SeReNiTy~

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:18:00 +0000

someone made a remark to me yesterday night,
"being contented and being happy are both two different things..."

it kept me thinking for awhile...
not because what he said hits the jackpot
but what he said has some truth i should ponder upon...

well, he is definitely not the first person to comment about my relationship with jh...
infact, i would say i have been bombarded with quizzical expressions, indirect analytical questionaire and sometimes awkward statements previously....

ON why and how we are together...
it has been what 2years and counting???
but people do not know how to give me a break?

FINE we are two very different people. fulstop. period.

like i am tall for a girl, hes short for a guy
i am outgoing, he is homely
i am extrovert he is introvert
i am a very last minute person, he is punctual
i love clubbing, he loves aquariums
i listen to trance, he listens to reggae
i can talk to anyone, he rather listens one person
i love drinking alcohol. he hates alcohol

LIKE WHAT THE HELL???
we are definitely not the match made in heaven!

but what do others know about feelings?
i bet not many do...

and what i know about us is,
we love the beaches and the sea
we want to scuba dive
we want to go to hawaii and maldives
we love sweating out sipping tomyam
we love wrestling on the bed
we love sitting on each other's laptop and click on fb games i think no other freaking couples would do -_________-!
we cook and wash dishes together

and

we love each other's companion
after a tiring day after classes
during a standstill night with no great plans

how many people in this world has heard him LOL with actually can tickles your own bone?
i have and it was priceless.

everyday with him is like an adventure.
surprises is at every corner.
and they come when i least expect them.
these are moments money/effort cant buy...

so should i ask that someone back if he has felt happiness if he is not contented?
or if he never felt happy when hes only contended?

i do not understand how someone can draw a line between contentment and happiness...
anyone can explain that?

i do of course know the difference between happiness and sadness...

because i am sad when he is not around
and
because i will be sad if he dies earlier than me!

Only love <3
November 11th 4:39am

me & you

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:46:00 +0000

eventhough it was not more than 1minute before we said goodbye,
i am already missing you...

this is just another holiday for the both of us
back into the lives of when we were both still singles
doing stuff just like what we used to do alone

but these times, they are just not the same
because
it does not feel the same doing things when you are not around...

it is not as if we have never parted before
but, yes... i am already missing you...

it is because
every time you walk away,
you take along that flourish presence that fills my heart with joy and laughter
as if you have taken away a part of myself...
which is you...

every time you walk away
and i made my away opposite yours,
my heart goes all wrenching with aches
and tears starts stinging my eyes
i blink
and they make their way down trickling over my cheeks

for that
i know i truly love you...

we fight so much (claims you)
but i swear
i cherish every single moments being with you
be it laughters or angers
i do not care
because i know when you are not standing right in front of my eyes anymore
i will start searching for you...

the same person whom i fight with
the very same person i throw mean words upon
will immediately become the person i want to be next with!

the essence of life?
what say you?
which reflects the ultimate meaning of living
nothing touch our core better than feelings...
and only feelings can etch something we call as memories...

so my dear silly boy
i hope you do not take fights and arguments as a negative turns
for i can tell you those things are the ones that bind us even close together!

AND I MISS YOU! =(

Only love <3
Lingdear
9:16am
17th Oct 2009

music as time machine

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:53:00 +0000

tonight, i listened to songs that brought me down memory lane...
songs which are etched within me
being apart of my past

as the songs moves one by one down the playlist,
all i hear is the sound of the yesteryears...

it is as if you are transferred back to past
a music as powerful as time machine

as i snapped myself out of the transfixed state,
images of people who walk into and out of my life flips so fast into the darkness
back into the memory storage

alot of things change
if only we can stay stagnant and see from that perception,
then everyone will learn how to appreciate MOMENTS more than MEMORIES

they call it nostalgic
i agree =)
these are food for souls

Only love <3
susu
2:04am

Knock Me Down...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sun, 03 May 2009 19:57:00 +0000

Sometimes love comes around...
and it knocks you down...
Just get back up
When it knocks you down...

we have grown apart
for the longest time in my longest relationship...
we have been distant yet we are so near physically
(yes, it hurts but in a way that i never realized..
while it gnaws me subc0nciously..., i was actually fixing the wrong thing...)

a lesson i had to learn
through a painful way but nevertheless memorable and unforgettable
that feelings are everything in maintaining a great relationship..

we are different,
in so many ways yet so little ways
and when two very different individuals' paths come to a cross road
it is very perplexing how they decided, managed and traveled the same journey together
or how they entwined hands, walked that same parallel path and stayed next to each other no matter what happened
=)

this is when i learnt what love is...
a powerful word yet misused commonly
for love is not just doing everything together, thinking of each other, merely holding each other hands or making hot sizzling love...

