-10T03:05:00.005+08:00

I..................................

I have come to a stage where i feel the need to isolate myself from the rest of the world.
I just want to be alone!
Hiding in my cocoon licking my self inflicted wound...

The more i think about that few matters, the more swell up my lacrimal ducts become...
I thought i know myself...? No, it seems like i don't?

For once, i realised for the longest time, i haven't been reflecting...
on my words, my actions, my decisions... etc
Spoken to him about it, yet the scenes are still playing in my head. Over and over again.
hrmphh... not helping.

I feel like a failure. To miss such important upbeat of life.
It is as though i have missed an obvious life threatening finding in a patient.
A matter of life and death...

Only this time, it involves and is a threat to my life.

To inadvertently or subconsciously hurt someone?
Different entities but separated by very minimal margins...

But still? It was too innocent! TOO INNOCENT.
I did not even realise. Because to me, it was so insignificant... it was too benign...
It took me quite some time to remember what i actually did.

You................................

Assumption that you are generally accepted?
WRONG sue WRONG!
What you feel for that particular person may never be reciprocated.
Because not everyone is as forgiving as you. Fullstop.
Or maybe people are just sensitive at that fraction of seconds and *BAM* you have to be the cause to the whole hoo-haa.
Now, bear the consequences bah...
*nods su-lin*

No solution. Just a lesson to be learnt. An expensive one.

5 forbidden fruits and counting...
I wish i can taste a refreshing bite anytime soon.

Hollow

2010-02-22T14:44:00.009+08:00

loneliness = death
i think i am nearing there...

stomach feels hollow
but i am not hungry

heart feels aching
but i am not having a heart attack

body feels numb
yet every sensations are prickling on alert

i feel faint
but i can stand and walk perfectly

all because of the word friendship...
have you ever felt as though you don't have true friends?
that everyone is just mere acquaintances...

tell me what i am currently feeling is just a change of weather, can you?
so i have H.O.P.E to look forward to...

but no, its not working...
adamant as i am
the truth is against all odds...

I am someone so insignificant...
It feels like i am falling and falling
but not reaching bottom zero?
maybe if i do finally fall and splat
things will be clearer...

using death against death...
='(

i do understand why people can commit suicide...
i do...............................................................................

Remember Me?

2010-01-02T07:51:00.002+08:00

Prony,
i just finished reading this book by sophie kinsella. =)
one of the best author ever!
like seriously, it is as though i was completely zapped into the fictional world as i read from one page to another.
and i have always found the resemblance in the all the girl character she picks to write about in all her stories. =D

well yeah, i know it is similar to the horoscope/starscope scam we get daily on our local newspaper.
it is exactly that incomprehensible feeling yet i am allowing myself to indulge in dreamy feel.
and while reading her masterpieces, i tend to conjure up alot of things. probably a make believe that i have been wishful for.

can i live in a storybook? life seems to turn out perfect at the end of the day regardless of how much of shit and crap life is at the begining...

i only can wish...

Only love <3
8:02am

i hear myself thinking loudly...

2009-12-31T02:30:00.004+08:00

almost everyone i know on this surface of planet earth is excited about new year...
but why am i not feeling the hype?
have i grown out of it?

perhaps too many things took place...
they kind of shaken me up a bit inside out...
being at a war with anyone isn't my strength
let alone if that somebody is closely related to me
it sucks to be a bitch

however life have molded me to be a hardy when it has to narrow down to 2 options:
1. to triumph over the situation with pride and let conscience eats me

OR

2. to raise the white flag, stink like a loser, and then let the regrets eat me up as well

i think i went for #1

anyhow, it is 31st of december of 2009
i am beginning to wonder if have i grown wiser? or if i have became shallower?

i did things i have never got around doing...
i did things i never imagined myself doing...
and
i did things that i partially think are childish and at the same time very crucial to execute...

*triple sighs...*

guess i am going to walk across this very first day of new year without any resolution in mind.
let the nature takes its course. *nods*

Only love <3
dr.sexy tan (2:47am)

2009-11-11T04:18:00.003+08:00

someone made a remark to me yesterday night,
"being contented and being happy are both two different things..."

it kept me thinking for awhile...
not because what he said hits the jackpot
but what he said has some truth i should ponder upon...

well, he is definitely not the first person to comment about my relationship with jh...
infact, i would say i have been bombarded with quizzical expressions, indirect analytical questionaire and sometimes awkward statements previously....

ON why and how we are together...
it has been what 2years and counting???
but people do not know how to give me a break?

FINE we are two very different people. fulstop. period.

like i am tall for a girl, hes short for a guy
i am outgoing, he is homely
i am extrovert he is introvert
i am a very last minute person, he is punctual
i love clubbing, he loves aquariums
i listen to trance, he listens to reggae
i can talk to anyone, he rather listens one person
i love drinking alcohol. he hates alcohol

LIKE WHAT THE HELL???
we are definitely not the match made in heaven!

but what do others know about feelings?
i bet not many do...

and what i know about us is,
we love the beaches and the sea
we want to scuba dive
we want to go to hawaii and maldives
we love sweating out sipping tomyam
we love wrestling on the bed
we love sitting on each other's laptop and click on fb games i think no other freaking couples would do -_________-!
we cook and wash dishes together

and

we love each other's companion
after a tiring day after classes
during a standstill night with no great plans

how many people in this world has heard him LOL with actually can tickles your own bone?
i have and it was priceless.

everyday with him is like an adventure.
surprises is at every corner.
and they come when i least expect them.
these are moments money/effort cant buy...

so should i ask that someone back if he has felt happiness if he is not contented?
or if he never felt happy when hes only contended?

i do not understand how someone can draw a line between contentment and happiness...
anyone can explain that?

i do of course know the difference between happiness and sadness...

because i am sad when he is not around
and
because i will be sad if he dies earlier than me!

Only love <3
November 11th 4:39am

me & you

2009-10-17T08:46:00.004+08:00

eventhough it was not more than 1minute before we said goodbye,
i am already missing you...

this is just another holiday for the both of us
back into the lives of when we were both still singles
doing stuff just like what we used to do alone

but these times, they are just not the same
because
it does not feel the same doing things when you are not around...

it is not as if we have never parted before
but, yes... i am already missing you...

it is because
every time you walk away,
you take along that flourish presence that fills my heart with joy and laughter
as if you have taken away a part of myself...
which is you...

every time you walk away
and i made my away opposite yours,
my heart goes all wrenching with aches
and tears starts stinging my eyes
i blink
and they make their way down trickling over my cheeks

for that
i know i truly love you...

we fight so much (claims you)
but i swear
i cherish every single moments being with you
be it laughters or angers
i do not care
because i know when you are not standing right in front of my eyes anymore
i will start searching for you...

the same person whom i fight with
the very same person i throw mean words upon
will immediately become the person i want to be next with!

the essence of life?
what say you?
which reflects the ultimate meaning of living
nothing touch our core better than feelings...
and only feelings can etch something we call as memories...

so my dear silly boy
i hope you do not take fights and arguments as a negative turns
for i can tell you those things are the ones that bind us even close together!

AND I MISS YOU! =(

Only love <3
Lingdear
9:16am
17th Oct 2009

music as time machine

2009-06-17T01:53:00.002+08:00

tonight, i listened to songs that brought me down memory lane...
songs which are etched within me
being apart of my past

as the songs moves one by one down the playlist,
all i hear is the sound of the yesteryears...

it is as if you are transferred back to past
a music as powerful as time machine

as i snapped myself out of the transfixed state,
images of people who walk into and out of my life flips so fast into the darkness
back into the memory storage

alot of things change
if only we can stay stagnant and see from that perception,
then everyone will learn how to appreciate MOMENTS more than MEMORIES

they call it nostalgic
i agree =)
these are food for souls

Only love <3
susu
2:04am

Knock Me Down...

2009-05-04T03:57:00.006+08:00

Sometimes love comes around...
and it knocks you down...
Just get back up
When it knocks you down...

we have grown apart
for the longest time in my longest relationship...
we have been distant yet we are so near physically
(yes, it hurts but in a way that i never realized..
while it gnaws me subc0nciously..., i was actually fixing the wrong thing...)

a lesson i had to learn
through a painful way but nevertheless memorable and unforgettable
that feelings are everything in maintaining a great relationship..

we are different,
in so many ways yet so little ways
and when two very different individuals' paths come to a cross road
it is very perplexing how they decided, managed and traveled the same journey together
or how they entwined hands, walked that same parallel path and stayed next to each other no matter what happened
=)

this is when i learnt what love is...
a powerful word yet misused commonly
for love is not just doing everything together, thinking of each other, merely holding each other hands or making hot sizzling love...

but it involves that ultimate level of intimacy...
(no, i am NOT talking about bedtime activities)
also accepting each other differences in ways that no one can ever comprehend
and longing for each other in that implicit and unexpressed fashion

that when you look into each other's eyes
you see for yourself that love lies within the stare
and is written all over in the other person's eyes

when love is conveyed in an unspoken manner
you know that you have both reached that dream destination

today i had a wake up call
from the recession i have been drowning in

i am glad because now i know...
sometimes love comes around,
it knocked us down
as we fell in the pit of love
then we soared together back to the surface

but then it knocked me down again as time passes by
this time i went down alone
and i lost myself and him...

luckily,
i got back up,
as he held his hand to me and pulled me up
closer to him
i brushed my knees and bums
clasped my hand into his
and we continue walking

You wont see it coming when it happens
but when it happens you are gonna feel it,
let me tell you now
you see it when love knocks you down...

i truly love you baby
and i will never let you go...
thanks for taking my breathe away
and taking me through a roller coaster ride of my life!!!

with this, i dedicate this song to you and me!