but it involves that ultimate level of intimacy...
(no, i am NOT talking about bedtime activities)
also accepting each other differences in ways that no one can ever comprehend
and longing for each other in that implicit and unexpressed fashion

that when you look into each other's eyes
you see for yourself that love lies within the stare
and is written all over in the other person's eyes

when love is conveyed in an unspoken manner
you know that you have both reached that dream destination

today i had a wake up call
from the recession i have been drowning in

i am glad because now i know...
sometimes love comes around,
it knocked us down
as we fell in the pit of love
then we soared together back to the surface

but then it knocked me down again as time passes by
this time i went down alone
and i lost myself and him...

luckily,
i got back up,
as he held his hand to me and pulled me up
closer to him
i brushed my knees and bums
clasped my hand into his
and we continue walking

You wont see it coming when it happens
but when it happens you are gonna feel it,
let me tell you now
you see it when love knocks you down...

i truly love you baby
and i will never let you go...
thanks for taking my breathe away
and taking me through a roller coaster ride of my life!!!

with this, i dedicate this song to you and me!

With love <3
5:16am
Dr.SexyTan
(will edit some typos and grammars tommorow.. *yawns*)

life recession?

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Fri, 01 May 2009 08:39:00 +0000

I have been feeling emotionally disorientated lately
Not a good feeling, i must say...
It has been stalking me wherever i go
Even into my sleep sometimes..

Frankly, I do not know what i have become or,
what i have to expect and least expect in life
It cannot get anymore complicated
As i battle with my own thoughts
Only the unhappy thoughts triumphed

I feel distant again with everyone
including him
is this some kind of a life recession period?
that i get every now and then?

Probably i just need some time alone
maybe a personal space with just me and myself...

It is not easy
But I know he will make it easier for me
as he always does...

Only love <3

a Recap

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:50:00 +0000

my 7th semester ended quite fashionably...
*pose for the camera* PERIOD!

right! of course i wasn't referring to that kind of fashion.
a lot has happened. at least, in my scope of brain capacity.

Community medicine posting lasted for 2 months.
everyone knows it the bestest posting of the entire medicine course.
why? here are the reasons:

1. we just sat in the AC lecture hall freezing ourselves to ice cubes. also freezed our brains, the cells and the transmissions making all of us vulnerable to sleep.

2. classes timing switched place with eat.mousehunt.sleep.fishwrangle.shit.ghosttrapper.

3. we said goodbye to the white coat cum yellow coat. no odour, no sweat.

4. made a pac with myself to indulge in some beneficial activities like reading fictions and watch as many movies and series as my eye sight could handle.
but in the end, i only managed 2 seasons of Gossip Girl (anyone who hasn't watched, please do so because it is the sin of century if you haven't)
I became a fanatic of GG.

XOXO

Then, came the sessionals for surgery and com.med. YAY!
Allocated very few hours of studying because i was very much busy catching up in Mouse hunting, reading forums, harped on the cheapest SuperBries cheeses i could get my hand onto! *double YAY*

result of MH: i overtook JoonKeat! and im in the newest area with my newest trap!

result for com.med: 70%. not bad for my effort! =))

surgery is going to be a bit tough to predict. i leave it to the magical and tedious hands of VENA KARANTH!

28th of February, denotes the day of freedom for batch 17.
it is as though we were all released from the "kandang"
and we were running wild!

Alicia held a great birthday party in A Famosa.
was late to the party as usual.
beers, whiskies, vodkas and the birhtdaycake-i-dont-remember-how-it-tastes-like were the 'alas perut' for the day's dinner.

guess what? party ended by 2am. hrrmmm... a tad too early for the international standard of party.

where was i? right. i locked myself in a room only to wake up 1020am the next morning.
how? sashi knocked the door of the room i was sleeping in for the say.... 9183748626278287374653 times

first thought?
HOLYSHITOMFGCHIALATLONGPIAK! its 1020!!! bibit landed at 7am!

second thought?
how do i look? *peak into the mirror and FREAKED*
to my horror my hair was as if they were gel-ed up and standing in all directions!
exactly the picture kailash used to display in his blog once upon a time. this:

p/s: i think i puked on myself or my hair. but i don't remember shit about puking. *glad for that because puking sensation sucks*

third thought?
how now? T______T
i couldnt keep track on how many things that ran through my mind.
but i was freaking and inadvertently directing sashi for towels and alicia for something else.
sorry =(
i showered (mandi kerbau they call it) and sashi passed me a bed sheet to wipe myself dry. Ewwww~

called bibit and i broke down. i did it again. stupidity of drinking.

enghan was an angel and am very grateful that he entrusted me to his nissan super car when i was in that still-tipsy condition.

result: i flew to KLIA, at 200-220km/h.
3 things dominating my thoughts, awareness and visions throughout the fast track on the highway.

1. i am driving enghan's car. he will be murdered psychologically by his parents if anything happened to me and the car

2. i have disappointed bit by getting wasted and abandoned him in the airport for 4 frigging hours! (any human who can tolerate me is seriously superb. that's why i love him unconditionally. for he loves me that much as well.... sigh.... *smack own head triple times*)

-______-!!!

so, if anything happened to me and the car, he will murder me second time, if i was dead by the time he sees me. if not, he would murder me psychologically too.

3. i am halfway a doctor. The liability is too absurd for my death. i carry within me, knowledge and practice at the price of RM200k. so dad will murder me second time as well.

Reached the airport arrival hall in one piece, parked the car aside, rushed out, hugged bibit to bits... and pulled back after a few seconds as i was aware that i stinked. O.o

He wasn't angry, neither did he say a word about me abandoning him. Instead, he asked how was i feeling... I was fine physically, but i knew the guilt that has already haunt me and eaten me up. I knew how disappointed he was... I am sorry, and i know sorry isn't enough to make up for my mistake this time.

so there, the fashionable sulin, who arrives fashionably late at every functions. This time ends her royal affairs being so unprofessional and a disappointment.....
way to go~ *smacks own head the 4th time*

Only love <3
SxydeviL 12:17am

FUDGE OFF!

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 13:10:00 +0000

just who do you think you are? some big shot? some superstar?
fart tart! i don't care if you do not care anymore.

chillax la. acting like a kitten! *meow*

so you think i am gonna swallow your shit? and tolerate you attitude?
GIMME A BREAK and bugger off man!

in case you are reading this, i ain't gonna see u.
H-A-P-P-Y? sure you are!

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:52:00 +0000

a walk of lifetime with noone but you,
fingers entwined and souls engaged....,
forming a silhoutte of love...

Happy 21st Monthiversary...

Only love <3

If i were a boy...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:05:00 +0000

"....If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts..."

~Beyonce '08~

i swear i will be a better man...

i would listen to her...
i would purse my lips and shut my mouth!
i would put my ears before my tongue!
because i know how it hurts...
to blabber things without thinking,
at a girl (or anyone else in that matter)

i would learn to respect a girl
before i expect her to do so
i would be thoughtful in conversation
i would be tactful in debating with her
put reasons forward
instead of defending for the sake of winning
just because i have my testosterone to be blamed

if i were a boy
i would not be so obsessed with my own ego
nor would i thrash theirs
i would be a gentleman and treat them like another gentlewoman
i would not segregate
but treat them just like one of us

if i were a boy
i would not discriminate the black skins
and think so proudly of my own bleach white fairness
which can beat the splashes of a ghost shivery whitish aura
because she knows you are as black as a soot inside
neither would i boast about how i should have further my study in western countries instead of the land of Ghandi

if i were a boy,
i would not talk about how i am better then my girlfriends' boyfriend
on how i am bigger
on how i am taller
on how i am better in that sports
on how i am smarter
on how i am like a so-called all rounder
because youth wears off and so do brain neurons

the best comparison i have ever heard was : i dump my gf at home and she wont make a sound but you are so sticky

if i were a boy
i would not show off
nor boast about what i did for my other half
nor compete with other guy on being the best boyfriend material
nor tell ALL my friends what i did over the weekends (intentionally)
!PERIOD!
nor announce publicly to my friends how expensive my anniversary gifts were to my girlfriend
nor bringing up the same repetitive statements about my girlfriends reactions when she sees the diamond
nor share my sex stories on bed to my other guy friends
making it jokes of the year
neither would i ask silly questions that will 'fortunately' lead back on to conversations about me, myself and i
(beams! beams! beams! i hope the gigantic spotlight falls down on his head, crack his skull and he suffers from amnesia, forgetting he ever has a girlfriend and that he was ever a MAN and thinks he is a WOMAN now!!!)

also because i know my girlfriend is not an auction item for people to place bids upon
i would be very sneaky
and do what people least expect of me
i would surprise her and the rest of the girls
and let the verdict be enormously unexpected

if i were a boy
i would not talk about girls wearing push up bras
or injecting hormones
or doing implants
or their sagging boobs
or the wobbly big wide buffalo buttocks
the way they walk
the way they act
because i know everyone has different physique
and it is the heart that matters most
AND MORE SO IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND whom others can also degrade and spit comments on

(PUIK PUIK PUIK! think whether your frigging gf is Miss World's Standard first or not-la before talking bad about other girls!!!)
-disclaimer: face and looks discussion can be excusedla-

if i were a boy
i would not degrade girls
and think they are weaker then men
and feel like the most superior human in the whole universe
think that everyone else especially the girls and including my own man-kind are childish
that i'm the MOST matured of them all
then tell about how girls only like to whine, PMS, mood swing, and be materialistic

if i were a boy
i would never ever be a hypocrite
lansi! comment on people's attitude when my own attitude is just as shitty

if i were a boy....
i would be like my beloved him
or like that guy friend who stood by me through thick and thin (most of the time only ler actually)...
because they know how their girlfriend and girlfriends would feel...

and i can never be more proud for the both of you *SMILES*

"...But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts..."

and as a girl, I am very extremely seriously pissed!
pained, hurt, heartfelt, annoyed, angered

*sigh*

and said siva: if i were a boy, you'd be one pretty looking boy
and to esther if u are reading this... there you go, if i were a boy...

on a lighter note,
if i were a boy,
1. i would know how it feels like being on top of a girl (my reply to my own Supremo question one year ago on stage in front of my dearest MMMC dean)
2. i would get a girlfriend just like ME!