With love <3
5:16am
Dr.SexyTan
(will edit some typos and grammars tommorow.. *yawns*)

life recession?

2009-05-01T16:39:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling emotionally disorientated lately
Not a good feeling, i must say...
It has been stalking me wherever i go
Even into my sleep sometimes..

Frankly, I do not know what i have become or,
what i have to expect and least expect in life
It cannot get anymore complicated
As i battle with my own thoughts
Only the unhappy thoughts triumphed

I feel distant again with everyone
including him
is this some kind of a life recession period?
that i get every now and then?

Probably i just need some time alone
maybe a personal space with just me and myself...

It is not easy
But I know he will make it easier for me
as he always does...

Only love <3

a Recap

2009-03-10T22:50:00.005+08:00

my 7th semester ended quite fashionably...
*pose for the camera* PERIOD!

right! of course i wasn't referring to that kind of fashion.
a lot has happened. at least, in my scope of brain capacity.

Community medicine posting lasted for 2 months.
everyone knows it the bestest posting of the entire medicine course.
why? here are the reasons:

1. we just sat in the AC lecture hall freezing ourselves to ice cubes. also freezed our brains, the cells and the transmissions making all of us vulnerable to sleep.

2. classes timing switched place with eat.mousehunt.sleep.fishwrangle.shit.ghosttrapper.

3. we said goodbye to the white coat cum yellow coat. no odour, no sweat.

4. made a pac with myself to indulge in some beneficial activities like reading fictions and watch as many movies and series as my eye sight could handle.
but in the end, i only managed 2 seasons of Gossip Girl (anyone who hasn't watched, please do so because it is the sin of century if you haven't)
I became a fanatic of GG.

XOXO

Then, came the sessionals for surgery and com.med. YAY!
Allocated very few hours of studying because i was very much busy catching up in Mouse hunting, reading forums, harped on the cheapest SuperBries cheeses i could get my hand onto! *double YAY*

result of MH: i overtook JoonKeat! and im in the newest area with my newest trap!

result for com.med: 70%. not bad for my effort! =))

surgery is going to be a bit tough to predict. i leave it to the magical and tedious hands of VENA KARANTH!

28th of February, denotes the day of freedom for batch 17.
it is as though we were all released from the "kandang"
and we were running wild!

Alicia held a great birthday party in A Famosa.
was late to the party as usual.
beers, whiskies, vodkas and the birhtdaycake-i-dont-remember-how-it-tastes-like were the 'alas perut' for the day's dinner.

guess what? party ended by 2am. hrrmmm... a tad too early for the international standard of party.

where was i? right. i locked myself in a room only to wake up 1020am the next morning.
how? sashi knocked the door of the room i was sleeping in for the say.... 9183748626278287374653 times

first thought?
HOLYSHITOMFGCHIALATLONGPIAK! its 1020!!! bibit landed at 7am!

second thought?
how do i look? *peak into the mirror and FREAKED*
to my horror my hair was as if they were gel-ed up and standing in all directions!
exactly the picture kailash used to display in his blog once upon a time. this:

p/s: i think i puked on myself or my hair. but i don't remember shit about puking. *glad for that because puking sensation sucks*

third thought?
how now? T______T
i couldnt keep track on how many things that ran through my mind.
but i was freaking and inadvertently directing sashi for towels and alicia for something else.
sorry =(
i showered (mandi kerbau they call it) and sashi passed me a bed sheet to wipe myself dry. Ewwww~

called bibit and i broke down. i did it again. stupidity of drinking.

enghan was an angel and am very grateful that he entrusted me to his nissan super car when i was in that still-tipsy condition.

result: i flew to KLIA, at 200-220km/h.
3 things dominating my thoughts, awareness and visions throughout the fast track on the highway.

1. i am driving enghan's car. he will be murdered psychologically by his parents if anything happened to me and the car

2. i have disappointed bit by getting wasted and abandoned him in the airport for 4 frigging hours! (any human who can tolerate me is seriously superb. that's why i love him unconditionally. for he loves me that much as well.... sigh.... *smack own head triple times*)

-______-!!!

so, if anything happened to me and the car, he will murder me second time, if i was dead by the time he sees me. if not, he would murder me psychologically too.

3. i am halfway a doctor. The liability is too absurd for my death. i carry within me, knowledge and practice at the price of RM200k. so dad will murder me second time as well.

Reached the airport arrival hall in one piece, parked the car aside, rushed out, hugged bibit to bits... and pulled back after a few seconds as i was aware that i stinked. O.o

He wasn't angry, neither did he say a word about me abandoning him. Instead, he asked how was i feeling... I was fine physically, but i knew the guilt that has already haunt me and eaten me up. I knew how disappointed he was... I am sorry, and i know sorry isn't enough to make up for my mistake this time.

so there, the fashionable sulin, who arrives fashionably late at every functions. This time ends her royal affairs being so unprofessional and a disappointment.....
way to go~ *smacks own head the 4th time*

Only love <3
SxydeviL 12:17am

FUDGE OFF!

2008-12-20T21:10:00.002+08:00

just who do you think you are? some big shot? some superstar?
fart tart! i don't care if you do not care anymore.

chillax la. acting like a kitten! *meow*

so you think i am gonna swallow your shit? and tolerate you attitude?
GIMME A BREAK and bugger off man!

in case you are reading this, i ain't gonna see u.
H-A-P-P-Y? sure you are!

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

2008-12-19T02:52:00.000+08:00

a walk of lifetime with noone but you,
fingers entwined and souls engaged....,
forming a silhoutte of love...

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

Only love <3

If i were a boy...

2008-12-15T18:05:00.009+08:00

"....If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts..."

~Beyonce '08~

i swear i will be a better man...

i would listen to her...
i would purse my lips and shut my mouth!
i would put my ears before my tongue!
because i know how it hurts...
to blabber things without thinking,
at a girl (or anyone else in that matter)

i would learn to respect a girl
before i expect her to do so
i would be thoughtful in conversation
i would be tactful in debating with her
put reasons forward
instead of defending for the sake of winning
just because i have my testosterone to be blamed

if i were a boy
i would not be so obsessed with my own ego
nor would i thrash theirs
i would be a gentleman and treat them like another gentlewoman
i would not segregate
but treat them just like one of us

if i were a boy
i would not discriminate the black skins
and think so proudly of my own bleach white fairness
which can beat the splashes of a ghost shivery whitish aura
because she knows you are as black as a soot inside
neither would i boast about how i should have further my study in western countries instead of the land of Ghandi

if i were a boy,
i would not talk about how i am better then my girlfriends' boyfriend
on how i am bigger
on how i am taller
on how i am better in that sports
on how i am smarter
on how i am like a so-called all rounder
because youth wears off and so do brain neurons

the best comparison i have ever heard was : i dump my gf at home and she wont make a sound but you are so sticky

if i were a boy
i would not show off
nor boast about what i did for my other half
nor compete with other guy on being the best boyfriend material
nor tell ALL my friends what i did over the weekends (intentionally)
!PERIOD!
nor announce publicly to my friends how expensive my anniversary gifts were to my girlfriend
nor bringing up the same repetitive statements about my girlfriends reactions when she sees the diamond
nor share my sex stories on bed to my other guy friends
making it jokes of the year
neither would i ask silly questions that will 'fortunately' lead back on to conversations about me, myself and i
(beams! beams! beams! i hope the gigantic spotlight falls down on his head, crack his skull and he suffers from amnesia, forgetting he ever has a girlfriend and that he was ever a MAN and thinks he is a WOMAN now!!!)

also because i know my girlfriend is not an auction item for people to place bids upon
i would be very sneaky
and do what people least expect of me
i would surprise her and the rest of the girls
and let the verdict be enormously unexpected

if i were a boy
i would not talk about girls wearing push up bras
or injecting hormones
or doing implants
or their sagging boobs
or the wobbly big wide buffalo buttocks
the way they walk
the way they act
because i know everyone has different physique
and it is the heart that matters most
AND MORE SO IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND whom others can also degrade and spit comments on

(PUIK PUIK PUIK! think whether your frigging gf is Miss World's Standard first or not-la before talking bad about other girls!!!)
-disclaimer: face and looks discussion can be excusedla-

if i were a boy
i would not degrade girls
and think they are weaker then men
and feel like the most superior human in the whole universe
think that everyone else especially the girls and including my own man-kind are childish
that i'm the MOST matured of them all
then tell about how girls only like to whine, PMS, mood swing, and be materialistic

if i were a boy
i would never ever be a hypocrite
lansi! comment on people's attitude when my own attitude is just as shitty

if i were a boy....
i would be like my beloved him
or like that guy friend who stood by me through thick and thin (most of the time only ler actually)...
because they know how their girlfriend and girlfriends would feel...

and i can never be more proud for the both of you *SMILES*

"...But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts..."

and as a girl, I am very extremely seriously pissed!
pained, hurt, heartfelt, annoyed, angered

*sigh*

and said siva: if i were a boy, you'd be one pretty looking boy
and to esther if u are reading this... there you go, if i were a boy...

on a lighter note,
if i were a boy,
1. i would know how it feels like being on top of a girl (my reply to my own Supremo question one year ago on stage in front of my dearest MMMC dean)
2. i would get a girlfriend just like ME!

T________T

only love <3
Me, Myself and I

Labour

2008-12-05T22:10:00.005+08:00

everytime i read people's blogs, i get inspired to blog...
however, everytime i start typing, nothing comes out...
lack of head-finger coordination, i suppose

life has been very uneventful. doubt its ever going to be the next few months. maybe never.

*sigh.....*

currently in Obstetrics & Gynecology posting...
2 weeks ago, i had to stay overnight in hospital for 2 nights to watch LABOUR/DELIVERY!
trust me, not a great sight... for a coughsexycough lady like me.

i see myself on that labour table in say 5years time, with my overgrown two chunky thighs spread wide enough for the entire world to peep into my waheena T___T

Probably screaming and howling silently in agony. Because nobody will ever bother to empathize. And of course being the lansi and showoffwy me, i don't think i want to groan cotinuosly around the clock for 12hours and be symphatized....

i FEEL for the mothers. i FEEL for mummy! eventhough i was brought out through C-sec ler.
Still?

i dream of having family of my own someday. i want to have kids.
but how to? when watching delivery is worse then watching the horrorest horror movie?

*GASP!*

Kentang-vire

2008-12-04T21:24:00.007+08:00

a few months back, jiahong told me that he used to have an english name.
he used to go to a Sunday school in which he learnt about Jesus and Mosses.
it was given by the parents but was never used elsewhere except for the mini autographs book we all used to sign when we were in primary 6. *laughs*

My reaction:
obviously...
"HUH? so whats your english name? "

His reply:
errrrm.... dont wana tell. you are gonna laugh. promise you wont laugh

Me:
*angel's halo appeared*

Him:
Edward.but... but but i prefer Dominique. (MUST BE ending with -que and NOT -c)

Me:
*trying hard to hold my laughter* Dominic is Perry's name. plus it sounds like that pizza Edward sounds better. EdwardLim!

*burst out laughing hard enough to squeeze out some tears*

anyways, with the hype of Twilight in the cinema lately and that cool and super yeng-ness of Edward Cullen played by the not-so-good-looking-in-real-life R. Pattison.
I decided to reveal to whoever that reads my blog about his weird childhood.

Me:
good time to intro your name
ed-o-ward-o

Him:
[9:23:57 PM] Jia Hong says: but but baby bu shi vampire.. baby shi...... kentangvire

Me:
*zonked*

Only love <3
susu (21:55)

Pimples Pandemic

2008-11-30T22:15:00.006+08:00

i have an obsession to press and burst ripened pimples.
seeing the tip of the pimples anywhere on anyone's face creates this unfathomable irk from the inside out of me.

so, my poor youngest bro became a victim of my obsession.
spent an hour clearing the pimples.
alot of tears and blood were shed... HAHAHA!!!

:: the blood and tissues wasted... ::

:: the result of his sister's obsession..::

Only love <3
Dr. Sexy Tan (2230)

sleep or no sleep

2008-11-25T12:17:00.005+08:00

I had a dream...
as early as today morning...

For the past one week, i have had difficulty in sleeping... I find myself staying awake most of the night past 3am. It sucks because i get really floaty the next day.

So, same thing happened today morning. I was trying hard to sleep since 4am but ended up rolling and turning on the bed and pillow. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me.

"how dare you trick your master?!" implored i, *sweat*

It formed many images that my eyes managed to captured throughout my life and then projected back onto the back of my closed eyes when i was trying to get a friggin rest.

Instead of dozing off, i ended up smiling when sweet images reeled past... and of course a mixture of thousand and one emotions as myriad of images formed and evaporated...

*sigh...*

in short: in insomniac ok!

anyways, the purpose (there is always a purpose blogging since i am not a regular anymore)
after a certain level of hardship of attempts to fall asleep, i managed to swim to dreamland.

only for bi to visit me in the dream. HOOORAY!
but...
it wasn't a nice pleasant dream.
because he freaking left me for another girl!!!! Dumped me!

T___T sadnyerr.....

oh yes... i remember who is the girl. and the girl has boyfriend too. in which she left him as well.
i couldn't bring myself to get back at jiahong even by trying to play along with the girl's ex boyfriend. how sucky.

and then i woke up just in time to dream past the point where it explains that jiahong was being a bastard because of charm gone wrong!

so WTF! this is just dumb!

Only love <3
insomniac chicken 12.38pm

B.O

2008-11-12T21:56:00.004+08:00

There is a reason when people call you a STINKY!
now, i think there are TWO reasons.
why?
Because, well...

ONE!
you stink literally! Now i ain't gonna be nice telling those who called you a stinko a MEANIE.

TWO!
you stink figuratively too! So WOW!
*drumsroll*
what a combo we have over here.

and yeah, if you are reading this, I AM PUTTING THIS UP FOR YOU TO DEVOUR~
so suck it up!

Only love <3

2008-10-05T01:16:00.004+08:00

lying on my tummy (abdomen as we medical freaks call it), i can hear the seconds ticking by and the familiar mysterious throbbing thuds within my eardrum that used to annoy me alot when i was a kid trying to sleep...

yeah uhuh, it just reflects how bored i am...
Raya holiday sprinted away too fast. Baby had been here for a month and now he has left for Manipal once again.

*long sigh...*

it feels weird to blog nowadays. Probably, i have moved on, away from the blogging trend...
either im outdated, not bothered, has a new way of channeling anger aka boy friend, too busy OR too obsessed with facebook (just read an article about internet addiction in CLEO magazine, uhuh... that's me *points at self*) Even my youngest bro started blogging secretly and i found out his address by chance!

*evil laughter*

Monday is to be anticipated...
The terror of the year!

Terrorist:
MVK (a hideous professor who can be put side to side to a Chimera) is back from his long hideout. He is seen heaving a M16 and a huge bazooka with him while other armors are not recognizable.

Victim:
The white mices wearing a terror look with a splash of whitening effect on their faces carrying a holy "bibble", praying and reciting the paragraphs of the holy words in the highest hope to escape the torture and disaster!

*double long sigh....*

and i'm already missing him
*tripple long sigh...*

Only love <3

2008-07-14T12:48:00.003+08:00

I came across a forwarded post on my facebook funwall...
thought this particular phrase carries alot of truth in it...

There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did and who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future...

Only love <3
Sues in blues...

Her

2008-07-09T12:39:00.003+08:00

my heart sank...,

as a familiar voice broke the silence of my grogginess in the afternoon awaken...

however...,
upon seeing her, i felt elated for a few seconds...
she smiled and i reciprocated.

even though it was just a glance of her before she turned away doing her things, i managed to calculate a few things and registered them in my head.

she wears a very tired look. It is as if she is so beaten up with things in her life lately. Or maybe, its is merely a facade of someone with sleepless night after endless torrential arguments...

i miss her, sure i do. But things happen... I do not wish i could turn back the time because it would be futile. It was a blow when i knew i wasn't that person she can rely on anymore...
If it has to be this way, so be it. I can only pray the best for her...

and as we parted, i realize
she doesn't sound too familiar anymorel...

string puppets...

2008-07-09T05:06:00.007+08:00

Have you ever felt how does it feel like being a puppet?

or, worse still, when you finally come to a realization that you have been one for the longest time...
while not coming up front to tackle and find an answer to that dull continuous irk. that inability to set free and feels like you are under the control of another person will eventually and slowly eats up your conscience or feed on your soul...

String puppets were very famous. In fact Pinocchio was made based on the concept puppet. Only difference, he walks talks mocks rocks without those string and he has wooden limbs, nose, face, lil' john(LOL) and head with only a tuft of hair covered by his large red hat.

That was literally being a puppet.

But being a puppet on the inside is just horrible.
One loses sense of purpose, loses graceful strike of efficiency and sometimes even feels brainless or heartless.
It is as if one is merely on the stage of puppetry of their own life only to realize things could be done to undo the manipulative scene.

One of the famous writer once quote:
"There are many advantages in puppets. They never argue. They have no crude views about art. They have no private lives."

What about the Pupeeter? Good vs. Bad?
A good master is always bad. Nice master who isn't just a master but a thoughtful friend and hero who saves the day doesn't just end there.
Because sadly, someone who heaves the position of a MASTER has to fulfill the all the criterias.
Hence a master is also someone i shall define as a person is unable to resist of the devil's offer...

There is a story of a girl, a girl living as a puppet inside who once told me how it feels like being one. The emotional war she has to go through occasionally when there is an event to cater for. She worked her way to her master's heart. And she is a very important person. Or at least she was made to believe so. Her master constantly praised her and told her that she is just like his right arm.

So, days, weeks, months and years gone by and she still lived in a deception...
She is now some one who she wasn't. She thought she was contented but she wasn't...
She was bleeding inside. Aching to be someone, waiting for each sunrise to tell her who she is...

Eventually, she left the master. Without any signs of hatred, she sets off before the light of dawn crack the deep purple morning sky.
Looking forward to new hopes awaiting in the next valley she stumbles upon, bearing tears of triumph, she walks away from those she has been living with for almost one decade of her life...

Has she successfully severe the strings that were attached to her mind, heart and soul...?
Let us see whether i meet her again... so she can continue on where she has left...

"Sometimes life seems to pull us along on strings, tugging us this way and that. It can get confusing, leave you feeling out of control. Sometimes its a matter of becoming animated all on your own and yanking the strings down. And then sometimes it is about being made to do a little dance to amuse the children."

diary of missing bf...

2008-05-27T11:55:00.003+08:00

my last post dated back to 24th of February '08
a long way back, when i was still living with my bf which i missed the most now, complaining how my life in India would finally come to an end AND enduring all the sleepless night arranging, packing, sealing and biting each others head off while packing. It's a normal thing. That is what couple do to pass time - FIGHT.

Then comes the nice part of making it up, saying sorry, doing the dovey lovey thingy which i should just save it for myself.

He then took an earlier flight home on the 29th of February.Gahh~ I mish every bits of gf-bf war and most importantly I mish HIM!

5 days later, I waved my final goodbye to the land of India. I remember taking Bubble out and was cruising along the Manipal roads one last time on the night before my flight... It was really sorrowful, yes at least to my soul. However, as the plane touches the Malaysian ground and the voice of captain was soothingly projected through the PA system of the plane welcoming me home, the feeling of elation followed short. Not because i would be seeing my grumpy ol' man daddy whom i quarreled on the phone the night in Bangalore airport but to the thought of a beginning of a new chapter of life.