T________T

only love <3
Me, Myself and I

Labour

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:10:00 +0000

everytime i read people's blogs, i get inspired to blog...
however, everytime i start typing, nothing comes out...
lack of head-finger coordination, i suppose

life has been very uneventful. doubt its ever going to be the next few months. maybe never.

*sigh.....*

currently in Obstetrics & Gynecology posting...
2 weeks ago, i had to stay overnight in hospital for 2 nights to watch LABOUR/DELIVERY!
trust me, not a great sight... for a coughsexycough lady like me.

i see myself on that labour table in say 5years time, with my overgrown two chunky thighs spread wide enough for the entire world to peep into my waheena T___T

Probably screaming and howling silently in agony. Because nobody will ever bother to empathize. And of course being the lansi and showoffwy me, i don't think i want to groan cotinuosly around the clock for 12hours and be symphatized....

i FEEL for the mothers. i FEEL for mummy! eventhough i was brought out through C-sec ler.
Still?

i dream of having family of my own someday. i want to have kids.
but how to? when watching delivery is worse then watching the horrorest horror movie?

*GASP!*

Kentang-vire

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:24:00 +0000

a few months back, jiahong told me that he used to have an english name.
he used to go to a Sunday school in which he learnt about Jesus and Mosses.
it was given by the parents but was never used elsewhere except for the mini autographs book we all used to sign when we were in primary 6. *laughs*

My reaction:
obviously...
"HUH? so whats your english name? "

His reply:
errrrm.... dont wana tell. you are gonna laugh. promise you wont laugh

Me:
*angel's halo appeared*

Him:
Edward.but... but but i prefer Dominique. (MUST BE ending with -que and NOT -c)

Me:
*trying hard to hold my laughter* Dominic is Perry's name. plus it sounds like that pizza Edward sounds better. EdwardLim!

*burst out laughing hard enough to squeeze out some tears*

anyways, with the hype of Twilight in the cinema lately and that cool and super yeng-ness of Edward Cullen played by the not-so-good-looking-in-real-life R. Pattison.
I decided to reveal to whoever that reads my blog about his weird childhood.

Me:
good time to intro your name
ed-o-ward-o

Him:
[9:23:57 PM] Jia Hong says: but but baby bu shi vampire.. baby shi...... kentangvire

Me:
*zonked*

Only love <3
susu (21:55)

Pimples Pandemic

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 14:15:00 +0000

i have an obsession to press and burst ripened pimples.
seeing the tip of the pimples anywhere on anyone's face creates this unfathomable irk from the inside out of me.

so, my poor youngest bro became a victim of my obsession.
spent an hour clearing the pimples.
alot of tears and blood were shed... HAHAHA!!!

:: the blood and tissues wasted... ::

:: the result of his sister's obsession..::

Only love <3
Dr. Sexy Tan (2230)

sleep or no sleep

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:17:00 +0000

I had a dream...
as early as today morning...

For the past one week, i have had difficulty in sleeping... I find myself staying awake most of the night past 3am. It sucks because i get really floaty the next day.

So, same thing happened today morning. I was trying hard to sleep since 4am but ended up rolling and turning on the bed and pillow. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me.

"how dare you trick your master?!" implored i, *sweat*

It formed many images that my eyes managed to captured throughout my life and then projected back onto the back of my closed eyes when i was trying to get a friggin rest.

Instead of dozing off, i ended up smiling when sweet images reeled past... and of course a mixture of thousand and one emotions as myriad of images formed and evaporated...

*sigh...*

in short: in insomniac ok!

anyways, the purpose (there is always a purpose blogging since i am not a regular anymore)
after a certain level of hardship of attempts to fall asleep, i managed to swim to dreamland.

only for bi to visit me in the dream. HOOORAY!
but...
it wasn't a nice pleasant dream.
because he freaking left me for another girl!!!! Dumped me!

T___T sadnyerr.....

oh yes... i remember who is the girl. and the girl has boyfriend too. in which she left him as well.
i couldn't bring myself to get back at jiahong even by trying to play along with the girl's ex boyfriend. how sucky.

and then i woke up just in time to dream past the point where it explains that jiahong was being a bastard because of charm gone wrong!

so WTF! this is just dumb!

Only love <3
insomniac chicken 12.38pm

B.O

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:56:00 +0000

There is a reason when people call you a STINKY!
now, i think there are TWO reasons.
why?
Because, well...