I wasn't expecting to see bf in the airport. Because he previously told me he would not be in town till the end of week. To my utmost surprise and disbelief, he appeared out of nowhere from within the buzzing expectant crowds in the arrival hall. Handing me 3 beautifully bloomed big ass roses. *imaginary kiss kiss to imaginary bf* I actually didn't know how to react. One-because I was anticipating the continuation of verbal war with my dad
Two-i was too shallow with expression on how to face a surprise visit from bf in airport. *blush*

We had another pre-marital honeymoon session for one month. Of all the many crazy things we did, i will never forget how the both of us triggered his house alarm at the wee hour of morning.
>_______<
WHY? It is a story for next time.

It is time to say byebye~ *mariah carey new song sings in the background* Only 2months had passed since the day i saw him being transported down on the escalator that draw a margin of those who are going on planes and those whose job is to tear, wail, hug and slap that all-the-best mark at the back of the person leaving. No, i didn't cry of course. I am a strong woman ok! Actually I did, secretly with him after giving him our kiss that has to last for the next 5months. T_______T

Missing a person is bad enough. Missing everything you do with that person is the worst.
I have been compelled to blog and pour my heart out ever since i started class in Malacca. But only until today i managed to sit down and typed out my messy train of thoughts.
I kept myself busy or tried to be busy to distract me from drowning in the misery at least during the day. At night the situation just heartily got magnified 20x like my fellow friend new SLR camera. So clear it hits me so damn hard in my heart and shatter the protection glow i have been building all day long!!! Thfff~ Waterwork would start-stop-start-stop until my body water level reaches critical insufficient water storage level. Sigh.....

Anyways, it didn't work for the first week, and as second week arrived, i got the hang of it.

Seriously, i am so thankful that we have internet in this era. I CANNOT imagine life without this virtual communication touch. No webcam, no IM, no skype. I wouldn't wanna be writing a letter and then post it through the cooing dove service that fly across seas and against tornado then takes another eons of years to reach the other side of the world. Sumore la we are talking about reaching INDIA. Those people might just grabbed my letter and wipe their buttocks after a business in the loo. Who knows right? *shakes head*

So, we see each other. All the time. He even calls whenever, wherever and that really is super sweet OK! I know he wants to minimize the effect of long distance. And i know indirectly he is telling me he misses me all the time. I am silently glad... So glad my grins are so random sometime it carved my blank face when i think about him.

Recently. Very recent infact, say like the past few days, i have been missing him badly. So bad that created an imaginary JH. WTF~
Time is ticking so fucking slow! URGH! It has only been 2 months. I have 3 friggin months to pull myself through. OH-MY-GOD~~~~~~ How la... how la... I am deprived of a good relationship here! Do something al mighty GOD!

I am tired of blogging already. *yawns*
I need sleep. Zonked~

2008-02-24T11:45:00.003+08:00

as i see him marched off, heading to his last battle, i just cant help feeling that agony arising from the bottom of my heart up...
and slowly, a miniature bag of tears were formed threatening to summon more of their own kinds...

i am as totally exhausted as he is. maybe a little lesser.
it wasn't a smooth 3 weeks for both of us.
i have been denying the truth that we are not going to be spending time like how we used to do so for the past 6 months...

loneliness... for a year, i am dreading
back to independence. everything isn't going to be the same anymore...
i am so used to wake him up when i can't find my bike key early in the morning
he wakes up every morning to kiss me goodbye no matter how sleepy headed he feels
coming back home from the tiring postings each day, he would joyfully awaits me with him standing on the doorway when he hears my scooter puffing a distance away
and i am going to miss the way he holds my hand warmly and hug me to sleep every night

i wished things were different. i wish...

i love you my dearest and i will miss you...

tonight, my heart speaks...

2008-02-10T23:53:00.001+08:00

I have known this for as long as i was no longer a loner that walks this planet earth...

But I have never felt it as much as i do today...

Because, my entire life evolve around my other half...
my schedule cannot be extended or altered much because i plan everything with him in it...

I am not complaining...
I just regret i do it only one way...

Tonight.., i cannot even think of anyone i can even ring up or invite to dine with me.
Just because i don't have such friends anymore
Just because i made him my only friend, my only soul mate
Just because longer am comfortable with anyone else
Just because i will be awkward with others
Just because everyone else has walked their path...
Just because there isn't such thing call a best/good friend
Just because experience hasn't brought me till today...
I am truly upset but i can only tear inside...

or maybe...
maybe just because i am reluctant to ask
Because i am too egoistic...

I no longer is capable of keeping up with the word "friendship"

i wish i was back home in malaysia...
i can call people close to my heart, if i still have them...
i dont know why but i somehow miss vjay...maybe he can relate to me?
sigh...

...affected...

2008-01-28T00:38:00.002+08:00

I have been blog hopping ever since 2 days ago. When i blog hop, i think alot too. It just gets my brain juice flowing...
Somehow, i can relate myself to other people's life through their everyday stories and then figure out things i fail to fathom alone...
Also everytime i finish reading, i get inspiration to blog blog and BLOG!! But, (there is always a but in everything nowadays, right?) sigh... But, whenever i sign into blogspot and arrive at the dashboard, i click the post button routinely and HALT. I find myself staring at the blank screen and the cursor goes blink-blink-blink along with my eye lids. I do this 99 out of 100 times i try to blog!

GAWR.......

Let me see, what have been bothering me lately....

Anyone came across the devastating accident that occur in North South highway which took away lives of 3 innocent individuals...?
www.nst.com.my/Saturday/National/20080126080752/Article/index_html
One of them is a girl age 21 years old, a first year medical student from UNSW, Down Under who was happily traveling to KL to meet up with the love of her life... While looking forward for a wonderful summer vacation, her life has to be taken away from her just like that...
*double sigh...*
Coincidentally she is Wen Bin's best friend's girl... He went to her funeral... Pay his last respect and what else is left but memories...?
A few of my friends are somehow related to her in one way or the other as well. Khai Meng, Yu wei and Kok thong are friends with her.

Tell me how CAN i not relate to her? Tell me. I dont know her personally, but i feel her lost deeply. Call me emotional or WEIRD. -_____-

I went through her blog page... She sounds like just like one of us... Doing the routine thingy: ranting about class, assignments, lecturers and homesick. Ever so excited to go back to home land and taste all sorts of Malaysian food she had been deprived of. Counting the days to meet her boyfriend she has not met for ages.

I couldn't help but imagine if that happened on me...
There would be so many things left unsaid, undone, underachieved...
What will happen to my family, my lovely bear and my dearest friends...?
I guess life has to go on for them...but how?
*blank*
Anyways, Rest In Peace Nian Ning... =)

Rahool-ed

2008-01-22T19:44:00.001+08:00

I got my menstrual today which explains my hormonal imbalance that resulted in my punctured mood the whole afternoon.

I am less pissed now. Bet its my room aroma. It calms me down. Yes it does!

My current display name on msn reads:
"let me be the first to declare dat I DISLIKE RAHUL sampah tong despite the fact dat the whole world adores him!"

To hell with those who are willing to lick his shoes clean. I don't care.
Because to me, he looks like a gorilla. Yeap, that creature with two huge nostrils!!
He probably thinks he's extremely good looking.
*barf*
I don't deny the fact that he is very good in teaching. I personally had praised him. I enjoy-ED his class. I us-ED to like him (NOT ADORE).
But i never once think he is good looking. Maybe he is charming. M...a...y...b...e....

However today, his charm barely impressed and interest me, for the curse of P.E.R.I.O.D (pun intended) in every women that arrives each month with or without warning sign holds a greater role in carving that smile in a woman.

His words were a bunch of jargons.
His demonstrations weren't in any corner of my field of sight as they were obstructed by a pair of flexed knee!
I lost him halfway through.
Imaginations were the only guidance.

He appeared more and more like a gorilla as the seconds' arm of my clock tick-tocked. Started from distortion of his two wide canal in between his two gradually shrunken cheeks. Layers and layers of frowns creases across his forehead. Two flappy ears enlarged even more. Lastly, I swear i saw coarse hairs growing out of his flesh...

I found a picture of moi boy imitating a RAHUL. oops, i mean GORILLA.

:: i caught him red-jacketed before he embarked the swan boat ::

:: swan, sunset, lake and the both of us... (18/01/2008) ::

2 years already?!

2007-11-07T03:56:00.003+08:00

"Welcome back owner! It has been eons of seconds..."

it is pretty late...
ever since Karkala posting ended, I stopped living healthy (eat and sleep wise)
tonight is another one of those late nights...

as i was flipping through albums searching for an appropriate Malay song i can sing in Lagenda (an event huge enough to come up next to Utsav) , anywayz i stubbled upon a video...

A video that stores endless memories...
A video that is capable to make my tears come rolling
A video only 4 minutes, but enough to transport me back to those moments.
A moment long lost in the labyrinth of new events...

My chest used to swell tight with hope and dream to sing!
Sing other than in the bathroom cubicle. Stand on a bright spot-lit stage. Soar along with cheers and shouts from the audience. But it never came until...
Until one summer in 2005...

I never perform a song before in my entire life be it birthday functions or wedding dinner. Neither have i took part in any singing competitions. But i knew that deep within me, the vocal system was earnest to let loose, to let the whole world know what my vocal cord can achieve.
Yet i do not know what makes me gave my name to sing in such a huge event compared to my standard. I am even amaze now with my confidence then.