ONE!
you stink literally! Now i ain't gonna be nice telling those who called you a stinko a MEANIE.

TWO!
you stink figuratively too! So WOW!
*drumsroll*
what a combo we have over here.

and yeah, if you are reading this, I AM PUTTING THIS UP FOR YOU TO DEVOUR~
so suck it up!

Only love <3

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 17:16:00 +0000

lying on my tummy (abdomen as we medical freaks call it), i can hear the seconds ticking by and the familiar mysterious throbbing thuds within my eardrum that used to annoy me alot when i was a kid trying to sleep...

yeah uhuh, it just reflects how bored i am...
Raya holiday sprinted away too fast. Baby had been here for a month and now he has left for Manipal once again.

*long sigh...*

it feels weird to blog nowadays. Probably, i have moved on, away from the blogging trend...
either im outdated, not bothered, has a new way of channeling anger aka boy friend, too busy OR too obsessed with facebook (just read an article about internet addiction in CLEO magazine, uhuh... that's me *points at self*) Even my youngest bro started blogging secretly and i found out his address by chance!

*evil laughter*

Monday is to be anticipated...
The terror of the year!

Terrorist:
MVK (a hideous professor who can be put side to side to a Chimera) is back from his long hideout. He is seen heaving a M16 and a huge bazooka with him while other armors are not recognizable.

Victim:
The white mices wearing a terror look with a splash of whitening effect on their faces carrying a holy "bibble", praying and reciting the paragraphs of the holy words in the highest hope to escape the torture and disaster!

*double long sigh....*

and i'm already missing him
*tripple long sigh...*

Only love <3

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 04:48:00 +0000

I came across a forwarded post on my facebook funwall...
thought this particular phrase carries alot of truth in it...

There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did and who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future...

Only love <3
Sues in blues...

Her

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:39:00 +0000

my heart sank...,

as a familiar voice broke the silence of my grogginess in the afternoon awaken...

however...,
upon seeing her, i felt elated for a few seconds...
she smiled and i reciprocated.

even though it was just a glance of her before she turned away doing her things, i managed to calculate a few things and registered them in my head.

she wears a very tired look. It is as if she is so beaten up with things in her life lately. Or maybe, its is merely a facade of someone with sleepless night after endless torrential arguments...

i miss her, sure i do. But things happen... I do not wish i could turn back the time because it would be futile. It was a blow when i knew i wasn't that person she can rely on anymore...
If it has to be this way, so be it. I can only pray the best for her...

and as we parted, i realize
she doesn't sound too familiar anymorel...

string puppets...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:06:00 +0000

Have you ever felt how does it feel like being a puppet?

or, worse still, when you finally come to a realization that you have been one for the longest time...
while not coming up front to tackle and find an answer to that dull continuous irk. that inability to set free and feels like you are under the control of another person will eventually and slowly eats up your conscience or feed on your soul...

String puppets were very famous. In fact Pinocchio was made based on the concept puppet. Only difference, he walks talks mocks rocks without those string and he has wooden limbs, nose, face, lil' john(LOL) and head with only a tuft of hair covered by his large red hat.

That was literally being a puppet.

But being a puppet on the inside is just horrible.
One loses sense of purpose, loses graceful strike of efficiency and sometimes even feels brainless or heartless.
It is as if one is merely on the stage of puppetry of their own life only to realize things could be done to undo the manipulative scene.

One of the famous writer once quote:
"There are many advantages in puppets. They never argue. They have no crude views about art. They have no private lives."

What about the Pupeeter? Good vs. Bad?
A good master is always bad. Nice master who isn't just a master but a thoughtful friend and hero who saves the day doesn't just end there.
Because sadly, someone who heaves the position of a MASTER has to fulfill the all the criterias.
Hence a master is also someone i shall define as a person is unable to resist of the devil's offer...

There is a story of a girl, a girl living as a puppet inside who once told me how it feels like being one. The emotional war she has to go through occasionally when there is an event to cater for. She worked her way to her master's heart. And she is a very important person. Or at least she was made to believe so. Her master constantly praised her and told her that she is just like his right arm.

So, days, weeks, months and years gone by and she still lived in a deception...
She is now some one who she wasn't. She thought she was contented but she wasn't...
She was bleeding inside. Aching to be someone, waiting for each sunrise to tell her who she is...

Eventually, she left the master. Without any signs of hatred, she sets off before the light of dawn crack the deep purple morning sky.
Looking forward to new hopes awaiting in the next valley she stumbles upon, bearing tears of triumph, she walks away from those she has been living with for almost one decade of her life...

Has she successfully severe the strings that were attached to her mind, heart and soul...?
Let us see whether i meet her again... so she can continue on where she has left...