Now, comes the part which inflict the emotions in me tonight...
Along with a positive changes within me, the video is also embedded with my first ever love that finally withered, my first ever friendship with a Chinese that bitterly fades off... (yeah yeah, i was an anene, i used to be swarmed by Indians, i talk, i act like them. It was a great time... well, thats another story of one of my glorious years. BTW I AM NOT RACIST DEI! )

The tension tug war of the rope snapped. It gave in to the tautness of two opposite views upon our life, decisions and principles. I guess it was nobody's wish. I still sit back sometimes and reflect upon our friendship. How it used to be, how many silly lil fights we got into, how we crawled outta a war field, how one night at Mc D can set to rays of new beginning (i cant help it but be proud to have such story that can be told to my children next time, cheesy yet real). And how for others, an abrupt turn took place again leading us into adventure that brings our distance further away...

However, we are both settled, happy and probably near contended with how our lives had brought us through the thick mist of uncertainty. I just hope that one day we can sit under a durian tree and shoot dramatic speeches at each other again, then laugh our bare gums off into the horizon. Hehe, I still love you...
Plus she always tell me that she never believe in eternity goodbyes.

"Love is blind"
Oh yeah, I am referring to the girlfriend and boyfriend love. Not the family, friends, pets, gadgets, food kinda love!
Now that I am standing within the radius of love-dovey boundaries, do i still look at the phrase the same way as i used to 2 years back?
I guess not. For i believe strongly and CAN SHOUT CONFIDENTALLY that there is someone meant for us! If he hasn't arrived, WAIT! FUCKING WAIT till he comes and blind you with his shining armor! Be it his armor is used to hide his fugly appearance or to protect him from his pussy-fying attitude. JUST WAIT!

OMIGOSH! It does happen. You don't just love someone without the first impression especially look. Then slowly, attitude, similarities, interests and desires will set in to burn the flickering fire of love ALIVE. And lets be truthful, u cant be so blind to accept someone outta your league ok!? So love ain't blind. WTF WTF WTF!

However much i detested people telling me that the right man will find you when the right time comes, I used to NOT bother about the assurance everyone seems to have with my love life and my prince charming when it is MY love life and prince charming to start with. And i alwayz alwayz alwayz put a deaf ear to the Ya-da ya-da ya-da.
Apparently and miraculously, they are right afterall. Thhfff~

So i would like to thank this particular someone who allowed me to think out of the box achieving another milestone in life. Let's call him ermm... Mushie? He ended the curse that held me from the noun, verb and proverb of relationship. It was short but nevertheless sweet. That is to fall in love and go dating while holding hands.
Nah, i'm not talking about jimmy bear. =P (Bibit dun be jealous k? Ling still sayang u~~~)

In a nutshell, tonight's entry is utterly and purely random. Good night.

Dr. Sexy Tan
(3am)

Summary

2007-09-05T14:22:00.001+08:00

and so, i am finally back in Malaysia after being retained in Ghandhi land for the whole year.
At the first glimpse of my parents, realization hits me like a thunderstruck that they have actually aged so much. In just a year. The creases and lines on their face are more spreading looking more pronounced. sigh....

and so, i have recovered from the stomach infections which made me felt like i was struck with combo of gastritis+pregnancy(nausea la. wtf)+diarrhea+rectal prolapse for a week. Missed an alcohol drinking session.

and so, i made it through 2nd year. I can proudly say i am a 2/5 doctor now. Dr.sexy tan! Barely scraped through (i think) but proud that i am a playful medical student. Proud that i dont study my arse completely off like the majority.

and so, i met Ariel after 2 years of saying goodbye... That bratz!!! It was a real shocker when he turned up in the yum char session. Gosh i was exhilarated. *screams high pitch* Went out for our usual get together session just da 3 of us : porky, fishy and cowie. Man, it felt so darn good.

and so, i was apart from baby bear for almost a week already... Miss him sooo much.
*snuzzles virtually*

sense of déjà vu ...

2007-08-17T09:09:00.001+08:00

I have finally ALMOST reached the end of the rollercoaster journey of medical second year's University examination.

*phewww~*

While studying, for pharmac paper to be precise, I decided to take a break with the phone camera after being dipped in a deja vu sensation. Thought it would be fun to capture the flash. =P

:: this is the exact scene of my déjà vu ... ::

Nico Robin sings

2007-07-31T08:57:00.001+08:00

latest song in my Japanese music library.
By Yamaguchi Yuriko
Title : My Real Life

soothing song to accompany midnight oil burning...
ENJOY!~

Candy Story #2

2007-07-30T05:37:00.001+08:00

me: why are you puckering up your face? ( while smooching him)

he says: (open eyes and unpursed lips)
to get the maximum sensation from one of the senses, you got to block the rest.

me: uh-huh~ (killer stare)

he says: it is true wert?
when u wanna eavesdrop, you close your eyes and concentrate.
when you wanna detect a waft of an unknown aroma in the air, you don't open your mouth wert? ( matter-of-fact look. *eye brows jumping*)

me: (higher magnitude of killer stare and head-smack *kerrrrpowww*) =P

in another occasion...

me: S-T-U-D-Yla! tommorow test!

he says: i am wert... (while fiddling my right ear)

me: and what are you doing? (pointing at his fingers)
thought you said you gotta block the rest of the senses when you wanna concentrate in one?

he says: (show tongue)
see, in this case, it is different. When you are dealing with brains neurons, the more combo of senses employed, the better you remember! That is why reading aloud when you are studying helps you remember better.
So in this case, i can (continue disturb-disturb-disturb ear)

me: ... (speechless)

p/s: things to do when study has reached its limit - BLOG! WTF~ I am moving so slow......
Sue still hates pharmacology

Candy Story #1

2007-07-29T07:12:00.001+08:00

i was still asleep when i heard my door squeaked.

it was definitely after 9 in the morning because bi had left for classes the last time i checked... (head still in between pillows)

with the best energy i could conjured upon my 100 mega-pounds heavy eyelids, i forced open two slits to minimize the filtration of light into my pupils...

i saw bii...
he smiled.
i reciprocated with my damn cresentic looking moon eyes.
you know like the McDonald's logo?
he kissed me. i kissed him too.
then i felt myself swimming back into dreamland... *literally*

woke up later and noticed i was alone.

Duh~ I felt strange of course. And i laughed to myself,
"It must have been a dream.A pleasant one. It is a Thursday anyways, his class wont be done till 12.30"

Anyhow, i sent him a message to confirm my confusion and heres the reply:

"Bii got class somemore ler, till 1230 today.. went back to kiss darling only"

i went WTF?
Next thing that came to my mind: it was 10 o'clock just now huh?
hehe... Priceless. Moment money can't buy...
Awww~ Schoo schweet.. and Bi, i heart you.
On the contrary, I HATE PHARMACOLOGY.
It is fucking 5 am. The Zahur musical has started echoing from a distant away...

*yawns*

my beloved...

2007-07-26T06:14:00.001+08:00

Coconut, my beloved puppy passed away. I was really attached to her. Eventhough it was probably a one sided thing... *sigh*

She was about 2months old... A cute cuddly and pretty dog she was. Would have grown up looking really dashing as a mongrel. Like her mother.

:: one night before the misfortune...coconut and biscuit- LOOK! LOOK! She was resting on her mum...How adorable! ::

I miss her...
I miss the way she would scurry to me when i brought her some tit-bits ie: tiger biscuits and goodlife milk...
I miss the way she sniffled my toes and rounded my feet aimlessly when i stood still.
and I miss the way she *cabut* when i tried to scare her...

I miss those moments when I came down and hang around her and her siblings after long hours of head racking studying hours.

:: the 3 of them sleeping soundly in the basket they were stuffed in while we did some monsoon-cleaning ::

Now, only the memories of her and her siblings are left.

She was knocked down by a car... Still a baby, an innocent one. She wasn't aware of the danger of moving vehicle. *cries...* It must have been really an agony.

Peanut, a brown one which looks like the mother and Donut, a darker male were both kidnapped few days before the appalling incident happened...

:: donut ::

:: peanut - she was trying to escape the basket! >.< :: The last glance i had of her, she was tilting her head in the most adorable manner... As if she was asking me where was i going leaving her behind. I was on my bearbear's bike going back home... And while after that, the insolent driver committed such unforgivable sin!!!!! I didn't know about the incident till the next evening... After she breathed her final goodbye... I will continue missing you... :: R.I.P coconut...::

2007-07-18T16:33:00.001+08:00

Transformers is way to good!
Another masterpiece from Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg.

Go watch go watch. I am speechless.

in another realm

2007-07-16T13:42:00.001+08:00

when he cries... it felt as if those were my tears...
the hurt is more empowering than those i've scraped through myself...
probably it was just the ache of one person then...
and because i finally have understood those who choose to contain their sorrow within the soul, lock them from the rest of the world as if the related issues do not exist.

"unhappiness heaved only by one person is simplier and less complicated," says him

frankly, i never seemed to agree to that statement. it seems ridiculous! who would wanna beat your own self and bleed to death alone? Worse still, nobody realize that you are dead.

standing on the surface of earth, confronting the eye of solar system, she said a prayer. a gratitude for the blessing that has fallen upon her...

on the contrary to the tranquil morning that has just set in, she is full of hatred and vengeance. A feeling she cannot explain. A state of mind which has tainted the constructive and bubbly self she is on the outside. She wishes for the worst to those in her black book. She hopes for cruciatus curse to fall upon every one who has snipped a part of his life away from him...