"Sometimes life seems to pull us along on strings, tugging us this way and that. It can get confusing, leave you feeling out of control. Sometimes its a matter of becoming animated all on your own and yanking the strings down. And then sometimes it is about being made to do a little dance to amuse the children."

diary of missing bf...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 27 May 2008 03:55:00 +0000

my last post dated back to 24th of February '08
a long way back, when i was still living with my bf which i missed the most now, complaining how my life in India would finally come to an end AND enduring all the sleepless night arranging, packing, sealing and biting each others head off while packing. It's a normal thing. That is what couple do to pass time - FIGHT.

Then comes the nice part of making it up, saying sorry, doing the dovey lovey thingy which i should just save it for myself.

He then took an earlier flight home on the 29th of February.Gahh~ I mish every bits of gf-bf war and most importantly I mish HIM!

5 days later, I waved my final goodbye to the land of India. I remember taking Bubble out and was cruising along the Manipal roads one last time on the night before my flight... It was really sorrowful, yes at least to my soul. However, as the plane touches the Malaysian ground and the voice of captain was soothingly projected through the PA system of the plane welcoming me home, the feeling of elation followed short. Not because i would be seeing my grumpy ol' man daddy whom i quarreled on the phone the night in Bangalore airport but to the thought of a beginning of a new chapter of life.

I wasn't expecting to see bf in the airport. Because he previously told me he would not be in town till the end of week. To my utmost surprise and disbelief, he appeared out of nowhere from within the buzzing expectant crowds in the arrival hall. Handing me 3 beautifully bloomed big ass roses. *imaginary kiss kiss to imaginary bf* I actually didn't know how to react. One-because I was anticipating the continuation of verbal war with my dad
Two-i was too shallow with expression on how to face a surprise visit from bf in airport. *blush*

We had another pre-marital honeymoon session for one month. Of all the many crazy things we did, i will never forget how the both of us triggered his house alarm at the wee hour of morning.
>_______<
WHY? It is a story for next time.

It is time to say byebye~ *mariah carey new song sings in the background* Only 2months had passed since the day i saw him being transported down on the escalator that draw a margin of those who are going on planes and those whose job is to tear, wail, hug and slap that all-the-best mark at the back of the person leaving. No, i didn't cry of course. I am a strong woman ok! Actually I did, secretly with him after giving him our kiss that has to last for the next 5months. T_______T

Missing a person is bad enough. Missing everything you do with that person is the worst.
I have been compelled to blog and pour my heart out ever since i started class in Malacca. But only until today i managed to sit down and typed out my messy train of thoughts.
I kept myself busy or tried to be busy to distract me from drowning in the misery at least during the day. At night the situation just heartily got magnified 20x like my fellow friend new SLR camera. So clear it hits me so damn hard in my heart and shatter the protection glow i have been building all day long!!! Thfff~ Waterwork would start-stop-start-stop until my body water level reaches critical insufficient water storage level. Sigh.....

Anyways, it didn't work for the first week, and as second week arrived, i got the hang of it.

Seriously, i am so thankful that we have internet in this era. I CANNOT imagine life without this virtual communication touch. No webcam, no IM, no skype. I wouldn't wanna be writing a letter and then post it through the cooing dove service that fly across seas and against tornado then takes another eons of years to reach the other side of the world. Sumore la we are talking about reaching INDIA. Those people might just grabbed my letter and wipe their buttocks after a business in the loo. Who knows right? *shakes head*

So, we see each other. All the time. He even calls whenever, wherever and that really is super sweet OK! I know he wants to minimize the effect of long distance. And i know indirectly he is telling me he misses me all the time. I am silently glad... So glad my grins are so random sometime it carved my blank face when i think about him.

Recently. Very recent infact, say like the past few days, i have been missing him badly. So bad that created an imaginary JH. WTF~
Time is ticking so fucking slow! URGH! It has only been 2 months. I have 3 friggin months to pull myself through. OH-MY-GOD~~~~~~ How la... how la... I am deprived of a good relationship here! Do something al mighty GOD!

I am tired of blogging already. *yawns*
I need sleep. Zonked~

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:45:00 +0000

as i see him marched off, heading to his last battle, i just cant help feeling that agony arising from the bottom of my heart up...
and slowly, a miniature bag of tears were formed threatening to summon more of their own kinds...

i am as totally exhausted as he is. maybe a little lesser.
it wasn't a smooth 3 weeks for both of us.
i have been denying the truth that we are not going to be spending time like how we used to do so for the past 6 months...

loneliness... for a year, i am dreading
back to independence. everything isn't going to be the same anymore...
i am so used to wake him up when i can't find my bike key early in the morning
he wakes up every morning to kiss me goodbye no matter how sleepy headed he feels
coming back home from the tiring postings each day, he would joyfully awaits me with him standing on the doorway when he hears my scooter puffing a distance away
and i am going to miss the way he holds my hand warmly and hug me to sleep every night

i wished things were different. i wish...

i love you my dearest and i will miss you...

tonight, my heart speaks...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 15:53:00 +0000

I have known this for as long as i was no longer a loner that walks this planet earth...