Nobody can hear her. The bitterness in her voice is inaudible to those insensitive low-lives!
Sometimes she hope she could be be just like any common person. To blame others at any given time. For by doing this, the fire in her wouldn't licked and burnt down every positive thoughts she ever perceived on friends! Because by accusing others, it will quench the satisfaction of injustice she hope someday will be justified.

with the unsurmountable volatile emotional commotions parading in her thoughts, she has also discovered the unperturbed and secluded ripples somewhere inside her...
she knows she has made the right choice. she has been showered with gift not everyone gets everyday. for she has settled down on a sacred land and she has dug out treasure no money can buy.

she smiles... after drawing in a long deep cup of air. slowly she turns around only to realize he was standing all the while behind her observing her contrast against the saffron and golden honey-coloured sky...

see, this is the invisible support she has always needed. she made an oath upon her life that she will be the crutch when he is paralysed, and the shoulder for support when he cries again...

this doesn't account to much senses if one use logics and facts to calculate. so be it. please do not comment on my incomprehensible post.
he is bestowed with patience that can rival the strongest ship travelling in a storm. he wears the toughest shield that can reflect most sharp and stinging animosity. This is him. The hero within.

unlike some...

2007-07-11T01:30:00.001+08:00

It is getting depressing.

The weather. The blog. The environment. The mates. And the person herself.

Where is that bit of hope someone is suppose to catch when things are getting out of hand?

I am very emotional today. Especially when i woke up. Finding myself in the dark. Without lights. Without the warmth that usually surrounds.

I cannot let go... Cannot let go of so many things... I am in a mess right now. How am i suppose to talk about it when i don't even know what is it?

When i hope sleep will carry my discontentment into dreamland. When i hope by the time i open my eyes, every hazy thoughts will be cleared. When i hope, by inducing tears, all the misery will be washed away along with the emotional drainage system...

They were futile hopes! Useless.
I am too naiive to understand my surroundings. Every situations seemed to be magnified. ENLARGED! Larger then life!

Feeling appalled.

Flickers of fire

2007-07-10T05:01:00.001+08:00

When words are nicely strewn on a pretty and emotional Hallmark card, they bring positive humongous effect to the receiver...

But.

When nasty words are are used without cautious.
When they are tossed over to you.
When you are least expecting them.

It feels like you have taken those words like catapulted fire stones bombarded to you... Not only it hurts my pride as an individual. It hurts my feminine shadow of me (which i rarely groomed upon). Now that the result has even shaken that side of me, I think it must be a huge sin! A guy whom I considered a friend to spatter such crude and despicable without weighing the consequences of such action, has gone way over my limit of toleration!

YOU think just because you are one measly emotional sucker, you are granted a golden ticket to commit such atrocity???!!! You step on my tail and i will stomp on ur face!

Man.... You really disappoint me... You have hurt me greatly... I remember... I may forget but fail to forgive...

Owh well, it is just tragic isnt it?
Drama queen is back. The urge to blog has resurfaced after such a long long long hibernating season....

Virginity is like a rare chocolate... wtf~

2007-07-09T10:24:00.001+08:00

It is eight in the morning... Day break has finally penetrated the menace of cumulus clouds about two hours back which have been threatening to give away random raindrops.... ME HATES MAN-nipple weather!!!!!

Nah~ I hear no rooster barking. Only Biscuit (sexy biatch who gave birth to 4 cuties) crowing... No birds hissing. Only some weird six legged freaks chirping. *sweat*

Alright, it must be the overnight studying schedule. Sigh... With the amount of notes I've consumed, i think i can pass with flying shooting colours for a sleek A1-grade Pathologist!

Anyways, as I was tossing, flipping and barbequeing my brains hoping for the impact and heat to open more pores so that those crappy facts diffuse faster and bulkier into the memory cells, something sprang up from the back of my ~~back~~ brain!!!! Well, maybe i was a lil bit distracted and all with bear sleeping a few feet away from me but nevermind that...

So, what is virginity? Now that I am no longer single and no longer fighting for the live-life-as-single motto as well as no longer conjuring strike to go against lovey dovey couple, I started wondering about it. Then i took a 5min break which ended up as 30min break to check it out. Key-ed on google search "virginity". Whole list of funny funny sites regarding my request ~~poop-ed~~ poppedup (sounds cool- po-pe-dup). ^^

Any-fukin-ways, i came to this website (http://teenadvice.about.com) and voila!! satisfied my hunger for the weirdest question at the weirdest hour.

Cautious: long article ahead. Read only if your are really free. *yawns*

*cut n' paste*

___________________________________________________________________

What does it mean to lose your virginity?

In the strictest term; you are a virgin until you've had sexual intercourse with the member of the opposite sex. But this definition leaves a lot of people out of the loop. While the social policy makers look to redefine marriage to include same sex partnerships, maybe it is time we also revisited what it means to be a virgin.

When we think of virgins, we think of "white wedding innocents" who define sex as a synonym for gender. But the fact is, the standard definition of virginity lets you get away with having a lot of different kinds of sex was still being able to call yourself a virgin. In theory, under the traditional definition of virginity, someone who is homosexual can have sex every day and still be a virgin. Someone who has oral sex regularly is also still a virgin. Does that really make sense? Something is a miss!

The whole narrow definition of virginity is in desperate need of a rewrite. Who better to do it than the first generation of new millennium teens? What does "losing your virginity" mean to you? Is it a state of mind or a specific act? Is it something that can be taken from you, or does it only count if you willingly give it away? When does "fooling around" end and "having sex" begin?

When considering "the new definition", think about these situations and ask yourself how they fit in to the meaning of virginity.

Is someone who is raped or molested no longer a virgin?

Is actual intercourse the only act that counts when determining ones virginity?

If you willingly engage in other intimate sexual acts but do not have intercourse, is it fair to still consider yourself a virgin?

How would you define losing your virginity if you were/are homosexual or bisexual?

Is being a virgin based on your feelings, what you do, or is it a combination of both?

Is there an emotional component to losing your virginity, meaning if you have sex but don't feel anything is different about you, does it count?

Is the current definition of virginity, and all the social stigma attached to it, biased toward girls? Is this right?

Does the current definition of virginity exclude homosexuals? Is this right?

Is virginity subjective (based on how the individual views themselves and what they do) or objective (how the situation is viewed by others on the outside)?

Formulate a definition and then share it with others, let's see what we can come up with.

HERE is the interesting part:

"I propose that virginity is twofold. I think there is an emotional virginity and a physical virginity. I think that to truly no longer be a virgin you must give up both the emotional attachment to your virginity and engage in physical acts of sex.

In my "definition", any intimate sex act which involves nudity and stimulation with the goal of orgasm counts as sex. I think nudity and stimulation are the "points of no return", not penetration. Regardless of whether that act is heterosexual or homosexual in nature, if you share your body with another person, or if you give pleasure to another person that involves orgasm or intends to cause orgasm, you have had sex.

I also feel that virginity is not something you "lose" or something that is "taken", but something you share with another person, like a rare chocolate or a once in a life time sunset.

If you haven't given it, it doesn't completely count as being gone.

I think that people who are raped and or molested are still virgins in the emotional sense even if their body has had sex. They have not stopped "being" a virgin, nor have they experienced the emotions that go along with giving ones body to another. If it is taken from you, although it may physically be sex, I don't think that it is fair to tell you you are no longer a virgin. You may still feel as if you have not had sex, you may still view sex with naivety. Being victimized should not force you to live with a label you neither wanted nor asked for. Virginity is not something we passively lose, non-virginity is something we deliberately choose to take."

___________________________________________________________________________________

As for me, I obviously like this dude's reply. Kewl eh?! Rare CHOCS...I'll make that RARE VODKA!

In a nuttyshell, I have lost my emotional virginity.... =(

My new hobby

2007-06-25T01:49:00.001+08:00

I am not only in love with Jimmy Bear!
I AM NOW so TOTALLY entirely wholly deeply in love with Gwen Stefani.

Never heard of her?
Urgh, please rewind back to 90's hits and listen to "Don't Speak" by No doubts.
Yuppie! Thats her, the lead singer!
I nominate her for the award : Queen of fusion of pop and R&B

Heres a new song for the Man-Nippleans to indulge in...
Dr. Sexy Tan is dipped and drowned in '4 in the morning' (click to listen and dl the song)
Heres the video =D

Indulgence... Btw, shes 37 years old. And still HAWT!

He is sick

2007-06-10T06:00:00.001+08:00

Jimmy Bear is sick sick sick.
Down with fever. Mild cough and mild weakness.
Nothing too serious but I feel horrible. T.T
So, I dragged him to the ever famous Kasturba Hospital for a blood test.

The lab attendant withdrew his blood from cephalic vein instead of median cubital vein. That means MMMC practicals are sometimes a lil bit mengada. Stresses so much on just median cubital vein. Cheh~

Will be getting result tomorrow.
His body temperature is still elevated though he claims that hes feeling healthier.

Poor fella.

I am feeling feverish too. Probably lack of water consumption and heavy dose of patho+micro+pharm.

I Just Robbed My Life From Me.

2007-06-04T16:28:00.001+08:00

Things in my mind currently (like right now?):

1. End of 3rd block exam.
Or so I declared... There is one last forensic paper to go. Too tired for it. Thought i would hear myself cheering. But no, I am totally wasted. I felt like I have shouldered two machine guns while marching up a slope. Oh well, I did "tembak" alot alot alot! It was war of the brain cells.
There were two school of thoughts: TRUE / FALSE.

2. I've just hopped from one to another every possible friends blog sites i could possibly access.
A lil bit disturbed. So many things happened. So lil time ticked away. Am i stationary or what?
Or have I speed too fast that when I'm finally slowing down, I reach nowhere?
Ok, I'm feeling random. Bet its the exam power vacuum which sucked my juice of life right under my nose. (from my mouth lar)

3. Why do I feel distant from almost everyone?
Have I reserved myself a lil too much? I know not... This doesn't feel right but I don't have the will to any make amend.

4. Have I reached another important turning point along my life?
Well, maybe I've taken the turn without even noticing it earlier. I'm miles away from the turn now. So, there's just zero point to turn my back for a peek.

5. I have changed. I have changed. I treat people differently now. I see things from a different view. And people treat me differently too. It's weird. But again I am not too bothered. Maybe not now. Why ah?

6. Life is boring when I don't spread my wings and fly... But how to soar when I'm tied down by so many responsibilities? No, im not talking about the responsibility of fnishing my SDLs, PBLs, CBLs or ILs. The past is still loitering around.

7. My life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and make that another gazillion times more) uneventful!
No more clubbing.
No more dressing up.
No more shopping.
No more speeding in my Deadly Kenari.
No more walking in high heels.
No more mini skirts.
No more hairdos.
No more flirting.
No more changes.
No more LIFE.

*static sound appearing from nowhere*

I think im gonna wilt like the plant outside at my balcony soon. I feel like the dead being brought to live in a life not meant for me. Zombified. *ZONK*

Perhaps, she was right. I am in Med school... MAD SChool! And im eventually turning mad!

" I JUST ROBBED MY LIFE FROM ME"

Series of Pissifying Events

2007-05-28T16:30:00.001+08:00

As far as I remembered, I woke up from the right side of the bed.
But why is it I was tailed by series of unfortunate also pissifying events since the moment I stepped out from the house?!

1. My not-so-wonderful-and-gloomy day took off with my imbecile scooter not wanting to start. I tried really hard and long to activate the damned fucked up machine.
WHY AM I CURSING SO MUCH?
Because I just took it out from Bajaj's Centre (well known for its status as the international money sucker) who just leeched a total of 1200 rupees claiming that my battery and spark plug have been renewed.
So, as I was fuming away, I had to press the knob of electric starter, pulled the choker's trigger (felt like i almost broke it) and ramming the accelerator at the same time while hanging on to the brake so that the stupid bike wouldn't suddenly fly onto the road IF it miraculously woke up. DAMN.
If all those aren't enough to get my torso occupied, I finally had to kick start with all the above actions still implemented! *tears hair off head*
I was already late to class. 5minutes to class when i left the house, and with my scooter cooking up its attitude, I had ZERO time to lose. Felt like bursting out when I couldn't feel any Indian rupees in my jeans. OH CRAP!
................
Good enough, Ming planned on attending the class. I followed him. (he was late too lar...)

-see rainy season doesn't offer good prospects! Not even to me, an idealist who loves rain...-

2. Since I didn't have an umbrella with me, I was praying hard to Manipal's God of Rain in class not to release the sinister downpour. I have been a real good girl the past few days, no?
Yeah! Damn right! He obviously didn't give two shits about the measly lil girl who so badly wanted to walk to main ICICI bank about 500 metres away!
Nah... I wasn't silly enough to let the rain soaked me! That would made the God of Rain laugh his teeth off! I chose to wait till someone offered me a shade. Khairun was really sweet.... Thank you love =) Got an oto and went to the bank. The counter attendant was a biatch! Someone's gotta teach them office people some manners and probably a real hardcore and intensive lesson on HOW-TO-SMILE-YOUR-32-yellow-teeth to your customers!! Useless black skinned creatures!

3. Next on my eruption sequence-the dumb-fucked oto driver! To get to Swarnagiri Apartment (apparently it means Gold Mountain in their Hindi Language), I was nice enough to tell him to use the shorter way to get there before he made the U-turn to take an even LONGER route. BUT NO! Instead of thanking me while kneeling down and kissing my dirty, smelly, muddy and torn sneakers, he barked back at me:
"Take one big round, no?" And when any oto driver spits such words outta their Halitosis mouth it only means ONE THING! That is surcharge of $$$$$$$$$$$!!!! I paid 30 rupees in the end without any question. I was too beaten up to squeak anymore dissatisfaction! (20 rupees more I would have gotten to Udupi!)

Let me declare today as Indians condemning Day. Thus, any blacks who mess with me after this is sure going to bear the consequence of my earlier anger!

4. Upon reaching my house I was welcomed by my baby...He had to come down and pay my sucky smelly oto driver... Yeah, not a very romantic way to put it but who cares lar... (truly his smile does disintegrate my worries and grudges into ashes... However it, ONLY for less than a minute) Stomach strike began... I was so hungwie but I only manage to slouch into the kitchen... There I was thinking I would put myself at ease finally after feasting on the not so grand meal. Removing the lid of the pan, I was anticipating bottomless fried rice and VOILA! My stare was greeted with food enough to feed ONLY a pathetic sole refugee in WW2 concentrated camp. ARGHH!!!!!!! Immediately my temperature shoot up and I snapped!
Some insensitive people (whom i choose not to display HIS AND HER name because I am FUCKING SENSITIVE) do not know how to consider other's empty stomach while scooping for their 3rd servings! Ive had enough. This aint the very first time I was left with remnants of food like this!

Poor jimmy bear... He had to tolerate my mood swing from the moment i got back till he left for class... Sorry my dearest... I didn't mean it to let it all out on you... *hearts* And thanks for being there and embracing me throughout while sizzling off my wild inferno... ^^ Sigh...
I can never love anyone more... Love you.... <3

Only Love,
SueLyNn Tan... (14:57)
Currently listening to: Endless Rain -X japan

I was once a single Lingham

2007-05-03T21:37:00.002+08:00

I drop by to say a few things. =)

Announcing a good example life of a blogger once she is occupied *winks*. Officially, i am no more an active member of blogger. Blame him *points finger at jimmy bear*

And only as lately as today I realised blogging business is meant for singles! Oooo~ Singles who are spared with a lot a lot of extra free time. Yep, I am referring to myself 2months back. Recalling how it used to be having the excess handful of minutes and hours around, not knowing what i cud do with them.

But somehow, i managed to shove those free moments by camping in front of the laptop to be emotional about life, to think about the unthinkable, and to worry about the world. Haha.
Nowadays he is like my blog page now. A blog space with feelings and is able to advise, to comments and to give me a few pieces of his mind when Im at fault. *sulk*

I speak, I share, I giggle, I laugh, I gossip, I complain, I cry, I wail and I express myself all to him. Sigh~ Wonder when is he gonna get tired of such a whinner like me. XD Sounds pretty good eh! And Im also glad im not shy singing/ croaking in front of him. =D Well, thats what every "u-know" does, isnt it?

I just watched the latest episode of desperate housewives. I am too emotionally attached to the series that I am actually feeling upset for Susan Meyer when she has to choose between Mike and Ian. My eyes were so wet by the time Ian decided to walk away from Susan's life after a she made the hardest choice in her life to leave Mike, that is of course due to a certain issue. Huhu~ She loves them both, but she loves Mike a lil more... Awww~ *wipes tears off with a hanky*

Anwayz, lost my mood to continue blogging. Bearbear is back from bsb! Woots!
And oh yeah, i sucessfully whipped up a pot of green bean tong sui unburnt yesterday night! Kudos to me! ^^

d' sky is cloudy today...

2007-04-20T19:01:00.001+08:00

Here I am blogging again after a considerably long Hiatus. >.< style="font-style: italic;">Gengkai! Utsav (an anual big hit event which involves almost every resident on this lil intellectual hill top-Manipal) is just around the corner. *nods..nods...*
One more turn at the junction and we will reach there! Fck! Im so lame......... T.T

Since I'm in the 2nd senior batch after the lazy bum bum pig of btch 16, Tan and I are entrusted with piles and piles of paperwork, stage-work, "caht hai"-work (direct traslation: polish shoe in cantonese) and much kpc-work, we almost ended up being diagnosed with piles. FWT.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: I AM FREAKING BUZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYY!!!
*sad melancholy violin tune playing in the background*

There goes my whole of next week! Every single one who isn't sooo itchy-backside is gonna have HALF A DAY CLASS, whereas I have to be working my arse and piles off from 8am till 12am!!!! WTF!!!!!! *screams*

And ever since the day I was bestowed upon this infamous task as the CORE volunteer for Utsav, I have been feeling a lil not myself...Because I miss participating in events which require alot of practising for which I cannot sacrifice much time to dem... Events like the Vocal Hindi song with my group and even dancing... U know..., not being perasan lar, but being the sole Chinese on stage proudly serenading the Tempe crowd with their Bollywood song. Wudn't you feel good?

As I was watching those dancers practising today, I felt a stab in my heart... I wish I was one of them... *sigh*

To top it all of, I have to cabut my lower left wisdom tooth out! (the 3rd molar to be more specific) WHY? Because it is erupting in such a WRONG position! Threatening to collide and crash down the rest of my beautifully lined dental! Plus, the dentist found a n early stage of carries on my right 2nd Molar! URGH! How can I be so "sui"!

Enough of complaints.

P/s: I am growing fat too! My tummy can bounce slightly now! *grotesque! *

T.T
WAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSssssssssssssssssssss~ I dont want to grow fat!

Goa again~

2007-04-09T02:04:00.001+08:00

I just came back from a blast holiday in GOA! Its a getaway for trance music clubbers!

So, well this is my 3rd time in Goa... 2nd time there with Batch 16 friends. And MY VERY FIRST TIME IN a famous night club which only opens during the peak season- CUBANA.

:: take 1 -scorpion and not lobster this time ::

:: HERE LOOK! my first trip- scorpion cum lobster. Bah! ::

:: take 2 ::

:: Thorn among the roses =P ::

:: pre-clubbing self portrait ::

I was anticipating to go there, to see how great is that place and tell people how over-rated the place is! GRRRRrr. Nah~ It was alright, not too bad but not great either. Its on top of a hill, interior is just perfect for a romantic date, maybe hang out with girl friends for girl talks and have the whole night all to ourselves. Instead of cushions, divan, chair or table, they have beds-cum-table for their guests. KEWL, no?! Needless to say, I was totally wasted/drunk after 6 drinks of Screwdrivers (Orange juice mix with Vodka) The last cup, I downed the whole glass. And I only got to know later that the ratio of booze and the juice is 1/2 cup to 1/4 of juice. SUX MAN! No wonder I was beaten up so fast!