But I have never felt it as much as i do today...

Because, my entire life evolve around my other half...
my schedule cannot be extended or altered much because i plan everything with him in it...

I am not complaining...
I just regret i do it only one way...

Tonight.., i cannot even think of anyone i can even ring up or invite to dine with me.
Just because i don't have such friends anymore
Just because i made him my only friend, my only soul mate
Just because longer am comfortable with anyone else
Just because i will be awkward with others
Just because everyone else has walked their path...
Just because there isn't such thing call a best/good friend
Just because experience hasn't brought me till today...
I am truly upset but i can only tear inside...

or maybe...
maybe just because i am reluctant to ask
Because i am too egoistic...

I no longer is capable of keeping up with the word "friendship"

i wish i was back home in malaysia...
i can call people close to my heart, if i still have them...
i dont know why but i somehow miss vjay...maybe he can relate to me?
sigh...

...affected...

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 16:38:00 +0000

I have been blog hopping ever since 2 days ago. When i blog hop, i think alot too. It just gets my brain juice flowing...
Somehow, i can relate myself to other people's life through their everyday stories and then figure out things i fail to fathom alone...
Also everytime i finish reading, i get inspiration to blog blog and BLOG!! But, (there is always a but in everything nowadays, right?) sigh... But, whenever i sign into blogspot and arrive at the dashboard, i click the post button routinely and HALT. I find myself staring at the blank screen and the cursor goes blink-blink-blink along with my eye lids. I do this 99 out of 100 times i try to blog!

GAWR.......

Let me see, what have been bothering me lately....

Anyone came across the devastating accident that occur in North South highway which took away lives of 3 innocent individuals...?
www.nst.com.my/Saturday/National/20080126080752/Article/index_html
One of them is a girl age 21 years old, a first year medical student from UNSW, Down Under who was happily traveling to KL to meet up with the love of her life... While looking forward for a wonderful summer vacation, her life has to be taken away from her just like that...
*double sigh...*
Coincidentally she is Wen Bin's best friend's girl... He went to her funeral... Pay his last respect and what else is left but memories...?
A few of my friends are somehow related to her in one way or the other as well. Khai Meng, Yu wei and Kok thong are friends with her.

Tell me how CAN i not relate to her? Tell me. I dont know her personally, but i feel her lost deeply. Call me emotional or WEIRD. -_____-

I went through her blog page... She sounds like just like one of us... Doing the routine thingy: ranting about class, assignments, lecturers and homesick. Ever so excited to go back to home land and taste all sorts of Malaysian food she had been deprived of. Counting the days to meet her boyfriend she has not met for ages.

I couldn't help but imagine if that happened on me...
There would be so many things left unsaid, undone, underachieved...
What will happen to my family, my lovely bear and my dearest friends...?
I guess life has to go on for them...but how?
*blank*
Anyways, Rest In Peace Nian Ning... =)

Rahool-ed

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 11:44:00 +0000

I got my menstrual today which explains my hormonal imbalance that resulted in my punctured mood the whole afternoon.

I am less pissed now. Bet its my room aroma. It calms me down. Yes it does!

My current display name on msn reads:
"let me be the first to declare dat I DISLIKE RAHUL sampah tong despite the fact dat the whole world adores him!"

To hell with those who are willing to lick his shoes clean. I don't care.
Because to me, he looks like a gorilla. Yeap, that creature with two huge nostrils!!
He probably thinks he's extremely good looking.
*barf*
I don't deny the fact that he is very good in teaching. I personally had praised him. I enjoy-ED his class. I us-ED to like him (NOT ADORE).
But i never once think he is good looking. Maybe he is charming. M...a...y...b...e....

However today, his charm barely impressed and interest me, for the curse of P.E.R.I.O.D (pun intended) in every women that arrives each month with or without warning sign holds a greater role in carving that smile in a woman.

His words were a bunch of jargons.
His demonstrations weren't in any corner of my field of sight as they were obstructed by a pair of flexed knee!
I lost him halfway through.
Imaginations were the only guidance.

He appeared more and more like a gorilla as the seconds' arm of my clock tick-tocked. Started from distortion of his two wide canal in between his two gradually shrunken cheeks. Layers and layers of frowns creases across his forehead. Two flappy ears enlarged even more. Lastly, I swear i saw coarse hairs growing out of his flesh...

I found a picture of moi boy imitating a RAHUL. oops, i mean GORILLA.

:: i caught him red-jacketed before he embarked the swan boat ::

:: swan, sunset, lake and the both of us... (18/01/2008) ::

2 years already?!