Slogan for the drink : "Drink screwdriver and screw everything else" However I got screwed lar, woke up in the morning in horrible throbbing headache and feeling nauseated for half of the day.

Apart from that, another fun thing we did in Goa was renting a car! Suzuki Maruti! COOLNESS K! My dream of actually driving a car on India's road came true! We girls rock! I ROCK THE MOST because I was the SOLE and sexy driver!

Mind you, it was a MANUAL car. A real experience to be driving among the indians. One thing funny about indians are they drive at night with high beam lighting.Obviously its not a kewl thing. but of course a challenge to any Malaysian.Plus, theres an interesting story that kicked in with the damn car. We got stuck for about 5 minute in the sand. Pathetic.

A bunch of girls freaking out in the car. And when we finally rammed our way out into the narrow road, about 1km or so, it FUCKING RAN OUT OF PETROL! Near the junction!!!!! I tell u, the most horrid thing that could ever happen back-to-back. Best part is, the guys warned us NOT to disturb them and only to call them IF AND ONLY IF we were involve in a situation of life and death. -.- USELESS guys. Thank god two hunks in jeep came down and offered to push the car aside and bought us petrol. Gosh... embarassing moment betul~

:: in the car, sorry about dat, i gotta look at the road still ::

On the 2nd day, we went for dolphins sighting. They are such adorable creatures! ^^
Sun-tanned. Ive turned a few notch darker.
P/s: I have two temporary tattoos done on me. =P (it is like a must-do thing in GOA: temp-tattoed.) Check mine out and locate them in some of the pics!

:: sexy siot~ XD ::

:: simon and i ::

:: "AWww~ aint we schweeet" *barf*
But hey, my dearest Jimmy bear! *snuggles* ::

:: da' gurls in Nishant Restaurant for breakfast ::

Both my favourite people~ Love..
:: same same pose - 1st time in Goa. My poser partner =P ::

:: us, sugin missing thou... ::

:: not-so-hawt babes ::

:: muax ::

:: ADIK ezyana yang cacat in Madgoan Railway station ::

In case u guys are wondering why I haven't been updating, I was on north india trip. Wait for the entry in my next post!

Updates.

2007-03-02T15:52:00.000+08:00

:: meEeEeEe ::

:: Kizzy (last woman standing), andeloo, charlz and mua ::

:: addition - Nic Ho ::
:: *pulls cheek* ain't she adorable -chipmunk ::

:: u tell me what were they doing urself -.- ::

:: tomato head ::

:: one DOWN ::

:: peace, =O ::

:: SMILES ::

:: Ho, ho, ho ::

In about 2 hrs time, I will be departing for the "anticipated" North India tour.
I don't sound all that excited, do I? Ha-ha.

That's because I'm still recovering from my post 2nd block examination party hangover. Not the greatest night when it comes to drinking but definitely a night worth noting down. Just a handful of us, gila-ing and getting wild with alcohol... Tskk~ Look at what medical school has done to us....

shit. no time to arrange. see u guys in one month! dis will probably be the last time im gonna hav the best shower for the next 3 weeks. North India! HERE I COME!!!!!!!

2007-02-28T09:47:00.001+08:00

Was it a mistake then, I decided not to trust anymore...?

...The Junction Of Night and Dawn...

2007-02-27T09:10:00.002+08:00

:: a scene from my apartment's balcony. been meaning to put it up, now its the right time ::

There are so much things going on in my head occasionally that I cannot pick on one to concentrate upon... Uneasiness that I thought I have let go..., resurfaced countless time. Issues that are a threat to the tranquility of my soul still keep reverberating along with the remnant of thoughts that jerk harder against my layers of head the more I try to let go...

I! want! to! get! the! ultimate! solution!
I want to reach the main chamber of answer. However, seeing myself fleeing through obstacles of multiple security systems set to reflect my direction towards it and to wall off the THING! I personally find it worse than running in circles in the labyrinth? At the very least then, I wud be moving without fear of what is awaiting me. Because, each steps I take now and then to finally move forward, something or someone will surely *POP* out of nowhere and reprimand me... Why is that?

*sigh*

W...h...y... my dear? WHY? You DO know how I feel for you. Why are you doing this to me? WHY?! (looks like I'm fond of the 2nd last of the 25 alphabets for the day! woots!) After what we have gone through, do you still want to make me suffer. Commonlar.... I dont wanna go through this ALL OVER AGAIN. It is indeed exhausting and exasperating.

"now common, be a GEWWWDDDD boy, *slap buttocks* go somehwere else and play..."

I've been complaining and complaining and complaining about the same old thing. Without fail, I failed again. More contaminated air is pumped into the already full tank. Nah, its not gonna erupt. It will only grow bigger-sideways.

*double sigh*

I'm sensing a feeble weak transduction rising from me. It is disorienting me more than anything right now. The question is, WHO DA HECK triggered the switch?! Damn you, you bloody idiot!

Also, I wish I could blog like normal blogger who bitch about their next door neighbours, makes the jester out of everything, talk about the most eventful event of an event and let every reader who reads my entry laugh their ass off everytime they come to the final fulstop.

Sowie-
But no, I fail in doing that too. Yeah, yeah, I sound like I am being too hard on myself.

Good gracious. Tell me what is wrong with me?!

Sue's Angel: Dearie... it is normal. Hormonal imbalance. It happens over the adolescence year.
Susu: Oh yeah? I dont exactly fall in that group of people anymore, do I? Yo?
Sue's DeviL: Life sucks. So WELCOME to HELL! *cackles away*
Susu: Hrrmmm... Its an idea. Brilliant but not D-A-T bright.

Dots.

Currently listening to RBD-Tu Armor

2007-02-25T02:33:00.002+08:00

"With great power comes a greater responsibility"

sounds familiar? Of course! Its depicted from the mutated dude who wears red-blue cobwebbed suit who flung himself around in the city.

Bah! Thats not the point.

As usual, I enjoy deviating from the main course.
Wonder when will I get lost and start following the map using an appropriate compass.
*here i go again*

"With great attention, comes a greater hollowness to be filled"

I'm beginning to suspect of my own doing. Talk about the devil in me eh...
It is time like this that you can't help where are those who you really call ~~friends~~ fair-weathered foes...
About seeing things in a more optimistic perspective, it just doesn't apply in every situational dilemma.

People do not care. People act like they don't. I act like that too. But deep down, residing in one corner of my pouch of emotion... its struggling hard to stay calm... With every beat, it grows a lil' more feeding on the loneliness, doubts that haunt the owner.

How come only I feel this way? Why do I have to expect so much from friends? I hate myself for feeling this way yet I cannot find any solution to this predicament. I tried telling myself, they do not appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I am nowhere significant in their life just as much as how much I prioritize them. Shows how much I am fond of them and in return, instead of getting the same treatment, I get the I-dont-care-what-shithole-you-drop-into attitude.

This isn't justice I am ranting about. Friendship comes with extra complimentary good that the receiver does not need to ask for or work for. Too bad, its human weakness to hope for the same thing she feels for. It is only normal. Only consolation I can resort to... What else can I do? Throw tantrum at them? Show them the right way they should treat a friend of a different gender?

It is alwayz me who finally have to give in. I give my best shot by making it easy for them. I act, I behave, I talk, I laugh like a male to a certain level. But reality doesnt alter the nature's course that I think, feel and has a heart of a fragile lady... It beats me badly whenever I think about this matter. It makes me feel so weak and useless.

*sigh..* Has been happening for a bit. Maybe I should just immunized myself with it.
Makes life so much less complicated.

SeReNiTy~

Balance?

From Wifey...

What-if person

automatism meh?

dear, miss mood...

matters of the heart

familiar echoes...

oxymoron feelings...

susu's quote of the day =)

num19...

no one understands...

unanswered questions...

Carpe Diem...

Life's surprises!

(self) Discovery Channel

*churns churns churns*

Shadow of the yesteryears...

in search of herself...

Issues with cheating. Wow!

Second chance in life everyday...

Life as we know it...

Pre-Battle #6

Battle #5

Gambatero!

Battle #4

Headed to war in the morning with freaking weird anthem : Justin Bieber's Baby.

Situation in the battlefield is worse today.

A lot more civilians were running around more than usual.

The rest of the shootings are history...Aims were pretty horrible today....

Battle #3

Successfully shot down a lot of people, but i am not sure if i hit the assailants or the bystander...

However, i feel more triumphant today!

Battle #2

I lost my way while heading to the battle ground.

Battle #1

I broke my sword. forgot my armor. fwt. -___-

Pre Battles

The beginning of the worst nightmare!Our last battle it is...So, raise our sword and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!Best of the best-est luck Batch 17! =))

Myriad WC Fifa Supporters

ignorance of a clock

a weekend to remember...

Mutilated feelings...

Emancipation...

in the realm of emptiness...

Shuey!

DF!

wonders...

a night to remember =)

similarities vs. coincidences

Tests of will-power

Waterpipe

8 days till 1095....

Reflecting: You or I?

Hollow

Remember Me?

i hear myself thinking loudly...

me & you

music as time machine

Knock Me Down...

life recession?

a Recap

FUDGE OFF!

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

If i were a boy...

Labour

Kentang-vire

Pimples Pandemic

sleep or no sleep

B.O

Her

string puppets...

diary of missing bf...

tonight, my heart speaks...

...affected...

Rahool-ed

2 years already?!

Summary

sense of déjà vu ...

Nico Robin sings

churns churns churns

The rest of the shootings are history...
Aims were pretty horrible today....

The beginning of the worst nightmare!
Our last battle it is...
So, raise our sword and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!
Best of the best-est luck Batch 17! =))