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:56:00 +0000

"Welcome back owner! It has been eons of seconds..."

it is pretty late...
ever since Karkala posting ended, I stopped living healthy (eat and sleep wise)
tonight is another one of those late nights...

as i was flipping through albums searching for an appropriate Malay song i can sing in Lagenda (an event huge enough to come up next to Utsav) , anywayz i stubbled upon a video...

A video that stores endless memories...
A video that is capable to make my tears come rolling
A video only 4 minutes, but enough to transport me back to those moments.
A moment long lost in the labyrinth of new events...

My chest used to swell tight with hope and dream to sing!
Sing other than in the bathroom cubicle. Stand on a bright spot-lit stage. Soar along with cheers and shouts from the audience. But it never came until...
Until one summer in 2005...

I never perform a song before in my entire life be it birthday functions or wedding dinner. Neither have i took part in any singing competitions. But i knew that deep within me, the vocal system was earnest to let loose, to let the whole world know what my vocal cord can achieve.
Yet i do not know what makes me gave my name to sing in such a huge event compared to my standard. I am even amaze now with my confidence then.

Now, comes the part which inflict the emotions in me tonight...
Along with a positive changes within me, the video is also embedded with my first ever love that finally withered, my first ever friendship with a Chinese that bitterly fades off... (yeah yeah, i was an anene, i used to be swarmed by Indians, i talk, i act like them. It was a great time... well, thats another story of one of my glorious years. BTW I AM NOT RACIST DEI! )

The tension tug war of the rope snapped. It gave in to the tautness of two opposite views upon our life, decisions and principles. I guess it was nobody's wish. I still sit back sometimes and reflect upon our friendship. How it used to be, how many silly lil fights we got into, how we crawled outta a war field, how one night at Mc D can set to rays of new beginning (i cant help it but be proud to have such story that can be told to my children next time, cheesy yet real). And how for others, an abrupt turn took place again leading us into adventure that brings our distance further away...

However, we are both settled, happy and probably near contended with how our lives had brought us through the thick mist of uncertainty. I just hope that one day we can sit under a durian tree and shoot dramatic speeches at each other again, then laugh our bare gums off into the horizon. Hehe, I still love you...
Plus she always tell me that she never believe in eternity goodbyes.

"Love is blind"
Oh yeah, I am referring to the girlfriend and boyfriend love. Not the family, friends, pets, gadgets, food kinda love!
Now that I am standing within the radius of love-dovey boundaries, do i still look at the phrase the same way as i used to 2 years back?
I guess not. For i believe strongly and CAN SHOUT CONFIDENTALLY that there is someone meant for us! If he hasn't arrived, WAIT! FUCKING WAIT till he comes and blind you with his shining armor! Be it his armor is used to hide his fugly appearance or to protect him from his pussy-fying attitude. JUST WAIT!

OMIGOSH! It does happen. You don't just love someone without the first impression especially look. Then slowly, attitude, similarities, interests and desires will set in to burn the flickering fire of love ALIVE. And lets be truthful, u cant be so blind to accept someone outta your league ok!? So love ain't blind. WTF WTF WTF!

However much i detested people telling me that the right man will find you when the right time comes, I used to NOT bother about the assurance everyone seems to have with my love life and my prince charming when it is MY love life and prince charming to start with. And i alwayz alwayz alwayz put a deaf ear to the Ya-da ya-da ya-da.
Apparently and miraculously, they are right afterall. Thhfff~

So i would like to thank this particular someone who allowed me to think out of the box achieving another milestone in life. Let's call him ermm... Mushie? He ended the curse that held me from the noun, verb and proverb of relationship. It was short but nevertheless sweet. That is to fall in love and go dating while holding hands.
Nah, i'm not talking about jimmy bear. =P (Bibit dun be jealous k? Ling still sayang u~~~)

In a nutshell, tonight's entry is utterly and purely random. Good night.

Dr. Sexy Tan
(3am)

Summary

noreply@blogger.com (sXydeViL) — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 06:22:00 +0000

and so, i am finally back in Malaysia after being retained in Ghandhi land for the whole year.
At the first glimpse of my parents, realization hits me like a thunderstruck that they have actually aged so much. In just a year. The creases and lines on their face are more spreading looking more pronounced. sigh....

and so, i have recovered from the stomach infections which made me felt like i was struck with combo of gastritis+pregnancy(nausea la. wtf)+diarrhea+rectal prolapse for a week. Missed an alcohol drinking session.

and so, i made it through 2nd year. I can proudly say i am a 2/5 doctor now. Dr.sexy tan! Barely scraped through (i think) but proud that i am a playful medical student. Proud that i dont study my arse completely off like the majority.

and so, i met Ariel after 2 years of saying goodbye... That bratz!!! It was a real shocker when he turned up in the yum char session. Gosh i was exhilarated. *screams high pitch* Went out for our usual get together session just da 3 of us : porky, fishy and cowie. Man, it felt so darn good.

and so, i was apart from baby bear for almost a week already... Miss him sooo much.
*snuzzles virtually*